When I got home last night I faced a serious challenge...

I was tired, hungry, had a headache and dinner was no where near being ready.  It was day three of being on my eating plan and I was dealing with that day three 'crash'.  That day when your body says... "HEY, you're not eating like you normally do.  This is the third day of this and we need to remind you of who's in charge here...*poof* you will now feel like crap"

Since dinner plans weren't working out and wouldn't for the night I told the family, "Dinner is on your own tonight" and went out for my 4 mile run.

When I returned, not only was I tired, hungry and had a headache but I was starting to CRAVE.  The kids and hubby were happily diving into their self made meals; egg burritos, leftover chicken, leftover meatballs etc.  I could smell all the food cooking and the feast beast was shaking the bars of his cage and muttering, "you want an egg burrito too, and toast, egg burrito with tortilla and cheese and a side of toast with loads of butter"

I wanted to whip out a fry pan and start cooking.  I wanted to eat NOW!

But, just because the food I had on my plan wasn't going to happen tonight, I wasn't about to give in to that muttering in my brain.  I knew I had to put the feast beast in it's place NOW.  So, I drug out out computer, logged into my program, deleted the meal I had planned for the day and proceeded to plan a new one based on what was in the house and was quick.  It didn't take long and in the end, the food ended up tasting FANTASTIC.  And this morning I woke up another 2.2 (that's right 2.2) lbs down for a total of four pounds since Saturday. Take THAT feast beast.

On the other side of the fence I've been in an absolute PANIC about the fact that I only have 6 weeks until my 1/2 Iron Man.  The Fear Fiend has been hard at work sowing seeds of doubt, and irrational fear.  I only realized how irrational last night.  As I was on my run I again started to get those feelings.  "Only six weeks, only six WEEKS!" the fear fiend was chanting.  "Think how hard that 1/2 marathon was in June, or worse how hard that simple sprint triathlon was this weekend," he continued.  "You won't be ready!"

Finally it came to me.  "So, what!?"

What's the worse that could happen?  I might not finish.  So, is that such a terrible thing?  I'm still miles ahead of everyone at home sitting on their couch watching football.  It'll be hard.  So?!  Many things are hard.  Getting out of bed and going to work is hard some days, but you do it.  Even if it's hard do you really think you'll regret doing it in the end?  Will you regret failing as much as not even trying?

Holy crap!  That shut the Fear Fiend up.

Then, as I was looking over my training plan today it hit me.  It's not "only 6 weeks".  I have a WHOLE SIX WEEKS to prepare!  My bike ride planned for tonight suddenly got a lot more meaningful.

Sunday I ran a half marathon.  And it was hard, and it was scary and I started to doubt weather I can do this whole half iron man thing.  I know I need to rid myself of those kinds of thoughts... But I also need to take a second, pull them out, look at them, acknowledge them and THEN toss them away.

Half way through my training, things started to go bad for me.  I can't really pin point why.  I think the main reason was doing too much too fast in a body that wasn't ready for it.  When our mid-week runs went up to 6 miles, my body started to break down and I never really recovered from it.  On top of that I did something weird to my knee and it started hurting - big time.  I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to stop running - I needed to finish this half marathon.  My psyche couldn't take another DNS.  I couldn't give up on myself once again.  

So, I started reducing or skipping my mid-week runs and just doing the weekend runs as written.  I also stopped dieting thinking that the low calories were contributing to the 'non-knee' related side of my breakdown.  And it worked for the most part.  I made it through my 12 mile run, the peek of my training plan, and then didn't run for thirteen days leading up to my race.  I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it worked.  I was able to run relatively pain free (in my knee) for the entire race.  

Race day was beautiful.  It wasn't going to be too hot, or too cold (starting in the high 50's and warming into the low 60's) there was a breeze but not the strong winds we had be having for days.  Getting to the race was easy because the starting line was about 1/2 a mile from my house.  I simply walked out my front door and did a brisk walk to the starting line and I was there!  I wandered around, waiting for the start and visiting with a few friends.  Then it was a short walk to the street to line up and, we were off.

