Well I've done it!

After much research and soul searching, I've hired a weight loss coach!  And what a coach she is!

I had a few requirements

1) Someone who had been overweight and REALLY understood the struggle.

     Check!  She's lost 130 to 140 lbs and knows what it's like to battle against your own body and mind to try and drop the weight.

2) Someone who wasn't going to try to feed me a low fat diet.

     Check!  She's actually a voice in a Primal/Paleo community and is a firm believer in the quality of food being as important as the quantity.

3)  Someone who was willing to be a source of accountability (and had a method in place to do this)

    Check!  I had tried 'passive' coaching in the past and it just didn't work for me.  When the going gets tough I stop checking in.  My new coach has a system that requires my feedback (and hers) every day!!

So who is this person paragon of virtue who's going to support, encourage and kick my butt?

It's Elizabeth Benton over at Primal Potential - and I couldn't be more excited!  We started working together on Tuesday and I've already been blown away by what I'm learning about myself.  I feel strong, I feel motivated and I feel ready to finally DO THIS!

One thing that's already come bubbling up for me is how much my new job has been effecting my mood (and my mood effects my eating).  I've been borderline depressed for months now -- and from experience this is caused by feeling trapped.  And boy do I feel trapped by my new job!

Just a few months ago (in April)  The job I really liked, enjoyed filled with people I enjoyed working with, fell apart.  First my boss (who I loved) quit and a few weeks later the company closed it's doors. "Luckily" another VERY LARGE company swooped in and picked up all the people who had worked for my small, dynamic and fun company; then swallowed them whole.  They paid us all a lot of money for the privileged of hiring us and it seemed like a silver lining to the dark cloud that had just dumped on us.

My job since then has been mind numbing, boring, sometimes frustrating and unfulfilling.  I lost that sense of contributing that makes coming into work 'worth it'.  It's gotten harder and harder to get out of bed and face the day.  And I feel trapped because of the the 'golden handcuffs' of great pay and even better benefits.  But... thanks to my coach I've been more aware of this.  When I started documenting my mood for the day it because crystal clear to me that this feeling of being trapped was overwhelming me and tainting a great deal of my life.

Then this morning, when I pulled into the parking lot and faced the building once again I started thinking.  I'm feeling depressed because I feel trapped, but, am I really?  I mean really really?  No, I'm not.  I could not show up to work today if I wanted to.  I could look for another job.  I could confront my boss and tell him, listen here!...

Suddenly my whole attitude changed.  I was here because I chose to be.  No one was making me do this and I either needed to accept that I was here by choice, or leave.  And weirdly enough, removing that sense of resentment made me speak up in a meeting today which got my bosses attention.  He called me into a meeting. I was able to confidently tell him about the things I saw that were going wrong and how I would fix them.  I talked, he listened and APPROVED and asked me to document the changes so we could implement them. So, now, not only do I have a job that will support me now and in the future, but one that fulfills my other needs as well.

But.. I still have that amazing sense that I'm here because I CHOOSE to be!

There's a part of me that wonders if this was just a lesson that God wanted me to learn.  That I am in control of my life and when I realize that.  Good things happen.

I'm looking into another weight loss coach. It's what helped me in the past. I'm interviewing one on Tuesday and I'm really excited by the possibilities. Finger's crossed that all goes well. 

The going has been rough for me this week.  It's brought to light for me just how much of a food addict I've become.  It's reinforced for me how much I rely on food for the 'pleasure' in my life.  I'm sad right now because I can't have a cupcake, and even more sad that I think I need a cupcake to be happy...  There's nothing wrong with my life!  I have an amazing husband, live in a good house, have great friends - so why does the removal of a few kinds of food leave me feeling bleak and unfulfilled?

Well the easy answer is that I feel bleak and unfulfilled and try to stuff the square peg of food into that round hole of... whatever this emotion is... I guess I'll call it the blahs...or no... inertia.. or  I don't know 'the feeling that has no name'

Another issue I have is spiraling.  I feel bad, realize that I feel bad, start wondering "What is wrong with me? why do I feel bad - I shouldn't feel bad!" and it just makes it worse.

Actually, as I type this, acknowledging my feelings has made things a bit better.  Writing them down and thinking them through, even when not 100% figuring them all out, has helped.  A friend, who struggles with an alcohol addiction, has suggested I see a therapist.  He's probably right.  I may have to consider it.

Until then, here some other things I've learned... stuffing this restlessness - getting almost 100% of the pleasure in my life from food has had a huge impact.  Since I moved to (where I live now) at the end of 2009 (I think that's when I moved)  I have gained..... 80 lbs!!!!

