Experiments 1, 2, and 3

 Can I lose 2 lbs this week? Can I do it without planning/counting calories/counting macros/just listening to my hunger signals?

Weigh in this AM was on the high end of 270 (279.8) so this weeks experiment is to see if I can lose 2 lbs this week.

They say 'lose it how you want to live it' and I would rather live it without a plan for the day.  This is an experiment to see if that is possible.

However - want to pay CLOSE attention to my hunger signals - I believe THAT is the real 'magic'.  It means I need to be a lot more in tune with myself.  Soooooo I'm going to log some details about my meals each day so I can refer back.

I'm also going to run a few other experiments

Experiment 2

Can I workout (30 minutes -even if it just a walk) every day through the end of May - how does that feel? (already did some weights this AM)

Experiment 3

If I have no alcohol after 7PM (three hours before bedtime) will it improve my sleep?

Meal 1:

eggs and sausage cooked in butter -- breakfast goto

1oz sausage

1 egg

1Tbs butter

Ate around 10:55 and was 'very hungry'

ate at a 'moderate pace' - cleaned the bowl

Went from 'very hungry' to 'I could eat more'

one hour check in at 12:00 

My very own hunger scale

Starving!

Very Hungry

I could Eat

Not hungry/Not Not Hungry

I've got some fuel

I'm Full

I'm Stuffed!

 Hello Blogger land..

Decided to make a post today... It's more of a.. I need a place to write something down... type some free form thoughts than actually ... blogging, but, whatever....

I mean, between facebook, youtube, twitter, instagram and whatever... does anyone even blog anymore?  There is a big part of me that misses the community that used to live in and around blogging... I don't know if it stopped or I did and lost contact.  :D Guess I could find out...

Anyway... the real reason I'm here... weight loss

I think I said before I joined the PNP tribe (now No BS Women) back in April 2019.  I lost some physical weight (about 65 lbs) and a LOT of mental Bullshit.  I stopped hating myself, stopped believing I had to be fit to be worthy, or beautiful or sexy....

With covid changing life as we knew it, and me struggling with my why.. I gained back some physical weight.  BUT I never stopped working on me. 

I've learned some things.  

When I see pictures or think about the times when I've lost a great deal of weight.  Thought one is.. damn I looked/felt good then! I wish I could get that back. Thought two is always.... ALWAYS -- that's going to take a lot of work... remember you did....((whatever program I was on at the time)).  And when I 'go there' it brings up feelings of deprivation, white knuckling ... etc.  Not very motivating! I've discovered that I have a belief that weight loss is hard... I want to fix that.  I've found that much of baggage that comes from weight loss (dieting) is because I've always approached it as project.  A set of tasks with delivery dates on a set timeline.  One that I want to complete as efficiently as possible.  But I've proven that doesn't work...

I've also figure out, I don't have a strong why.   Before, when I would berate or demean myself to get myself to comply with a program -- I could drum up some short term 'motivation'.  I mean, I could tell myself when I lost some weight... I could stop hating myself.  Well - that method got me nowhere.  So how do I do weight loss without disgust as my touchstone?  How to I say no to a delicious piece of cake when my counter to that isn't -- I'm not having cake because I hate my thighs.  ('because I love myself' hasn't yet motivated me to say no)

These things have been the focus of my past year or so of work it's lead me to the decision that I want to approach weight loss with a spirit of fun and curiosity and to do that I need to see it as an experiment rather than a project.  What's the difference? Well, there is no failing an experiment - Because an experiment is by definition "a scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis or demonstrate a known fact".  There is no failure...  you just discover something, learn something or demonstrate something.... it may not be what you were expecting to discover, learn or demonstrate... but it is NOT a failure.

I also needed to take on my why... and why I'm writing this blog post, because I needed to capture this in a place where I could refer to it later. 

