For some reason about 9 years ago I lost site of my inner athlete. She was fairly young - I had only learned I had an inner athlete about a year proir - so maybe that’s why she got drown out... but whatever however whenever... I’m starting to hear her again. I actually spoke out loud to someone outside my family the fact that I want to do tris again. While thinking about that I pulled up my old blog and was reading some of the things my inner athlete wrote... and thought damn! Where did that girl go!? And then while pulling out some fabric from my sewing closet I found these stuffed in the back. I had kind of forgotten I even had them! So I pulled them out and I’ve put them in my workout room. As a reminder that I AM an athlete no matter my size or shape! I did my first tri (lavaman) at 240 lbs. but it wasn’t the race or my weight that made me an athlete. It was the commitment and belief in myself that I was going to show up and do my best no matter what.

So, today I commit to being an athlete. To kicking ass and taking names. To let letting my weight or speed (or lack there of) discourage me. To doing triathlons again - anyone in NorCal want to do one with me? I’m aiming for a sprint next summer.

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24Judith Young Fender, Tracy Bainum and 22 others

Food wise things have been going well this week. Food has been on plan, even with some temptations. Monday I gave away a batch of chocolate chocolate-chip cookies rather then eat them. Yesterday I passed on having pizza, cheesy bread and lava cakes AND made a batch of lemon melt-away cookies without going off plan.... today, my weight is up 4 pounds *sigh*.

So I've been thinking about gratification, addiction, motivation and the like... As I said, I overcame my diet pepsi addiction and I was trying to take some lessons learned from that experience and apply it to my food issues. One of the issues I've come against is the ROI of dieting. ((I know this will be hard for some of the 'just do it' crowd to understand and I'm ok with that)) I quit pepsi and within about a week the fall out from my caffeine withdrawal was complete. I had learned of the mood enhancing effects of Phenylalanine and was taking steps to counter that which helped me avoid the terrible crash/irritability that had come with the other times I had quit. So, I was 'normal' and I was secure in the fact that as long as I didn't take my 'drug' again I could continue to be. Instantaneous cause and effect. Although I didn't quit to be 'free from a caffeine addiction' the result of being so has kept me off -- I'm very secure in the knowledge that I can't have just one...

Now, chocolate chip cookies are another story. I would actually be quitting them because I want a specific result. I want to lose weight and be healthier... but, the result isn't going to be here in a day, a week or even a year. In fact, who knows if it'll be here EVER. So, I've tried looking for other reasons... I've heard people say that eating sugar and junk makes them feel sick after they detox - nope, don't have that problem. I've tried monitoring my blood glucose hoping that if I stayed clean for a period of time I would see a change in my fasting numbers and get daily instant gratification that my numbers were getting lower or staying low. Nope - can't get a blood glucose meter to give me low numbers constantly and it doesn't seem to follow logically with what I eat. So any and every food change I make is only going to (maybe) long term results...

Even exercise is easier. Do I see a change in my body every day? Nope - but every time I go to the gym I'm able to lift a little bit more weight, or do one more rep. I run .1 mile or 1 second long and it feels like what I'm doing has a purpose. I can't 'diet' and say "Oh I did 2000 calories today, lets see if I can do 1800 today!" Or, I can't and do that and live - hah!

So,any ideas? (Not that anyone reads blogs anymore) The 'joy of compliance' isn't part of my DNA...I need a 'real' reason for being uncomfortable short term that sees results in the short term... is there any hope for me!?

Making Notes...

I have 33 weeks to train

I would like to be below 200 on race day (81lbs).  I know that's aggressive! it's totally reasonable by weight loss percentages... by the numbers it's about 2.5lbs a week.  That might be difficult so I'm selecting that as my 'moon shot' goal.  My min is to drop 41 lbs before then that's 1.2lbs a week.  I would be OK with that but not 'happy'. 

Training for the run is going to be @ 4.2 Miles per hour (approximately 14:30Min/Mile) - this would mean a finish speed of 1:30 for a 10K, but I know I need to train for a faster time then my goal cause running after the swim/bike is hard.

Training for the bike - looking to hit a consistent 13m/h again this is faster then I need to hit my goal time but I know i need to train faster because of the fatigue factor.

Swim... no swim goals not worried about that one

OMG - I talked to my husband and he said... Just DO IT!  so I did!

So, thinking out loud... what would I need to do in order to do a olympic length triathlon in 8 or so months?

1) lose weight (of course)
2) pull together a training plan
     2a) The swim part is no big deal I can swim .9 miles today
     2b) Biking means I need to get back out on my bike and work up to biking 20+ miles
     2c) Serious work is going to need to be done in order to run 10k I can't even do a 5k right now!

So, what's my goal? 

Here's my last race...

https://www.athlinks.com/event/167177/results/Event/86604/Course/123130/Bib/460

Well I wanted to do better than last time - that means sub 5 hours!  I could probably do that pretty easily just by cutting down my transition times (they were really bad!)  But I want to do better on the other legs too!  So, leg goals?

I would be happy with a 40 minute swim again - That's a pretty consistent/easy pace for me.  I can do that without doing much training.

For the bike - last time I did it in 2:10 I'm pretty sure I could do that in less than 2 hours.  I'm much more confident on my bike now then I was then, I have a better seat, I know not to get a blister on my foot! and I know how to wear my shoes to keep from having the numbness issues I was having on that race.  Plus I've done that distance sub 2 hours before, so I could totally do it again!