That's just insane to me!  

And to think... if I can figure out this 'simple' thing.  Why do I feel restless and unfullfilled... and stop trying to find all my pleasure in food...I could finally be done with this weight loss thing and have a healthy fit body (not to mention sexy!)

 

I have good news!  That burst of motivation I got earlier this week... It stuck!

I've lost 5.3 pounds this week and that's not all. I've kept to my food plan including a free day where I ate whatever I wanted (which surprisingly wasn't much) then today I got right back on track without a single twinge of the feast beast. 

I also did three running workouts - the first three days of my couch to 10k program AND I did a (short) bike ride today. It felt so good to be pleasantly physically tired today!  What was funny is that I feel like one lost 10 pounds today. Maybe not physically but certainly mentally. That voice that's been telling me 'you can't do this' is quite and I feel fast, strong and able to do anything in this moment. 

And these berries I'm eating for dessert are yummy!! And feel fantastic in my body!

Something clicked yesterday and I got a little excited. 

It started with a post by Tim Ferris about people losing 100+ pounds on his 'slow carb' protocol. It was an inspiring read so I went back to my '4 hour body' book and reread the slow carb chapter. 

The plan just has a few simple most of which didn't phase me. A few though brought up some interesting thoughts:

Rule one: don't eat anything white... This isn't really a surprise rule for me. Low carb and paleo both also have this rule. No wheat, rice, sugar, potatoes etc. and though I've tried - cause I know this is how I best lose weight. I've had real issue with compliance.  As soon as I think about giving something up 100% my wild child and feast beast start making all kinds of noise!

but...there is rule 5: take one day off and go nuts!  Asy feast beast starts to go through the list of 'forbidden foods' that we 'can't live without'. I fall back of the free day. "we can have those things on Saturday" I tell it. And it starts to calm down. Like magic!

Of corse then my dictator starts to snap it's whip and get noisy. "Free days wiill slow your progress". She yells. "You have to be more strict!"  

But then a thought comes to me and I remind her that with no free days I've haven't been compliant at all, and that has got me losing 0 pounds. In fact I've even been GAINING weight.  So how could a free day be any worse then that!  

The dictator seems to have accepted that and that has me excited and feeling hopeful. 

On the exercise front. I didn't get to the gym yesterday morning, but I did finally go for a run. I found a training plan for couch to 10k that I really like and I started last night. The run was 1 minute run/2 minute walk repeated 8 times. I managed to run/walk almost 2 miles in less then 35 minutes. That's pretty good for a 270 lb woman if you ask me. I also tried the "7 minutes in hell" workout from the carrot iPhone ap (I'll have to talk about that more later) and it was fun and quite the workout. Pointed out how out of shape (and heavy) I am. Body weight exercises were tougher then any weight training I've done recently. 

So I woke up this morning with a plan and feeling positive. That hasn't happened in a long long time. 

I've been trying to tracky cravings a little closer of late. Trying to figure out when I'm at my weakest. When (and why) I binge. Although I don't have all the answers yet I have found that getting in my car to drive somewhere (anywhere) makes me think about food. Maybe it's just habit - but I really need to figure this out. Considering I spend a LOT of hours in my car -alone- it could have a lot to do with my weight gain over the past few years. I minute I get in my car and turn it on my Brian starts thinking about where on the way I can stop and get food. It doesn't matter if I just ate something either. Then when I do stop I tend to get into that 'Last Supper' mentality. I stopped this time, but I'm never doing this again so I better eat EVERYTHING I can get my hands on. Im guessing you can see why this would be a problem. 

I think if I can figure this out and break this one habit it'll go a long way to helping me win the food battle. And I'll finally be on my way to losing some weight. 

So, yeah...

Where am I?

Still at the heaviest of my life... new 'heaviest' was this Monday - almost 270.

The longest I seem to be able to stay on a diet plan is three days, but honestly just sticking 24 hours is a struggle.

None of the diets, or non-diets I've tried/am trying seem to be 'the one'.  I have to believe that there is 'one' out there that will work.  There has to be!

This week I'm not really working inside any rules per se, but thinking a lot.  Or maybe even just thinking about thinking about it - but that's a step.

I gave myself a goal to blog more. Maybe this will help me work through this slump.  Blogging + momentum seem to have gone hand in hand in the past, though I suspect it's more about 'blogging when I'm on a roll' then 'blogging is causing me to be on a roll'.  But hey, I'm willing to give anything a shot at this point.