April 3rd Daily Stand up

 Yesterday

• Food Plan ✅
• Calories in: ~1928 🔴
• Calories out: 3182 ✅
• Workout
• Weights ✅
• Cardio (Bike) ✅
• 1500 Cals burned before noon ✅
• Macros (35/31/34) ✅
• Mindset ✅

I thought I was doing good yesterday.  Felt focused, motivated, strong....

But there was also, some stuff going on that I think I wasn't addressing: Stress at work, with money, and just some overall feeling MEH.

So, when I rolled into Trivia, ordered and beer and had it in my hand I immediately felt 'relief' knowing it was going to relax me.  That I could stop being 'good' and 'responsible' and stop my brain from feeling whatever it was feeling...

I fought a little with the urge to overdrink but the fight didn't last long.  I was only a few seconds before I said 'fuck it'

The thought - I was to feel 'better' 'relaxed' 'no stress'

^^ I need to do this without needing food and DRINK!

on top of this I got my food schedule messed up and didn't eat before headed to trivia AND didn't bring food with me, though I had intended to. So I was hungry.  The only thing there - Reese's.  At least they were mini cups - and I only had a few...

Then, when I got home w/alcohol in my system, I went for whatever sounded good.  So, not the stew I had planned.  instead, I had a protein shake over granola.  Not the worst choice, and for that, I'm grateful.  And I'm also grateful for the strong choices I made early in the day to get my workout in, and keep carbs low so that I had the room for carbs in my macros :D 

So, while it wasn't 'great' there were some big high points in the day.  If I can figure out how to calm my brain down without food and drink I think it's going to make a HUGE difference in my results long term. (and make it easier to maintain when that day comes)

I want to make good/better choices a habit not a battle. 

I want to make stopping at enough a habit not a battle.

I want to make exercise as easy to my brain as drinking water. 

I'll get there....

Today's goals

• Food Plan
• Calories in: ~1400
• Calories out: 3000+
• Workout
• Weights
• Cardio (Bike)
• 2000 Calories burned before 8PM
• Macros (30/30/30)
• Mindset: don't sit with stress - write it out - think it through - find relief!

April 2 Daily Standup

 Yesterday:

• Had a food plan ✅
• Calories in: 1440 ✅
• Calories Out: 3,110 ✅
• Workout
• Weights ✅
• Cardio (Walk/Run) ✅
• 1500 Cals burned ✅
• Macros (30/30/30) ✅
• 35/22/43* Protein high is OK!
• Mindset - GREAT! feel like I'm making great choices and keeping goals top of mind

Was great to be offered to Reese's and know I could fit it into my plan

Today:

• Food Plan
• Calories in: ~1400
• Calories out: 3000+
• Workout
• Weights
• Cardio (Bike)
• 1500 Cals burned
• Macros (30/30/30)
• Mindset: Keep in mind long term goals sometimes require short-term sacrifice 

Notes to Myself

 I've been really frustrated lately because I haven't had a lot of success with weight loss for the first 1/4th of the year.  I've been trying to remember what I was thinking, how I was feeling, and what I was doing those times that I was losing weight successfully.  Only, I keep looking back trying to find that info ... and I'm just NOT! 

I know it wasn't happening by MAGIC, but I can't seem to find any notes or any data to correlate what was going on at the time...

That stops today.  Time to get back to making a note of my choices so that if/when I have success, I know what I did to get there and can repeat it!  It's like the VERY BASIS of what I preach in my work life.  Why haven't I done this here?

What's going to follow is my capturing what I can of my current circumstances, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling and what I'm DOING ... and any and all results I'm getting.  (the model for those who are familiar)

So, it's April 2nd :D 

My weight is 270.35 down .11 pounds for the Week/Month/Quarter (which started yesterday)

and down 25.40 pounds since my highest weight in Dec 2018.  135.35 pounds to go to goal.

My focus this Month: Mindful (eating), Move (at least 30 min a day), Motivate (myself throughout the day), Macros (30/30/30)

Specifically this week: 

Mindful

Only eating if hungry and stopping before FULL

Planning my food ahead of time in the Lose it App (aiming for about 1400 calories but being MINDFUL of my hunger signals over calorie counts)

Move

Lifting weights 5days - back on the MAX-OT train... doing week 1 of the program today.  Though I'm modifying it to fit into my home gym

2 days of 30 minutes of biking

2 days of 30 minutes of treadmill

1 day of 'play' doing whatever I feel like (oculus) for 30 minutes

However... there's an overall goals for each session to...

hit 6,000 steps

hit 1500 calories burned

that usually means I need to spend some extra time on the treadmill just walking

and then... 30 minutes of OUTDOOR walking at the end of the day if the weather allows it