Running - I struggle with running and I don't see big improvements in that usually.  Last time I did the 10K in 1:46 so I'm going to conservative and do it in 1:40.

BTW my record for an Olympic Tri is 3:16 minutes -- I'm not going to try to beat that record (yet) but I do think I could do it in 4:20 I'm going to aim for being under 4:30 considering I'm coming from a 0 fitness level!  1/2 hour faster than last time!

One thing this is going to change... I'm going to be doing cardio first and weights second - and I may only be doing the 'big lifts' if I run out of time.  This will let me focus on my endurance while still letting me make (or maintain) gains on my major lifting groups (and may help my nagging injuries heal)

Just read through my race report from my last race and it brought tears to my eyes!

https://shawn-nawlb.blogspot.com/2009/04/race-report-lavaman-2009-race.html

I don’t know if this will happen yet so I’m trying not to get too excited but...

Last week at the rehearsal for my quartet we started taking about the sports we do/love. One of the girls is a swimmer (who has also done triathlons) and another does runs. Anyway we were taking about various events that we have done and I mentioned that my first ever triathlon was Lavaman in HI. Our Baritone mentioned that she had always wanted to do that race and 1/2 jokingly said we should sign up to do it together! I kind of laughed it off. But the idea stuck! So this week when we started talking about doing the mermaid race together (which I’m also going to sign up for) I brought up Lavaman to her again. And she loved the idea! AND our tenor who has never done a tri might be interested in joining us! So we’re tentatively talking about doing the LavaMan triathlon in 2019! Whoa! That is SO motivating to me on both a training and weight loss front. The last time I did Lavaman I was 40 lbs lighter then I am now! I want to go back lighter and Faster then I was back then! I want to beat my time!

Oh! And one other thing I was thinking about after yesterday’s ramble. When I gave up Pepsi I had just started a new vitamine regime called the ‘diet cure/mood cure’ which has some roots in addiction therapy. Soooo that could have been a big help in my dropping the Diet Pepsi (I just remembered that the day I ‘quit’ the reason I went all day without a soda was because I had gone shopping for vitamins). So today I’m going to lay out a bunch of supplements and get back in the groove there; as well as go to the gym and eat on plan! Easy! Hah! 

I've been trying to figure out how to beat this whole... can't stay on a diet thing.  I know from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet that if I picked a plan and stuck with it - I would see the progress I wanted.  I've seen it work in the past.  BUT 1) I've never reached my goal and 2) always gained the weight back.

There's a number of 'programs' out there designed to help you stick with it.  Many talk about finding your why.  They tell you to write down all the reason you REALLY want this goal and to use that to motivate you to make good/better choices.  To use all these reasons to keep you from choosing the cookie over a piece of celery.  It's not worked for me so far.  And, that's left me often feeling my why wasn't good enough. That I must not want it 'enough'.

But, recently I was thinking about how I quit drinking diet pepsi.  Because I was an ADDICT.  As in I drank around 4 liters a day - kind of addict.  As in I stole money out of my kids piggy bank to get a fix kind of addict. As in I quit multiple times and always started back again with "Oh just one won't hurt" and then soon I was back to four liters a day kind of addict. And I quit.  I haven't had a diet pepsi in...5 years (I think) and though I get cravings now and then, there is NO danger of me going back.  WHY!?

Did I have a 'big why'?  Nope!  In fact, it was more the case that everyone around me was always telling me I should quit.  The got on me all the time about the caffein and the artificial sweeteners and other chemicals and basically hassled me a lot.  But I didn't really see the need.  I was OK drinking it.  The only thing I wondered about was all the people who kept telling me that the soda was making me gain weight - and I WAS curious about that, but I didn't have a BIG why.  But, here's what happened.  I forgot to buy diet pepsi one time so I didn't have any in the house and I had a super busy morning.  About three in the afternoon rolled around and I realized I hadn't had any soda and there was none in the house, and I thought.  I wonder how long I can go...

Monday morning rolled around and out of habit when I got to work and grabbed a diet soda out of the fridge.  I looked at it for a while and then thought, hmmmm I wonder how long I can go.... so I let the can of soda sit on my desk... and sit on my desk... and sit on my desk and I never drank it.  That desk and that can of soda is long gone, and honestly, my addict days are so far from me now that I don't even remember what day I quit or how many days/months/years it's been.  Being soda free is just a thing I am.  Yes I still get cravings now and then.  REALLY strong cravings sometimes but all I have to do is remember what it was like to be addicted.  I just have to remember the fear I would have if there wasn't diet soda somewhere nearby.  How my life revolved around either packing/taking soda with me places or being near enough to buy one when I needed it.  and I don't miss it.  Not ONE LITTLE BIT!!!  and I know that all it will take is one.  Just one soda could spin me back into that lifestyle and I don't want it!

So, what does this have to do with weight loss? (Dropping diet soda did help me lose weight by the way - in fact I gained - a LOT)  Well, as I said before every program around seems to talk about your 'big why' and while I have LOTS of big whys I know they aren't working.  So, I'm trying to think of things (or even just one thing) that's more in line with the reasons I don't drink diet soda any more.  Something beyond "I want to look cute in clothes" or "I want to lower my blood sugar".  I need why's that are less about the 'result' and more about how the food addiction itself is hurting my life. Something that makes me say - I don't want this anymore and I NEVER WANT IT BACK IN MY LIFE AGAIN!  Kind of thing - and it's hard and I'm frustrated but I am not giving up!  I won't ever give up!