I don't do many foot races, and the majority of those are 5K's so I wasn't really prepared for what the start of a 1/2 marathon is like.  I'm used to having this HUGE mass of people go shooting off without me, while I start my plodding pace, that's the same speed I'll go the entire race.  This time I found that while there was a speedy bunch that zoomed off, there weren't many of them and there seemed to be just as many that were like me, in it for the long haul.  The number of walkers, run/walkers and just plain ol' slow people was a nice surprise.

The first few miles clicked off fairly easily, and before I knew it I was to the foot bridge that was almost at the three mile mark and I was still feeling good.  Four miles still felt ok.  My knee was good, my lungs felt great and I was in a happy place (as happy as I get when running).  Five miles was still ok - I was making sure to drink plenty of water and was walking through ever water stop in order to top off the water bottle I was carrying.  Six miles I was starting really dig in mentally.  I knew this was going to be a long race and keeping focus was going to be one of the struggles - my focus was slipping a little but not terrible.  I hit the 1/2 way point and got a  little happy.  I felt pretty good, but I was tired - bored of running - tired of fighting and the thought occurred to me that if I was doing a 10K I would already be done.  At that moment I promised myself that I would never do a run longer then 10K again...

The last 1/2 of the run was an exercise in pain management.  While my knee was behaving beautifully, my lower back had started to tighten and my hips (probably from the slow shuffling run I was doing) were killing me.  I stopped and stretched several times and basically talked myself through each 1/2 mile.  Looking back on it now though - I was never... exhausted.  I was in pain, but not terribly tired and that, at least, makes me happy and gives me hope.  The last half mile I decided to gut it up and just keep running.  And I did... a little before the finish I saw my family waiting and cheering for me - it gave me a burst of energy I didn't know I had and I started to speed up - I kept running faster with each step until I crossed the finish line.

I finished!

Two days later I'm still worried about how hard it was.  However, thinking back on it now, yes there was some pain that I had to work through, but the biggest issue was mental.  Figuring out how to not get (frankly) bored...  Physically I know I can do this - but I would like to do it and not have it be a 'punishment'  If I can figure that part out, I'll do alright.

Well - I know it's been a while, but I haven't given up.

The week after my Triathlon (in my last post), I suddenly found that working out was getting really hard.  My runs were getting further and longer and I was running out of energy to do them.  So - I upped my calories.  That seemed to help a little, but of course you give an addict an inch and they'll take a mile.  My "I need to eat more" attitude along with several birthday parties etc meant I stopped seeing progress.  I wasn't gaining really, but I wasn't losing either.  

So I managed to come up with a compromise that (so far) is working...Low calorie/low carb three days a week and more calories and carbs from FRUIT (not pastries and the like) on my running days (and Sunday).  Now, it's only Thursday (started on Monday) so I can't tell you it's a perfect plan, but I didn't have any issues running on Tuesday, nor going to the gym two days AND I woke up this morning at my lowest weight since my 'come-back'.  I'm below 220!!  219.2 to be exact and it feels GREAT to be over that hump.  214.x here I come!

Oh, and I'm wearing the same dress that I wore on the first day of work (Feb 27th) On that day I had to wear the belt on the biggest hole.  Today it fit two holes smaller and is lose on that hole!  Excited to being seeing progress and feeling like I'm changing my life for the good again!

Hello bloggerland!

Just thought I would update you all on where I'm at.

2011 wasn't a great year health and fitness wise.  I pretty much let it all go to crap.  But, I do feel like I've learned some things along the way and I'm putting them to good use now.

I started a(nother) new job back in Feb and that started me back on the path of eating better.  It helps that I usually don't have a car here and that there is no fast food nearby.  I've been forced to plan ahead and bring my own food, and when planning ahead I make better choices then when eating on impulse (but then we all knew that, didn't we?")  Since I started my new job (2/27) I've lost almost 15 lbs!  I'm pretty proud of that.