Motivate

Blog here daily

every day, read my motivational cards

post my workouts online

Macros

I've been thinking about when my life felt really balanced and I was still losing weight.  I keep coming back to balanced macros... I call it 30/30/30 because it's easy to remember - I realize that it doesn't add up to 100%! but the goal is to keep the ratios of macros to around 30% each.  so days it might be 20 and some days it might be 40 and that's ok.  but what's important is to not keep turning down a piece of bread because I'm 'dieting' and also to not eat an entire bag of easter candy because 'now I've blown it, may as well keep going!"

this worked REALLY well yesterday.  I tend to run low carb overall because... I don't know.. I don't think sugar is all that healthy, I don't love the way most bread feels in my body (if I eat a lot of it) and it's just the way a typical day goes for me.  I feel healthy and energized when I prioritize protein in my diet.  So, at the end of the day yesterday I was feeling a bit hungry (a pre-requisite) and someone offered up a reese's peanut butter Egg.  I looked over my data for the day and sure enough, there was more than enough room in my life for a peanut butter egg! So, 30/30/30 allows me to focus on foods that feel really good in my body, while also allowing to enjoy 'indugences' without it triggering fuck it thoughts.

so, what else am I thinking and feeling right now?

here's some thoughts

I love myself enough to want to lose weight.  

Stopping sooner on one thing means I can eat more of EVERYTHING!

Hungry food is the best food.

The process I choose is less important than the thoughts I have about it...

My current thoughts about what I've chosen...

This is how I get to my goal.  How I get to the future me that I want.  Strong, Lean, fit, athletic.. but balanced.  Someone is energetic, healthy and FUN! 

I want my body to transform, but not my life! I like my life. 

And that's me, today

 It's Monday Marth 4th and offically the first Monday of March.  

What better time to do some hard core planning :D I'm sick of feeling like I'm constantly half assing.  Stuck in underwhelm.  I feel like I'm practicing toxic self-acceptance.  There's a lack of urgency that's leading to continuous postponement.  I'm not moving forward with my goals, and I try to convince myself that 'it's ok,' we'll just 'be better' tomorrow... but tomorrow never comes.

Part of this involves the mind shift that 'working toward my goals' is fulfilling and meaningful.  Or, to put it more simply, "Enjoying the process'.  Maybe it's better to evaluate some of those times when I feel like I put my short term enjoyment over my long term goal.

1) Tuesday night, cheesecake and beer.  While I planned some cheesecake and beer, it went from 1 beer to 2 to 3 too.. maybe four? And a slice of cheesecake turned into two, and some bite, licks and taists of more throughout the night...

2) Giving into urges several times over the second half of the week.  Snacking on bread and sweets.

3) One large whiskey on Friday night, that turned into two...

4) Saturday - 2 slices of pizza and I was not hungry..anymore but instead I continued to eat and had four.  Then, I had candy on top of that and still was having urges.  Had two big cup candies on the way to karaoke, and then stopped for burrito and chips on the way home and THEN had a slice of bread when I got home.  I'm pretty sure all the extra food was caused by alcohol making my blood sugar tank. (plus staying up late/tired)

I'm not sure what to do with all these urges for sweets/carbs.  They hit when I'm not hungry, so I can't use that as an excuse.  There doesn't seem to be any kind of stress or negative thoughts associated... I just am having 'big urges' for stuff.  Maybe I'm tired? Maybe it's because I've been allowing soda back into my life?  I'm going to cut out the Diet Pepsi and see if this week is easier.

I guess the big, most important question to ask myself is, "What do I want to do differently this week?" 

White knuckling isn't the answer, and 'try harder' is also not a thing.  I want this to be easy.  I want to enjoy the process.  I want the 'hit' of the instant win.

So, here's what I've decided.

1) Plan.  I've really resited planning my food cause.. I don't know why.  but all too often I've found myself 'foraging' and often making quick, impulsive and unsatisfying food choices.  I want to work toward choices that feel good and reinforce my lifestyle.  What's important (and hard) is that I don't turn planning into DIETING.  often when I plan I plan all the 'good things' for weight loss and I struggle with a balance approach.  It's very much all or nothing.  I'm either planning good things or I'm not planning and indulging.  I want to PLAN for indulgences but do it mindfully.  Plan for GOOD things - plan for what matters.  I haven't figured out what that looks like yet, but hey, I don't have to have it all figured out do I?

2) Hydrate! anytime I have an urge, drink some water! I think my body really loves/wants water more than I imagine.

3) Reflect on my Wins - when I'm practicing self-reflection and journalling regularly - I succeed.  Now it could be that I'm just better at journalling when I'm being successful :D But I need to work back into daily reflection.  I think that happens naturally when I'm actually planning each day.  Doing a plan requires that I reflect on the day too.  For both of these things I'm going to put time for journaling and planning back on to my calendar and than honour my calendar.  I wish I had other ideas on how to 'celebrate' my small daily wins too.  adding that to my to-do list.

hmm three things to experiment with this week seems like enough...

ooo - I had a thought...

