If I chose to only look at my stats, the past 12 weeks could easily seem like a failure. After all, of six major goals, I only reached two of them. Not a good percentage, and yet, in my mind, this challenge was an unequivocal success, if, for no other reason then that I finished. As with any journey, there were rough spots. This one started out that way. Half way through my first BFL challenge, I was struggling to realize my capacity for change. Now I know the sky’s the limit.



I began afraid, afraid of letting myself down, of letting others down and of failing, yet again. I was afraid I wasn’t doing enough, or perhaps that I was doing too much. I was afraid of bulking up, afraid of not losing enough, afraid of tripping, stumbling and never getting up again. I did stumble. I tripped, I fell in the mud I even slogged through it a time or two, but I never stopped. Because somehow, somewhere along the way I realized that the only way to lose the battle was to quit. I also learned that sometimes you step into quicksand, and you fight and you battle, and you just make things worse. Then you have to relax for a little while, float up to the surface, take stock of the situation and then move on. There’s a time for pushing and there is a time for resting.



Now the challenge is over and I’ve taken a step back to look over my results, and I truly am amazed. I look at the progress I’ve made and I think, “Is that really me? Did I really do that?� There is a part of me that is proud, and yet another that is humbled because I didn’t do it alone. Without the love and support of my friends and family, both online and at home, I wouldn’t have made it. It’s because of you all that I’m finally starting to see the woman I’m going to be. And, I’m not afraid anymore.

I really struggled with what my goals were going to be for the next four weeks. Having just came off 18 weeks I thought that perhaps I would coast these 4 weeks and set the stage for a January Challenge. then I realized that the prospect of not losing for 4 weeks (on purpose) was just TOO disheartening, so........ I am going to KICK BUTT for four weeks and set my most lofty goals yet... My birthday present to myself is to the lowest weight of my adult life. Less then 175 for my 35th!



Of course nature had to throw a wrench into the deal...I had my day all planned, food ready to go I was all psyced for a GREAT workout tonight, and what do I do? I started feeling ill 1/2 way through the day. Went home sick and I've been in bed ever since! Funny thing is, it hasn't depressed me as much as I would have thought (though it's made it hard to think and to write a decent essay to end the blast).



Watch out! I've got a goal, people, and I'm not going to let ANYTHING get in my way! :) I'm SO excited. Today's pictures really helped and I'm really excited about seeing what's to come. I really truely feel as though I CAN do this!

Stats



Weight -----------------194 -> 183 Loss 11

Body Fat---------------43.7 -> 36.41 Loss 7.6%

Fat -----------------------84.8 -> 66.1 Loss 18.7

Lean Mass-------------109.2-> 116.9 Gain 7.7



Chest (under arms)-- 38.75 -> 37.5 Loss 1.25

Bust-----------------------44.5 -> 42 Loss 2.5

Ribs (Under Braline)--36 -> 35 Loss 1

Waist--------------------36 -> 34 Loss 2

Hips-----------------------46.5 -> 44 Loss 2.5

Butt ------------------------44 -> 42.5 Loss 2.5

Thighs ---------------------25.5 -> 24.75 Loss .75

Calves---------------------15 -> 14.75 Loss .25

Upper Arm----------------14.5 -> 13.75 Loss .75



Total Inches - 14

I've been struggling with focus of late. The colors on my calander make that obvious :) I think I figured out part of my problem. I've been setting goals, thinking ahead, looking forward and toward the days to come and actually starting to BELIEVE I can reach those goals. All good things, but I've been forgetting to also live in the moment. To wake up and each and every day choose to loose THAT day. I need to create a sign to put up, somewhere in my house that reads "today I choose to lose". Because THAT's the choice that I need to make each time I faced with a decision. Do I have those cookies - or do I choose to lose? Do I skip my workout - or do I choose to lose? Although my ultimate goals are a long way off, it's the choices I make DAILY that are going to make those goals happen. If I don't choose to focus on what I can do today, 2004 is going to end up like every other year... October, November, December will roll around and I'll still be fighting the same 50 lbs! To tell you the truth I'm SO looking forward to the days when I can be fighting those last subborn 5 lbs!



I'm starting to worry that at 2200 calories I'm hitting my metobolic limit, though I realize that after the week I had last week I need to give my body some time to settle. My problem is I don't know myself well enough I feel as if I can rightly judge what's happening. It may be my imagination but I feel as if I'm filling my clothes out a little more, and I DON'T like that. I'm giving it some time (no knee jerk reations here). Going to give my body the chance to burn off the turkey fest! It's also TOM so THAT could be adding to these feelings.