I also set myself some pretty lofty goals for the year.  This was going to be the year that I FINALLY did a 1/2 Iron Man.  I figured I would make a commitment to it by purchasing my entry WAAAAY before hand.  I also decided that I would train for a 1/2 Marathon before then because I knew the run was the shakiest portion of the whole thing.  Training hadn't been going very well though and I was getting discouraged.  Then I got an email telling me that a training group was starting up for my 1/2 and that they would be meeting on that Saturday (3/17).  I figured I would give it a shot.

When I arrived I wasn't very happy.  The group seemed like the typical runners group.  Everyone so lean and fit.  Who was I to run with them - size 18 and well over 200lbs?  After some uncomfortable waiting I started to edge toward the door of the store we had met at but Monica stopped me before I could leave.  She said hi, talked to me a bit and then asked if I was here to run.  I tried putting her off.  Told her I thought I was in the wrong place; that I was supposed to be meeting with a beginners running group and that I had expected (and I quote), "A greater diversity in body shape".  She brushed off my concerns, let me know that everyone was welcome here and pulled me back into the store.  I will say that I will be eternally grateful that she did!

That day was a turning point for me.  She was right.  The Run365 folks were great to me, and still are.  They never let me run alone.  The encourage without making me discouraged.  They cheer with me as I approach being able to hold a pace UNDER 13:00 min per mile.  It's been GREAT.   AND I've stopped putting off and cutting short my training.  (for running at least).  I actually (almost) look forward to running days when I get to hook of with the girls and gossip for a few hours.  I almost feel like I'm making...friends.  

And yes, I am improving!  That first run was a shock to me (I was barely running 3 miles a few times a week).  "5 miles" they said  and I nearly passed out.  But I did it and everyone was willing for it to take as long as it took.  And it took 1:10:42.  I averaged a pace of 14:35min/mile.  The last time I had really done more then 3 miles was WAAAY back in Aug 2010.  

And I've been running more then 3 miles, 3 days a week every since.  

The 7th was my longest run (ever).  8 miles!  I, the girl who can't run, ran 8 miles!  And not only that, but I did it at a pace of 13:25min/mile.  Not only am I going longer, but I've dropped my pace a minute per mile already (it's just been a month).  That's pretty incredible if I do say so myself.

So - that brings us to this past weekend.  I did my first tri of the year.  A tiny thing called "Shortest Tri Ever" It's a local tri they hold every year in the little city of Emeryville.  100 y pool swim, 2.5 mile bike, and 2.1 mile run.  I figured this was the perfect way for me to start my new 'tri-life'.

I arrived early on a beautiful morning.  The rain that's been almost non-stop for months had cleared for the day.  It was cold, but by the feel of the air it wouldn't be for long.  It didn't take too long to get my number and race setup instruction.  It was going to be an interesting race because T1 and T2 weren't in the same place.  I dropped the few things I needed for the run at T2 and then walked over to T1.  There I set up my bike, clothes, towels and everything else I would need to move from swim to bike.  The only dark spot of the day was turning out to be my bike.  My regular road bike was in the shop to get some recently discovered major repairs done on it so I was stuck using my 11 year old mountain bike.  As I was transporting/racking it I noticed the back wheel was acting funny.  It would spin free for a short while and then the breaks would catch and it would stop.  I fiddled with it as much as I could but couldn't get it to stop doing it.  I finally figured I would just live with it - I wasn't like I was trying to PR or anything here.  I was just trying to get back into the flow of race day.

Before long it was near starting time and everyone wandered over to the (lovely) heated pool.  After a few race instructions (that way too many talked through) they were loading up the first wave of swimmers and the race was on it's way.

100 yards isn't too long a swim.  I don't think a single person took longer then the 5 minutes that had set between waves.   (unlike the Deer Valley Sprint I've done in the past where the swim is 200 y).  That was the 'good'.  The bad was that the women 40-49 group was the largest of the day and when we all climbed into the pool every lane had at least 4 people in it.  Let me tell  you, that's pretty darn crowded.  Everyone had self seeded.  The slower in the right lanes going faster to the left.  I put myself just left of the center lane. I know I'm a 1/2 decent swimmer, but I've also only swam twice outside of a race in 2 1/2 years!  I looked over the other swimmers and just by how relaxed they seemed had a good idea who was going to be the person to beat in the lane. I ended up being right.  One of the girls in my lane was doing laps as her warm up and as they counted down to the start of our wave we started to get nervous because she wasn't back to the start line yet.  She touched wall just as they said "GO" and we were off!  