I love to play DnD so I'm going to make myself a random treasure table.  At the end of the day, when I'm reflecting on my day and cataloging my wins, I'm going to random a D20 and get something off the table.

:D winning!

 I just had a thought. Yes, I was listening to Corinne Crabtree at the time, but it had nothing to do with what she was talking about. It just kind of came out of the blue and popped into my head

I needed to gain this weight back.

Seriously, I was starting my last set of squats and my brain was doing it’s usual aimless wondering (one of the reason I love to work out) and suddenly it paused, looked at me and said ‘we needed to gain this weight’

I stopped and went ‘What!?’

And my brain nodded and said, “there were things we didn’t learn the first time so we needed to gain this weight so we could learn them…”

The sense of rightness…and peace that came over me! I can’t even tell you!

Not only does it make this work I’m doing seem even more valuable…But, now I know, if I ever gain weight again… it’s not because I’m a failure. It’s because there are things I still need to learn. And this was how I needed to learn them.

(For those who don’t know me - I joined in April 2019 and from then to March 2020 went from 295 to 237. I then started gaining and got up to April 2022 I was 283. I am now 249. I didn’t think I had been beating myself up about it. But after that thought I realized my inner drill Sergeant was still saying ‘you just didn’t do enough, try hard enough… blah blah blah’

But none of that is true! I just had lessons still to learn. We all do!))

 I’ve been more hungrier than usual this week (and judging myself for it) having bigger urges than normal (and judging myself for it) and not seeing the results I like (and…you get it)

Today, my Aunt Flo visited after being absent for three months. Seems like ‘the pause’ isn’t here yet.

And lesson learned. Sometimes it’s just my body going through some stuff and I need to give myself a little grace and trust.

 I did my assessment and set my weekly goal two days ago but today I’m going to make some changes (this is what it means to be agile)What I realized is my current goals were missing something … I had forgotten to check in with my vision. My weight loss vision is weight loss without all the diet bullshit. And I realized while assessing yesterday's day.. I've been using planning as a way to sneak that diet bullshit back into my life... (probably why I've resisted planning so much!)

So, when I started having urges ... and those urges felt like white knuckling... and when I gave into those urges and went off plan ... I used the 'off plan' part as a reason to tune out.. hurry up and eat... and piled an overeat on top of an off plan eat...

I also realized that another faulty 'diet thinking' habit I have. I have a tendency when I'm 'focused on weight loss' to see how much restriction I can 'tolerate' and still live my life... as in, I'm ok with leaving two bites behind, that didn't feel crummy so let's see if I can leave three...Just how hungry can I stand to be? and then I start having big urges for sugar and carbs (wonder why? I'm hungry - duh) I grab a candy bar and then go 'Oh - this isn't on plan! better eat it fast!' and mindless eating (see above)

So.. here's what I'm going to change... I'm not going to plan (*gasp*) rather than working on the habit of a doable plan AND the habit of listening to doable hunger I'm only going to work on hunger for ALL the rest of this week.

What does that mean for me? It means I eat whatever I'm hungry for... want a candy bar? fine - have a candy bar. But you're going to eat that fucker mindfully. You're going to slow down and actually have every bite. You are going to chew it, and not gulp it. you're going to acknowledge now much is left with each bite instead of looking down and being surprised that 'It's all gone already!? I need a second one! I didn't even enjoy that one!'

And - I'm going to EAT when I'm hungry and actually eat to enough... Stop playing this restriction game with myself. it's not about how little I can have and still have a life... it's how much I can enjoy and still get results!

Do you hear that dictator BRAIN!! the goal is abundance with results!!!

So, how does this look in action?

One - like I said.. no planning. I need to prove to my planning brain that I can do this 'eat anything' thing. (the caveat to that is my weekly dinner planning cause there is nothing that stressing me out at the end of the day more than no knowing 'what's for dinner?'.

two - Im going to continue to use my slow eats app. Even for formally 'bad' foods. If these truly are things I love I want to take the time to enjoy them. Not feel like I'm one of the dogs trying to gulp down a treat before anyone finds out I cleared the counter. I did this a few times last week when I had a cookie and it was actually a cool experience.

three - Make sure I'm truly eating to enough and not just 'not hungry' (eat to 2 instead of 0 to the OG members) since Slow Eats let's me track how many bites I'm taking - that might help me measure. I'm pretty confident that there's a pretty normal 'range' of bites but I need to be open to experiment with them and willing to listen even MORE than I have been.

four - eat when I'm hungry. small letter hungry not HUNGRY! as my kiddo and I like to say - listen for Kathy voice hunger not Corinne voice hunger. Maybe that means timed eating.. or even just a reminder to check in. (I think ADD brain makes me miss hunger cues a lot) - or, I'll acknowledge hunger and then forger I was going to eat... I'll need to get more specific on that moving forward...

anyone had success moving from only noticing you're hungry when you're HUNGRY? what worked for you?