After all - what's the point of doing an experiment in weight loss if there isn't a gain somewhere in the end.  simple curiosity isn't enough for me - at the moment.  Why go on this journey in the first place? If the lower number on the scale isn't the key to happiness or self-worth or self-love... what's the point?  especially if there's the underlying belief that weight loss isn't easy.  Why do the hard thing and leave food behind, sit with feelings instead of eating them or any of those things if there isn't a good gold reason to do so....

How do I make weight loss easy? well there are actions I can do to make weight loss easy... and making those actions easy is by making the outcome more valuable than the short term...

And so I'm back to.. what is my why or why?  or, as I think I'm going to try calling them - my expected outcomes.

• diminish the belly - and this is not about the hate it's about the bulk
• My belly is bulky and uncomfortable its heavy and the weight hurts my back
• My belly inhibits my flexibility - something I value 
• My belly keeps me from sleeping comfortably on my stomach - what used to be my preferred position
• My belly gets in the way while working out... it makes deadlift, squat and biking harder than it has to be
• stop the shoulder (and other) pain...
• I'm pretty sure that weight gain has probably been at least part of the issues I've been having with my shoulder and arm pain as well as finger numbness
• The recent hip pain and escalated back pain could also be due to excessive weight
• Normalize Blood Pressure
• This is something I KNOW I fixed with diet and exercise before I don't know that it's back to being a problem, but I suspect it is (and hence why I haven't checked) 
• Walk - go up stairs - do normal things without becoming winded
• Yes, there is a portion of this that is fitness - but there is also the fact that carrying 270 lbs up a staircase is harder than carrying 170 lbs
• Run Faster
• I know, I know... training fitness blah blah blah, but, I've proven that just by lowering my weight I can get faster, training longer and train faster
• Wear all the boots!
• I love boots - I want to go back to being able to wear most boots - this means smaller calves and smaller calves come with weight loss
• Enjoy Food
• This is really the basis of my experiment... I want to prove that I can lose weight... get all those benefits and more while still eating food I love... while still being carefree, fun, spontaneous, adventurous
• For years I've lived with the belief that in order to lose weight I had to be a food snob (clean eating... how can you eat something so unhealthy!? etc etc).  I don't want to be a food snob.  I want to continue to eat like a toddler and reduce the pull of gravity on my body... 

there are also things I don't want

• I don't want to feel bloated, sluggish and overfull
• There is a feeling I can only describe as 'toxic' that I get when I overeat... I want to avoid that feeling.  
• This is a DIRECT... Measurable...IMMEDIATE thing I can track
• 
  

 It fits it fits!! I bought this dress in June thinking that if I hit my July 4h goal it would fit...I hit my goal...it still didn’t fit. I’ve been checking my my progress monthly since then and today, it finally zipped up!! YES!

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614Kim Siberski, Angela Moore and 612 others

I wanted to share my 'self care' experience from this morning.... ((copied from my share with my accountability group))

My breakfast this morning was scrambled eggs with cheese... It's a meal I love and that feels fantastic in my body. I eat it nearly every morning... seeing this as a gift to myself was an amazing shift for me.

It was like --- here nose.. I'm giving your this plate that smells good! Here tongue - I'm giving you a flavor that is pleasurable. Here tummy, I'm giving you something that makes you feel satisfied and digests easily. Here muscles, I'm giving you protein to grow...Here brain, I'm giving you fat to think... And when I thought about ALL of that... my simple meal became an event! It released ALL the endorphins ... But, in a different way than a piece of cake would have.

It led to a satisfaction that had staying power... Impulsive eating NEVER feels like this. I might get a 'hit' - a moment of satisfaction, but all it leaves is sense of wanting more (cause I was eating food to solve a problem it couldn't solve) Whereas viewing my morning meal as a loving PLANNED gift to myself seemed to fill up spaces I didn't know were empty.

In work related training today and the trainer said this.. and I just LOVED it.

If failure is not an option, than improvement is not an option.

 Hi! *waves* it's me... I'm here, I'm alive. I'm showing up for myself... Still trying to work out how to be my best self with these new circumstances surrounding us...