If you ever get the chance to swim 4 across in a swim lane at the start of a race --- don't.  It was a disaster and because it was a disaster I hung back until everyone else had surged a bit ahead.  When I pushed off the wall and started swimming I quickly figured out how silly that was... It took me all of two strokes to catch up and then I was stuck behind a wall of three swimmers. (we were supposed to be circle swimming - uh, yeah).  I tried moving over - tried juking through - there was nothing.  The three hit the wall and turned to swim back and that's where I finally found an opening.  I had passed the slowest just as we had hit the wall.  Past the next in two strokes as she tried to maneuver around the slowest, and within a pool length I was out in front.  After that it was just a matter of staying in front, and that I did.  When I hit the wall and tried to pop out of the water I was pretty sure I was 3rd or 4th.  Unfortunately my exit out of the water was a little less the graceful and I lost time and watched a few people pass me as I struggled to pull myself out of the pool.

Once I got to my bike I changed as quickly as I could but I found I was having trouble remembering everything and getting to the rhythm of transition.  It took much much too long and I watched a few other people pass me with their bikes as I tied my shoes.  (No clips on my mountain bike).  But I was off without incident and quickly fell into a pattern of peddling.  The only incident was at one point a girl I was passing (on the left) decided she needed to take a left turn and almost bashed into me.  She yelled, a little confused because she had watched some others turn at that corner.  I yelled back, "Follow the cones!"  and pointed to the line of cones that clearly marked the bike route.  Yeah - they had explained that in the pre-race speech that many people ignored.

You can imagine that 2.5 miles on the bike doesn't take long.  It didn't.  I passed a few folks but not many.  I was passed by a few myself, but again, not many.  Those that did pass me were on sleek, light road bikes so I didn't feel so bad since I was on a 20 lb mountain bike with a draggy break.

I hit T2 feeling good.  In fact, I felt confident, probably the most confident I had ever felt going into a run.  I only had to run 2 miles and the weekend before I had just done 8!  No problem!  I dropped off my bike and helmet, grabbed my hat and took off.

My legs felt tired but not overly so and I forced myself to keep running because I knew the feeling would wear off eventually.  A few blocks later I started to feel better and I was smiling when I rounded the turn from the side street I was on onto the main street.  What I saw make me curse outloud.  A HILL.  But, I've been working all month on not being afraid of hills.  So I picked up my head, leaned forward and set my mind on conquering it.  Up and up it went.  Not really a hill but actually an over pass.  And overpass to take cars up and over the train tracks and the trains that ran on them.  Not just one set of train tracks but at least 4.  I just kept running and was surprised at how quickly the top came.  Then it was down the backside, a bit further down the road and poof there was the turn around.  A short diversion through a shopping center and it was back up the same road, up, over the hill, down it's other side and few blocks later, the finish line. In all I finished in  46:32 and was 10 out 20 in my age group; 41 out of 81 women.  Not bad!  Not bad at all!

All in all, a great start to the year and a race I will look forward to starting my season off with next year as well!

  

I guess Dora sent the fat fairy my way last night because this morning the scale ready 224.4!!  I'm holding off on getting too excited because it may be one of those false drops I get now and then, but I'm hopeful that this is the real deal and I'm on my way to below the 220's.  

I've been staying tight with my food (and feeling really good about it) and working my butt of exercise wise.  

Hit the gym on Monday and did legs, then did a 30 minute spin later that night.  I kept putting off getting on the bike but finally (because I had committed to it) did it.  It wasn't really fun or easy.  I've lost some of my... how should I put this... saddle muscles.  I know weight is part of the issue as it puts more pressure on, pressure points.  So, dropping some pounds and spending more time on my bike should fix me up in no time.