I know I haven't been very positive or uplifting of late (or at least I don't feel that way) but I have to be honest both with you and myself. I need to get to the bottom of what's going on here so I can move on and move up (down?). Even if I could manage to lose 2 lbs a week (something that's not happened yet) starting today, it would be the end of May before I would hit my goal of 130. That's a lot of months of making choices and staying on track. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW this can happen and I know I'm capable of doing it, but it's going to take more work then I'm used to doing, and it's going to mean making sacrifices now and then. It's going to mean learning a lot about myself... maybe even things I don't like all that much. But I find out exactly what I'm made of!



While we're finishing the Body Blog Blast I feel that sense of accomplishment and yet that urgency that there is so much more to do. It's like preparing for a long journey. You pack, you plan you pile everything into the car and yet set off. Yes you ARE on your way and that's a good thing, but there is a lot of road ahead of you. That's the way I feel, I've packed the car, I'm on the road. Now I have to deside if I'm going to drive as fast as I can toward my destination, go through the night and perhaps arrive exhausted. Or, I could take the scenic route, see the sights explore side streets.... Then there's the danger of getting hopelessly lost and never arriving! Lately I've been on one of those side streets....

I'm plowing through this holiday season. Weight is still comming down from the "holiday splurge" and I'm back to 181! YAY (was 185 day after Thanksgiving) Still eating a TON of clean food. Nigel and I are BOTH ready to hit the excercise HARD it's going to be a fun 4 weeks until the new year!



I brought the chocolate covered cherries into work and am letting the folks here finish them off. That was an easy one as I don't like cherries but it's nice to get it out of my house. Pantry is getting low though, and I definatly need to restock on the basics. With both of us (and sometimes three of us) eating 'clean' I'm finding we go through food like MAD! I've set a few goals for the next four weeks, and am thinking of more. I found an old journal from Jan 2002 and on the 3rd I was 181. Jan 3rd 2003 185! My goal is to make progress THIS year and come in somewhere in the 170's this January. (Even 179 will be good as I'm adding and NOT cutting calories the next few weeks)



Mentally I'm feeling strong ready to hit it. My confidence is sky high... I KNOW I can do this and that's almost a forigne concept for me. This is going to MY year!

I'm back at it, back on track and planning to kick some butt this week. Calories are up another 200 to 2200. My weight is getting back down to pre-thanksgiving/PMS levels! Yay!



Next week I'll start a 4 week sprint to the new year! 2004 is the last year "loosing wieght" is going to be on my new years resolution list.



I learned a lot this weekend. I learned that I have a lot of demons still hanging out there waiting to lead me astray. Unlike Marie I did not find the will to eat "a little of this or that" and leave it at that. And unfortunatly instead of Thanksgiving being a free day to enjoy good food and good company. I ate so much I was ILL! BAD! AQnd then it spilled over into OTHER days...I also let my old habit of putting others first come into play and instead of taking the time out to do what I needed and excercise, I sat around and had another handfull of 'cheesy poofs'! A sure way to make my thighs continue to LOOK like cheesy poofs! BUT, I'm not dwelling on what whouldda couldda shouldda been! Instead I'll take the opportunity to LEARN and figure out a plan to get through the rest of the holidays! I need to keep the 'sugar hangover' feeling fresh in my mind and as Brock once said, "play the tape through', get past the instent gratification that comes from a piece of pumpkin pie and think instead of my long term plans and goals. (Actually it wasn't the one piece of pie that did me in, but the second and third!) I think I'm going to have to forgo my 'normal' holiday tradition and STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN! For some reason I have a real problem resiting my own cooking! Either that or I'll have to make sure I only bake things that I don't like! lol! (the chocolate covered brandied cherries haven't phased me once! ) I already took the step of getting this weekend's 'baked goods' out of the house (sent all the sugar cookies and leftover cranberry bread home with the kids) Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to have that stuff around the house and not have the constent urge to put it in my mouth, but it's not happening today! The good news is - we don't do a big dinner for Christmas, so I don't have THAT to live through. Just three company Christmas parties. I've already ordered chicken for dinner at one of them and I'll leave the room when they serve desert! lol. One of the others is a 'pot luck' so I'll bring food I can eat... the other maybe I can skip it! lol



I'm still asking Santa for a treadmill for Christmas and hoping he'll bring it early so I can start getting my 'regular' cardio in. The weights are ready to go... I'm going to start thinking of my goals for the next 4 weeks, probably more strength goals than anything as I'll not start cutting until the after the first of the year.

The holiday week picked me up, shook me, threw me down and then stomped on me! Then TOM came along and did the same leaving me red and yellow! ick! But I've one more week to go on this challenge and it's going to be a GREEN one! There will be NO looking back. What matters is what happens THIS week!