Just a quick note to say that I made it through day two ON PLAN! Whoop!

I did my 20 minute cardio and was really happy with my stamina. I guess all those runs to catch the ferry have paid off. Dinner tonight was MOST EXCELLENT. With the meals I've been planning I don't even feel like I'm missing anything. I have tomorrow's meals all planned and my five, yes count them FIVE lunches are made and ready in the fridge. (I eat my first breakfast on the go at 6:15am while I'm driving to the Ferry and my Fifth meal on the ferry on the way home at 5:15PM – I work out as soon as I get home around 7:00PM and usually end up eating "Dinner" my final meal between 8:00 and 9:00PM)

So, I'm all ready to go!

Oh - and the meals for the day...

B - Lemon Pancakes (Made with cottage cheese - YUMMY!)
B2 - Homemade breakfast bar and string cheese
L - Leftover Whiskey chicken from last night w/ Brocolli
L2 - Meal Replacement Shake
PreDinner - Carrots/Celery and Peanut Butter
Dinner - Stir Fried Orange Beef w/Rice

One other positive note - I managed to keep my soda consumption down to 4 20oz bottles (Down from the 3-4 One Litre bottles) I drank about 64 oz of water - a BIG plus for me. Today I'm making myself drink a bottle of water between each bottle of soda.

Well, I did it. I went home and worked out! The best part is that I'm not as sore as I thought I would be. Of course it's early yet. I couldn't believe how creaky I felt while lifting. My elbows, wrists and shoulders all complained while I was working out and actually were giving me more trouble them my actual muscles. I took it a 'little' easy to make sure I didn't pull or strain anything, but still feel like I got an excellent workout - hit my 10's.

I also ate completely on plan. Planning my meals on the boat last night worked out perfectly, even if I did get a few odd looks from some of the other commuters. I have all my meals packed for the day, and I'm planning on going for a run tonight on the ol' treadmill. Believe it or not, I'm actually feeling a tiny little kurnel of something I've been long without...Hope.

Ahhh the fourth of July weekend. What did _I_ do? I sat inside with the computer and ate. Lovely isn't it? I didn't feel good all weekend, TToTM. Then we got hit with a major computer problem that made us think for at least 12 hours that we had lost all our data, including four years of pictures. In reality, I really don't think I ate a 'lot'. But I ate a lot of the wrong things.

So... Last night I took the time to plan and make my meals for the day. I packed a bag with some books, pens and a notepad so that I can journal during my hour long commute and I put my 'game face' on. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hate hating myself. It's time to walk with my head up and shoulders back. It's time to take care of me.

I've got a long way to go. 80 lbs as of today, but every journey starts with a step. It's just up to me to take them.

So, the steps I'm taking today are this:

Breakfast - I started my day with a guava and coconut protien shake. It wasn't too bad. I should have put a little splenda in it is all. I'm feeling pretty good after eating it. I'm full - that's for sure.

2nd Breakfast - Banana dipped in chocolate protine powder

Lunch - Leftover hamburger patty from dinner & Salad

Afternoon Snack - Meal Replacement Shake

Dinner - TBD I brought cookbooks with me to work so I can pick something out either at lunch or on my way home.

Dessert - SAA

For excercise: I am GOING to go home and hit the weights. Yesterday I went out and looked at my weight bench - it's covered in cobwebs! This completely unacceptable. So, tonight it's an upper body workout.

Chest: Barbell Bench Press/Dumbell Flye
Back: Lat Pulldowns/Cable Rows
Shoulders: Doumbell Press/Upright Cable Rows
Biceops: Concentration Curls/Barbell Curls
Triceps: Triceps Pushdowns/Cable Extensions

Then - 10 'girl' pushups

Other then that. I plan to drink some water to get the fluids back in balance (my hands are SO swollen) and just do everything I can to keep my head in the game.

One little step at a time.

This week hasn't been so bad...

I've been eating a lot of greans (salad every day for lunch), trying to keep my portions in control and eliminate the snacking. of all those things I would say I was a success. I'm still feeling crappy physically. My clothes don't fit, I'm tired and just generally unhealthy feeling. I'm willing to give myself some time to get over that.

Mentally I'm struggling. I hate where I'm at, but at the same time finding myself having to really 'work' to be strong. I'm arguing with myself about food and having to fight myself to not negotiate 'comprimise'. I know I'm not feeling strong. One of the first cues is that I'm finding myself attracted to every ad I see for weight loss programs and even 'quick fixes'. Even though I know they don't work I still have to fight myself not to spend MORE money looking for that magic bullet.

