This is about fashion and a fashion icon but speaks so clearly about how our thoughts make all the difference in the world! How self esteem is a choice and how to live your life out loud. It’s something I’ve learned to do over the years but could never really articulate. But I think Dita has done so brilliantly here.

Dear Dita,

I adore your glamour style! However, I personally feel sort of overdressed in high heels, stockings & dress while around people in jeans. Everybody is staring at me & asking “What’s the occasion for that?” Have you ever been in that kind of situation? How to be brave enough to go on with glamour style every day? How do you deal with unwanted attention?

-Malina Kaa

Dear Malina,

In my 20+ years of dressing up in retro style, I’ve certainly had my fair share of stupid questions and criticisms, and I’ve even been flat-out made fun of, especially back in the early 90s before retro glamour became so popular and when my outfits were even more extravagant than they are now!

I recall a moment I had once that really cured me of feeling self-conscious. Two guys made fun of me in passing, who were both dressed in hideously ugly, stained and torn “University of Idiocy” T-shirts with mismatched shorts and some sort of offensive footwear.

I remember thinking, “Wait a minute, the fact that THESE guys think I look silly/crazy/unsexy is actually a compliment!”

I also began to realize that our appearance tells the world which tribe we belong to, or want to belong to. I have absolutely no desire to be a part of the tribe that those two guys belong to, you know? Imagine the hell of being asked out on a date with one of them? Heaven forbid I would fall in love with him and be forced to watch sports on TV while fetching a beer and a Manwich for one of those guys. That sounds like a special kind of hell to me.

I’ve said it time and time again. You can be a juicy, ripe peach and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches, so you can either submit to someone’s criticism of you, or you can get on with the business of being your own amazing self who attracts other like-minded people that appreciate you.

I often think about my icons of beauty and style, and I am quite certain that they received their fair share of ridicule, but if they hadn’t dared to be different, there are countless fashion styles that probably would have never made it to the mainstream.

Can you imagine if Marlene Dietrich had merely accepted that hotels in Paris wouldn’t welcome her while she was wearing a man’s tuxedo? Can you imagine the things people might have said as Isabella Blow wafted down the street in a billowing cape and one of her many enormous hats? I’d met her a few times, always astonished by her inspiring style, and I can tell you that she certainly didn’t give a crap what anyone thought of her, and for me and many others, she is highly regarded as one of the most important and most fashionable women ever.

Nothing great comes without risk, and only the very mediocre are safe from being poked fun at. Personally, every time someone makes a snide comment, I feel I am proud to be part of the elite group of weirdos! If you want to read a fabulous and hilarious book about this eccentric “club,” check out Simon Doonan’s “Eccentric Glamour.”

I’ve had all sorts of comebacks to the various “vocal observations” of my attire and my look, but I try to say positive things like, “Why yes, the special occasion is life, thank you for noticing!”

Back in the 90s, before retro glamour was in fashion, I would get asked if I was in a movie and I would say, “Yes, I’m starring in this amazing story of my own life,” with a positive attitude and tone of voice whenever possible. Sometimes people don’t mean to be rude, they just noticed you and they don’t realize that what they say might make you feel uncomfortable.

I really think we just have to forgive them, because they just don’t know, and sometimes, they even fear what they don’t know, and we should have sympathy for them. And, I have to add, that if you are already feeling uncomfortable, it might not even be that they are being rude, but their words are magnified and mirroring what you are feeling, so maybe it’s more about finding ways to find your own comfort zone and working on self-confidence.

I hope this helps, carry on with being the fabulous glambassador that you are, and don’t let them get you down!

xx

Dita

(Source: Black Swan Dita)

 Super Nerd Alert... and really just me restating my post from yesterday

In my profession there is a system of practices and disciples documented by an organization called ITIL called Service Support.

Within that are two major processes “Incident Management” and “Problem Management” and today I saw a correlation between these two and my weight loss journey (weird I know! - but it’s not the first time I’ve found this kind of correlation)

ITIL incident management (IM) is the practice of restoring services as quickly as possible after an incident, and it’s a reactive process. It’s used to ‘restore service’ and is not proactive in measure. However, you do plan your response to incidents so you can address them quickly and efficiently.

