Yesterday was green - No really obsticals no big hurtles just forward progress and I like it. I kept my commitment to do SOMETHING every day by doing some pilates. It felt really good to stretch and workout in such control. I felt really long and lean afterwords. On that vein, one of the things I DON'T like about not weighing and using the 'pant-o-meter' is my ability to convince myself that I'm not 'really' seeing the progress that I'm having. I'm pretty sure my slacks have been looser of late. Even the brand new 'small' size 14's that I just bought. Since I put them on after JUST washing them and was seeing some baggyness in new places I'm pretty sure that something is going on. I'll take measurements and pictures this weekend and know 'for sure'. Today should be clean - has been so far, though I wasn't as well prepared as I would like. Still I managed to grab a healthy bar, banana, and whole wheat pitas stuffed with chicken... it should tide me over until I can get home. Mood is up, progress is tentative, but green is green!

Another part of this book just lept off the page and bit me on the nose, so I had to share it!



"...I recommend that you should not even try to eat a perfect diet. Perfectionism is just a form of rigidity. It's simply compulsive "not eating," and it's usually replaced with compulsive eating after it become too unpleasant. Your real goal should be to overcome compulsiveness of any kind. To overcome compulsiveness, don't try to be perfect -- try to be good. Over the long run, good beats perfect every time" (The False Fat Diet Elson M. Haas, M.D.)

It's too early to say I'm in the groove, but I'm certainly a LOT happier then I was before! Yesterday was GREAT despite a few potential setbacks. First of all, I had all day meetings - always a challenge. I got up and had some scrambled egg whites and then took a banana strawberry shake with me. By the time my first meeting started the shake was gone, and I was able to pass up the bagels and danishes that abounded. I got some time off for lunch so I had my prepared chicken patty - unfortuantly right after I finished eating I was invited out to lunch with a bunch of people to send off a coworker who was leaving. I went but sipped my diet soda and nibbled on nann while everyone else wolfed down some awsome smelling idian food.



My last meeting was over at 3:00 so I headed for home - it was a BEAUTIFUL day, and I quickly changed into running clothes and I was on the track by 5:00! What a GREAT feeling to run again! I've lost a step or two but really got in a GREAT workout and I'm not at all worried about the drop in my mile time. The track was really soft due to all the rain we've been getting so my foot is completely pain free both last night and today. My legs WERE KILLING me last night (My bum was so sore from my leg workout) but it was worth it. I spent the rest of the night a MILE high.



My meals today are planned and my lunches packed. I'm expecting another GREAT day.

YES! a great day today. Not only were the eats clean, but I did my lower body workout, planned all my meals for tomorrow, and breakfast and lunch are prepared and sitting in the fridge ready to be consumed! I love days like this!



I only got in one set of legs but MAN did I kill myself. I have a feeling I'll be feeling it for several days after! 60 lbs supper sets. Plie squat, dead lift, squat, split squat... 15 reps NO REST! I was panting and on the verge of puking by the end. My legs are still trembling as we speak!! My shoulders and hands got quite a workout too, just holding those weights for so long.



My current goal is to do SOME sort of workout every day. I think cardio's going to be out of the question tomorrow so I'll either do upper body or pilates.



I have meetings all day tomorrow so I probably won't be able to check in until the end of the day, but you can bet I'll do my best to make tomorrow a healthy day too!

I started reading a book called "The False Fat Diet" and came across a GREAT quote that I had to share..



"If you strive for thin, you'll never win. Strive for health and thin will follow".



It so closely matches what Jeremy talked to me about last week that I have a feeling I'm supposed to be hearing this! Just like when three DIFFERENT people told me to back away from the scale.



By the way "The False Fat Diet" talks about food alergies and should be an interesting read.

After the THIRD person (and the last being someone _I'm_ supposed to be mentoring) said "get off the scale" I'm going to do it. I actually desided to NOT get on the scale for a few weeks over the weekend... and then in my morning fog stepped on the scale this morning - duh!



Just to clear things up a bit - I DO know that I have to trust in my own hard work. The thing is, I KNOW I haven't been 100% - I suppose I use the scale, and the lack of progress that shows as a punishment. Sick and twisted I know. There was something else I realized while talking to my VGF Cory...



Feel free to skip this deep emotional insite if you wish! lol



You see, for years, basically 175 has been my goal... The ultimate measure of success.. Why? Well 175 represents every diet I ever failed. It represents 12+ years waisted in a distructive relationship. It represents a childhood lost to having babies and keeping house.



It shouldsn't but it does. and I don't know how to change that. No, being 175 won't make me 18 again. It won't give me back the self esteem that was eroded every time I 'got close' but didn't make it. It won't heal the scars from 12 years of abuse... logically I know this, but somehow in my heart I feel as if 175 is some sort of symble... a sign that I HAVE made it, that I have healed, matured and that I HAVE overcome.



I hate facing a problem that I don't have the answer to. This is one of them, but just because I don't have the answer doesn't mean that I can't keep moving, keep planning and keep doing good things for myself... And I'm going to step away from the scale... Overcoming - maturing and healing is so much more then a number on the scale. I know this - and I'm going to focus on that until my heart believes what my head knows....



Emotional Rant over!



So - I've been eating clean - Yesterday I needed to recover, mentally and emotionally so I have myself a day off - but today I WILL train. I'm going to keep FIRM in my mind how good it feels to workout, how strong and powerful it feels... Not to mention the great things it does for my body. My body responds well to excercise, so I need to take advantage of it.



One other thing I realized over the weekend is how much I REALLY miss running... That meditation time.. That time to focus on goals and think postive thoughts, always happened while I was running. I can't do that while trying to follow Billy Blanks on TV and I really can't do it while lifting wieights... When I'm running my body does what needs to be done and my mind is free. I need that.



Ok - that's probably enough blathering for me!

Wed didn't go as planned, and Thursday had no plan, so I'm left with a colorful calendar once again. But - My time to refocus is getting shorter and shorter.



This morning when I got on the scale and it said 182 and 42% body fat I decided ENOUGH!!!! I've wasted enough of my time, enough of my LIFE! I'm taking back control and making canges in my life.



Now to decide HOW. Well, I started the Discover Channel Diet, and I REALLY like it! It's so simple I just click a button and I have a menu and a shopping list. Sunday will be 'free' in the sense that I'm not going to 'plan' a menu, but I'm going to keep it in reason.



Exercise has been the most inconsistent part of my program. I want to RUN! Every other form of cardio I find every excus in the book to put off. So I'm going to do a 3 on and 1 off weight program for a bit. Just Something everyday to get the body moving and the blood pumping.



I did have a little talk with Jeremy, and I realized that more then anything what needs to change is me. There is obviously something INSIDE of me that's brining on these laps... I need to focus and I need to stop letting myself down. I'm worth the time it takes to plan and fix nutritious meals. No, wait - the FUTURE me is worth it! I'm worth the effort it takes to push out a few reps with the weights... I want to be strong and healthy... I want to be a role model. Heck, I'll admit it, I even want to be admired!



As I've said before, visualization is a real problem for me, so I'm going to take the time to do a little artwork and put my head on the body I want. I'm adding pilates back into my program so that I can spend that time thinking the body that's sitting there, waiting for me to take posession of it. I want to ingrain that image in my head, I want to see it when I look in the mirror and in my dreams. And - I'm starting all of this TODAY - I'm not going put this off until Monday. Today is the day to take action! If I put it off until Monday I know what I'll do, I'll take a three day break and be back to 185! No more back

sliding! I WILL get below 175. I've had ENOUGH!