Had a new 'ah-ha' and I thought I would share with the class. The past few months have not been kind to my goals... I've allowed myself to overeat and over drink and overspend...

HOWEVER! what's different about this time is I've never stopped asking myself 'why'. I had figured out a lot my off plan/over (eating/drinking/spending) came when I was having this vibration in my body that felt restless, kind of vibrating, pent up... I thought maybe that this was boredom. But that didn't really sit with me as the perfect descriptor. I mean I could ALWAYS find things to do!

But I've continued to play with this... continued to try and work out what my lizard brain was looking for... Yesterday I feel like I had a HUGE breakthrough...

It's not boredom... it's not really a lack of enjoyment (though this often feels like depression in that way)...it's not even a lack of fun in the broad sense... it's a lack of Play... playfulness...

The world, my job, my finances, my friends... everything is so SERIOUS right now. And the things I normally do for fun (go to a tiki-bar, Disneyland, conferences, concerts, travel, hang with friends, have a party at my house...even going to the gym) are all banned right now, even dreaming and planning for those things is banned. So, what have I been doing? I've been eating, drinking and spending to try to get some of that 'playful' feeling into my life.

This also explains why I've been so envious of people who are home with their kids right now. You've got this encyclopedia of fun/play/silliness -- right there -- living with you (I have a husband who, though I love him dearly and accept him exactly as he is - has all the personality traits of Eeyore + Oscar the grouch)

Interesting aside -- I was reading an article about fun for adults and one of the items was 'Set a Fun Minimum" "Set aside on day a week to have a min of two hours of fun" -- "Set aside at least two weeks a year devoted entirely to having fun". This has NOT happened since lockdown (we're still pretty much full on SIP here in California) and I am 100% sure this is a MAJOR part of my discontent right now. I"m not meeting my minimum requirements of fun.

Now... I realize that fun is a feeling. I know this! you all can tuck your model diagrams back into your back pockets . but I also think that part of what makes fun... "Play" is it's not something you think about. You get to turn your thinking brain off and just live in that moment. Like - I can totally use my thoughts to 'make things fun' I do it all the time. "Hey, what thought can I have to make filling out that spreadsheet fun!?" And I know it's my thoughts about going to Disneyland that makes that fun... I mean I'm sure for every one of me there are 100 people who would find going to the happiest place on earth a total nightmare...

So I guess my new quest is to start hitting my Minimum requirements for fun --- in non-food/drink/shopping ways.

What do I find fun? Things that don't require me to think, or push my boundaries or grow... I do enough of that pursuing my other goals. Things that are 'for kids' or things that 'girls don't do'. usually things that have social interaction... stupider the better

I going to spend some time digging into those times I'm having fun - figure out what about those circumstances -->> thoughts --->> felt like play. and see if I can dig up other/new things that I can do here at my home that's the same...

So... what do you do for fun?!

I’ve struggled with the idea/question/concept How do I make weight loss easy?’ I think it’s the number one reason I’ve stalled at 50 pounds gone. My brain is hanging on to the belief that weight-loss=dieting and dieting=hard. I know this is something I can change, and I’m working on it!

But, yesterday I finally came up with at least ONE answer to this question I really like.

One way I can make weight loss easy is to not let myself get very much past a -2. I’ve discovered that all the work I do to find my +2 is a lot harder when I’m at a -4 or more! It’s harder to eat slow, it’s harder to make wise choices, it’s harder to stop, breath and give myself time to assess. None of those things are impossible but they are harder and a lot of my off plan and overeats are around times when I’ve gotten hungry enough to feel shaky and light headed.

I’m not afraid of being hungry. I’ve proved that to myself over and over, but for me, perhaps one of the keys of making weight loss easy is managed my -2 as well as my +2.

This thought has lead to others I’m trying on. And maybe ... I’m finally ‘getting’ this concept and it can help me start to chip away at this next 50 pounds!