ITIL Problem Management is to identify the cause of a service issue and commission corrective work to prevent recurrences. This process is both reactive and proactive - reactive in solving problems in response to incidents (se above), and proactive in identifying and solving potential incidents before they occur.

“So what does this have to do with weight loss!?” I hear you say!

Well, it came to me recently I can also divide the thought work needed for weight loss (or really any goal) into two types.

There is Incident Management. The way I handle thoughts/circumstances or anything that might cause me to act in a way contrary to my goals. It’s how I handle that thing, right there, in that moment. AKA Urges

Incident management it broken down into several steps some of which are:

Detecting and recording incident details: or as Corrine calls it “Noticing” the urge thought.

Matching incidents against known problems: Is this a thought we’ve worked on before - or are the circumstances around that thought something we are working on currently? Can we use this info to resolve the incident quickly? Is this a “normal” thought for me?

Resolving incidents as quickly as possible: What something I can think quickly that can “Neutralize” the sabotaging thoughts?

All of this about neutralizing the urge and getting past it ASAP

Now Problem Management is a similar but related program that is focused on the ROOT CAUSE of those sabotaging thoughts and how we can prevent them in the future.

This is all about the TFD cycle - the daily journaling and figuring out how to think different and feel different and change life LONG TERM.

I realized that I’m really good at problem management. I’m a thought ninja. Been working on ‘the model’, as we used to call it, since the early 2000’s Give me a TFD cycle and I’m gunna own that MFer.

I would go to camp and we would look at all the places that could trip people up ‘relationships, self worth, body image and more’ and none of them resinated with me. But what I struggled with and didn’t realize was a different issue - issue management and now that I know… it feels like finally the place I need to work is clear and I feel like I have a TRUE path to success at last.

 I think I had an epiphany last night. At least it felt like one at about Midnight right before falling asleep.

Between the thought work I've been digging into lately and the reading I was doing last night something just CLICKED. It feels like something I've been on the edge of for quite some time now and my brain finally 'got' it.

I was reading through my 'whys' (I've been adding that to my daily habits) when I came on the card that says "Get great at self control". And this little voice whispered "Self control just means talking to yourself right..."

I kind of did a mental double take... I mean... is it? really?

Yeah! it is!

I knew the way to reach my goals wasn't through will power. That white knuckle feeling of tension; of holding back or pushing forward that eventually gets exhausted. But for a LONG time I've been thinking the opposite of that was just to tell myself "NO!" or "Do it!" and meaning it. But that felt wrong too! All too often that was just a reason for my inner rebel to flip off the world and go eat a whole plate of cookies.

But last night I realized it's easier then that...(and this sounds so simple) but it really is talking to yourself in a way that makes the goal choice as attractive or more attractive than the non-goal choice. Or even just realizing there is a choice in the first place. Self control isn't a "No! because I said so" thing it's a "We could do that, but we could also...." thing.

It's using conjunctions. It's realizing that a thought, an urge a whatever doesn't have to end at the 'urge thought' but can be extended into a choice with "ifs, ands and buts"

Part of this realization came because I have been practicing this with my workouts adding a "And I'm getting stronger every day" to "I'm so out of shape". Not stopping at "I don't want to get up I'm so tired" but adding "But I'm going to, because I'm going to feel so much better in a few minutes"

I've been countering urges to impulse spend that start with "I want that!" by adding "But I want the freedom of being debt free more!"

An urge to drink last night that sounded like "It'll make the game more fun..." got the addendum of "But it'll also make me sleepy and the game harder to enjoy later"

This feels SO MUCH BETTER then what I was doing before! Before I was "Saying 'no' harder" or trying to just eliminate the urges in the first place. But that isn't self control! Self control is learning to 'control' myself and it doesn't have to be hard or feel like I'm constantly repressing or trying to eliminate a part of me. It means joining up with that part of me.. speaking to it in a language it understands and reminding it that we're on the same side!

And this is getting really woo woo I know.. but I feel like a new person suddenly!

 Today I had something of an epiphany... I was thinking over the past week and the thought "I took my foot off the gas" popped to mind. I paused to examine that thought and realized that it sat very well with me. And here's why...