There is no magic bullet.

well, the first week was rather rough. A night out drinking, a night out with the future in-laws, and a wedding weekend later (Not mine) and I weighed in at 209 on monday.

I guess the good news was that I did all that and didn't gain anything.

This week has gotten off to a much better start though. Having my future father-in-law ask my fiance if I've been gaining weight, and having NOTHING in my closet that fit that I could wear to the wedding were real eye openers. Not that I really needed my eyes open, but they were a blow.

Yesterday I made a plan and stuck to it. Of course, I started dropping water weight right away wich was a relief. (207.5 this morning) YAY!

I'm not doing anything too complex right now. Just following a few simple rules:

only one MRB per day
at least one meal of 'just salad' per day
1/2 the bread products at other meals
No: Candy, cupcakes, ice cream, cookies or other 'sweets' that I consitantly overindulge in

Next week I'll add a few more requirments - maybe two salads per day and at least one fruit salad? I'll deside over the weekend.

The other good news is that I still only need to lose 1.5 lbs a week to reach my goal of 130 by June 19th 2006.

I entered today's weight into my fitday program, and if I could continue to lose 1.5 lbs a day... (I know unrealistic, but funny to think about) in four weeks I would be 166 lbs. If only it worked that way.

Oh well.

Mentally I'me feeling pretty good. I still hate what I see in the mirror, but I'm trying to keep a postive attitude anyway. I had a great conversation with my fiance about the whole, weight/diet thing. He's so incredably supportive and loving. He wants so badly to help, but doesn't know what to do sometimes. He said I'm 'stuborn'. He's right of course. The more someone tells me I 'have' to do something the more I fight it. He also was really open about his feelings. How he's afraid I'll become ill because of my weight and he'll be left alone. Those are feelings I can totally understand. He deserves to not have those kinds of fears.

It's time to put my health and wellbeing first.

Just when I thought things were on a roll, life hit me square between the eyes. I lost the contract with my client, got sent back to our main office, got an offer for a new position (for less pay) accepted, and have been going 110mph ever since. Needless to say I let things slip a little. I had excuses after all: I was now having to be in the car by 5:45 and wan't getting home until 6:45. By the time I get home I'm exhausted, I certainly can't be using up all my energy by working out! Not to mention the lack of time... home by 6:45 (when I'm lucky) and in bed by 10:00 (when I'm lucky) barely gives me time to have some dinner, and sit down for a few minute with my sweetheart much less plan and make my meals for the next day! And the stress... everyone knows you can't deal with stress without an extra piece of chocolate or two - or three - or twelve.

So, here it is mid-June and I'm back to where I started the year at - 209lbs. I can't tell you how misserable this feels. I hate looking at myself. I hate my clothes. I hate my body. I'm turning into one of those women who don't want to make love with the lights on. I find myself hunching over and hoping not to be noticed when I walk down the street or into a resteraunt or club. This is NOT me! I want my pride back!

I started today. All those same excuses are still there, but they are just excuses. If I want this, I'll make it happen. I have two hours every day when I'm sitting on a boat with nothing to do. There is no reason that I can't use that time to put my life in some sort of order. This is where I start.

My goal is to be 130 within a year. That means I need to lose 1.5lbs a week. I can do that. For a diet - well I still have those time constraints, and a REALLY limited budget, so for the next four weeks I'm going to simply monitor my calories. I've set some goals, and I've set up a schedule for cycling. I'll be eating six meals a day, so I've also set a per-meal calorie limit. Now it's just a matter of simple budgeting. If I run out of time and need to grab something from the store to eat, I can do that. If I 'need' a piece of chocolate - I can do that. I'll give this four weeks to do it's job, and in four weeks, I'll give the entire thing a head check and deside what the next step is.

Excercise is quite another thing. One thing I can say for certain, Saturday and Sunday are going to have to be utilized. I'm still working out the schedule in my head. there is the side of me that realizes that SOME excercise is better then nothing,and that if I would just get out and walk, it could make a huge difference. But there is the other side of me that realizes that it's going to take a little more work then that to see the results _I_ want. Not just weight loss, but a tone and fit body that I'm proud to wear around. soooo... I'll have to record whatever I come up with - when I come up with it. For now, walks on my lunch are in the cards, and some sort of 'heavier' workout on Saturdays and Sundays.

So, the plan today is 1700 calories - six meals.
One 'big' bottle of water.
1 mile walk at lunch

For tomorrow, I'm going to brings a smaller water bottle and start my 'drink one of these before every trip to the bathroom' rule. If I don't remember to bring one - I'll buy one.

And so - I start this journey again...