Did a chest workout yesterday at the gym it was frustrating because I had to use such light weights!  I really need to get my strength back, it was one thing I was really proud of.  I'm almost more frustrated with losing that, then I am at gaining the weight back.  Almost.

If you've watched the news much you might know it's been pouring rain here in Northern California.  And if you've followed my blog at all you know I'm training for a 1/2 marathon.  Last night was a track workout with my training team.  I was one of the few who showed up.  The coach showed up, took one look at the track and said, "We can't run on this, do you guys want to just go home, or do you want to run?" 

We all looked at each other, and someone said, "We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to run!"  That settled it.  

So off we went to run the streets in one of the hilliest cities I know.  Me and hills, well we don't really get along.  Running downhill isn't much of an issue.  In fact, I'm really rather good at it (heh).  But uphill.  I'm afraid of uphill and often I let myself 'quit' and walk up the hills.  But not tonight.  I told myself that I would never get over being afraid of running uphill unless I RAN UP SOME HILLS!  So I ran.  I told myself it didn't matter how slow I went as long as I kept running.

I was really really proud of myself in in the end.  Not only did I get out when 99% of the world was welded to their couch, but I got in a workout and adjusted a bit of my mental attitude.

On my way home, my husband called me and let me know our roof was leaking and that he had called the landlord.  He was going to send someone by in the morning to take a look at it. So, this morning I got up and headed to the gym planning to get a workout in early before they came.  BUT, I had only just got there and started warming up when my son called to say the guys were there already!  CRAP.  

Anyway, the roof is going to get fixed and we'll get the ceiling replace in one corner of our bedroom.  I'll have to get my workout in a little later then I would like - but I AM going to get it done.  I'm on too much of a roll right now to let something as small as this get in my way.

Ok - every time I turn around there's something else cool that syncs with fitbit; including my new fancy shmancy scale.  I may just break down and get one.  If I do I'll run in side by side with my bodybugg for a while and see what's what.  If it's 'close enough' I'll drop the monthly subscription to my bodybugg and just transition over...

I know I haven't updated in a while.  I've been in a pretty black head space of late.  Best way I can describe it is anti-social.  (my poor husband).  And yet, despite myself, I've stayed on plan and have seen a little progress.  

Total loss for last week was 1.8 lbs.  It seems low to me for the amount of work I've been putting in, but I know that my body has been 'readjusting' this week.  All my clothes fit better/different  and it's more then a >2lb loss can account for.  My scale is also telling me that I'm losing body fat.  In fact, it thinks I've lost about 5 lbs of fat last week.  So, that cheered me up a bit.  Still not fitting into the top pairs of pants in my 'bonus clothes' but I did fit into (and pull out) all my next size underwear.  

Some other victories...

Wednesday hubby and I went out for a walk - we pushed ourselves and put in 6 miles!

Thursday I missed my group run, but forced myself out the door anyway.  I started easy and maintained a steady pace and ended up running the entire 4 miles that was in my plan.  That was a HUGE victory for me.  

Saturday I had another group run in The City.  It was cold, gloomy and rainy, but I went anyway.  I was happy and surprised to find that there was a good sized group running my pace and I stuck with them for the entire 6 miles.  Yes _I_ ran 6 miles (with some walking mixed in).

Sunday - well yesterday I was really struggling with head hunger, and black thoughts.  I think I'm hormonal.  I bumped my calories a little, but kept them all good fats and proteins.  That did seem to help, some.  My husband suggested I needed 'retail therapy'  I told him what I wanted was 'bon bon therapy' but I wasn't going to allow myself to go there.  I didn't and I was proud of that fact.

What's really strange is that even though I haven't noticed a huge spike in energy or anything like that, I've found that my 'bad mood' has made me restless.  I just can't sit still right now and my house is starting to get really clean :D  For someone like me to whom all housework is evil, that's a pretty big deal.  

Anyway - I'm alive.  I'm doing ok and I'm hoping that in a day or two I can be a little more positive and motivating...