Driving some place requires some action on your part... At a minimum you have to push the accelerator and move the steering wheel. And it requires a little coordination between them... If you are pointed in the wrong direction and put on the gas... You're not going to get to where you want to go. If all you do is turn you wheel toward your goal, but don't push the gas... you'll be stuck. Turn the wheel to sharply toward your goal and you might wipe out... same if you push the accelerator too hard.

But sometimes we can be pushing the accelerator, and turning the wheel and we still aren't going anywhere. Do we judge ourselves then? Do we say... OMG! I'm doing ALL the things and still haven't made it to the store! NO!

Because sometimes there are other things to consider. Is there fuel in the tank? is the battery fully charge? Maybe the carburetor is out of tune and we're not getting the momentum we would expect from the amount of pressure we're putting on the pedal. Maybe the power steering is out it's made it more difficult then usual to steer... but non of those are a moral failing. it's just a matter of testing to see what needs a little tuning/fixing so that we can get the results we expect from the action we are taking...

We also need to to be aware of what the road conditions currently are. Pouring rain, we have to steer and accelerate more carefully. Strait and dry freeway.. maybe we can push a little harder. Bumpy gravel road...we have to let off the gas a little in order to stay on the path... Again, do we talk to ourselves like an asshole during those times! NO! generally we praise ourselves for being aware and doing what's necessary for keeping ourselves safe while still moving toward our goal. Why should weight loss be different!? (or any goal for that matter) Sometimes we have to let off the gas a little so that we can figure out a particularly complex portion of the road. AND THAT'S OK

And sometimes we discover we've just been day dreaming a little... or gotten distracted by the passenger telling us a really great story. We've let off the gas, or missed a turn... and what's important is that we recognize it, and focus on our ACTIONS to correct that. Push the accelerator, turn the wheel and get back on the road to our goal

and I've found I REALLY REALLY like thinking of my journey in those terms...

All reactions:

57Elaine Hadley, Marie Douglass and 55 others

Today I had something of an epiphany... I was thinking over the past week and the thought "I took my foot off the gas" popped to mind. I paused to examine that thought and realized that it sat very well with me. And here's why...

Driving some place requires some action on your part... At a minimum you have to push the accelerator and move the steering wheel. And it requires a little coordination between them... If you are pointed in the wrong direction and put on the gas... You're not going to get to where you want to go. If all you do is turn you wheel toward your goal, but don't push the gas... you'll be stuck. Turn the wheel to sharply toward your goal and you might wipe out... same if you push the accelerator too hard.

But sometimes we can be pushing the accelerator, and turning the wheel and we still aren't going anywhere. Do we judge ourselves then? Do we say... OMG! I'm doing ALL the things and still haven't made it to the store! NO!

Because sometimes there are other things to consider. Is there fuel in the tank? is the battery fully charge? Maybe the carburetor is out of tune and we're not getting the momentum we would expect from the amount of pressure we're putting on the pedal. Maybe the power steering is out it's made it more difficult then usual to steer... but non of those are a moral failing. it's just a matter of testing to see what needs a little tuning/fixing so that we can get the results we expect from the action we are taking...

We also need to to be aware of what the road conditions currently are. Pouring rain, we have to steer and accelerate more carefully. Strait and dry freeway.. maybe we can push a little harder. Bumpy gravel road...we have to let off the gas a little in order to stay on the path... Again, do we talk to ourselves like an asshole during those times! NO! generally we praise ourselves for being aware and doing what's necessary for keeping ourselves safe while still moving toward our goal. Why should weight loss be different!? (or any goal for that matter) Sometimes we have to let off the gas a little so that we can figure out a particularly complex portion of the road. AND THAT'S OK

And sometimes we discover we've just been day dreaming a little... or gotten distracted by the passenger telling us a really great story. We've let off the gas, or missed a turn... and what's important is that we recognize it, and focus on our ACTIONS to correct that. Push the accelerator, turn the wheel and get back on the road to our goal

and I've found I REALLY REALLY like thinking of my journey in those terms...

All reactions:

57Elaine Hadley, Marie Douglass and 55 others

 tldr; I've lost over 20 pounds since the end of Feb, while learning loads about myself, not hating the process and taking three vacations

Mondays are my weigh in day, and today I had a lot of 'thoughts' it felt good to capture some of them, so I'm going to share some of them here.

Like many, Ive lost weight a LOT of times - pretty sure I started my first diet when I was a freshman in High School... I've lost a significant amount of weight three other times in the 2000's. Once doing BFL, once doing Leanness Lifestyle and once doing Metifast. I never made it to goal and I always gained my weight back and a few of it's friends came along for the ride.

After Christmas in 2018 I got to my highest weight ever - 295.75 and I thought 'I've got to do something!' so I wrote down all the things I hated about myself, and started yet another diet.

And I lost weight... until about feb...

Sometime before April 2019, somehow I got on a mailing list about the PNP Tribe, and In April, when the tribe opened up for new members, I signed up - April 8th I started changing EVERYTHING about my thoughts. It wasn't the first time I had heard about the TFD cycle or worked with a coach that taught it, but the combination of the right messenger at the right time... and this time I GOT it!

From April to Nov of 2019 got my total weight loss to 54 lbs! which was great but even better was the loss of the mental weight and learning to no longer hate my body. But, I also started to struggle with my why... If I didn't hate myself - why diet? I worked through that - found a new why and got my total weight loss down to almost 59 pounds by March 25, 2020.

and then 2020 happened... As I was learning to deal with the changes in the world at large and in my personal life my weight started going up... and it continued to go up until I had gained back almost 40 pounds. The difference this time? it went up with my full awareness. I was learning the entire time. I did not say 'fuck it' even once and I did not gain more then I had lost!

2021 was a year of maintenance. I was still dealing with major changes in my life, still teaching myself what 'didn't work' and by the beginning of 2022 I was pretty much 'done' doing the things that didn't work. I was ready... but first I had to go on a couple of MAJOR vacations...

I came back from Disneyworld at 283.35 (-12.4 from my highest) I immediately started digging into the content on NOBS... It was FIRE! Starting with Taking big ass action, that reminded me that BAA meant doing the things was action - not setting myself up with Asinine Diet Rules... Then in Stalls and Plateaus... I was asked to makes sure I wasn't participating in delusional dieting. And Drop it like it's HOT! too many ahha moments to even mention... I've listened to every Q&A call twice now.. FIRE! I tell ya!

But, the biggest things I've done have been done on my own. It's hearing that voice in my head that says "This isn't enough" and telling it... "we don't know that". And it was asking myself questions like "What would it take to plan every day?" or "what would following my plan look like?" - and actually ANSWERING that question. Writing down my thoughts about weight loss and my goal (It's not realistic, I'll never actually get there, I'm kidding myself, It's too late, getting there will take major suffering and sacrifice) and asking "is this true?" "What else could be true". Asking my urges, "What are you trying to tell me? What can I learn?" And dozens (or hundreds) of other small questions and thoughts ... and not ignoring them.

One thought in particular I've been telling to 'fuck off' is "I'm too fat for weight loss to be this hard". It comes in sometime when I have an urge to eat off plan, or not stop at enough...

But today... today when I stepped on the scale and it rolled out a number that is 34 pounds down from my highest and over 20 pounds down from Feb, I had a flash. Losing this weight isn't and hasn't been hard... You know what was hard? spending an hour planning my food down to the calorie by macros and working out for two hours a day six days a week was hard. (and needing to be perfect every day). Eating powdered foods and calories below 1000 per day.. that was hard. Hating myself and crying every time I got dressed - that was hard. What I'm doing now... writing a plan I can follow, eating foods I love (and crave) when I'm hungry, stopping when I've had enough isn't hard (it's work some days, but it's not hard). Opening the fridge and seeing the Peanut butter and thinking "I want that" and countering with "Guess I know what's going on the plan for lunch tomorrow" isn't fucking hard! These are things I can do.. and while I still haven't figure out how to 'enjoy' the process I for damn sure don't hate it. And you know what!? I'm going to be at my goal one day and I'm going to OWN all the 'not hard' work it took me to get there!