Apparently there's a new 'thing out there to post your picture to your blog on Tuesdays. so I'm jumping on the bandwagon. And, since I'm taking pictures every day and I'm going to start adding them to my blog - along with some tidbits on how things are going :) Regular check ins are now the 'thing' :)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
I'm not dead yet
I wish I could delete this blog and pretend it never happened. Rather then be an inspiration it's a big ugly painting of the failure that is me - not just once but at least twice.
It makes it hard to start again. Hard not to look over the years, months of glowing "I've got it this time!" Only to know, I did 'got' it.
I fell, and I fell hard. I haven't stopped trying, but it's gotten harder and harder to continue to try. And it seems each attempted is shorter then the last.
I feel broken. What is wrong with me that I can come so close to ultimate success and then throw it away - repeatedly.
So, what's next for me? to keep trying... The very definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and expect different results. And yet, I do. Maybe I am insane - I certainly feel that way sometimes. I have no magic pill. No secret new plan or formula this time. I have no new kernal of hope that I'm clinging to with the knowledge that this 'thing' is what's different.
I've got nothing and it makes it really hard to even think about starting. But I have to start and I have to try and I have to keep trying because I refuse to believe that THIS is the best I can do. That this is the body and the life that I have to settle for.
I'm rambling, I know. I'm trying to put words to something that maybe isn't describle.
You don't have to read my blog - you don't have to believe that one day I'm going to beat this. You don't have to comment or cheer me on - although I appreciate those things when you do. But I need this place. I need to journal and to record the good the bad and the ugly. I need to be successful and document that - and I need to be unsuccessful and be able to vent about that as well.
So, if you are here and reading this, thank you. If you are looking for perfection: go away. If you are looking for inspiration: that might happen here, but don't blame me if you don't find it. I want to inspire but don't promise it. If you want real, honest, raw; sometimes funny, sometimes insiteful then stick around.
I missed you my blog! (and my blogger friends too).
It makes it hard to start again. Hard not to look over the years, months of glowing "I've got it this time!" Only to know, I did 'got' it.
I fell, and I fell hard. I haven't stopped trying, but it's gotten harder and harder to continue to try. And it seems each attempted is shorter then the last.
I feel broken. What is wrong with me that I can come so close to ultimate success and then throw it away - repeatedly.
So, what's next for me? to keep trying... The very definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and expect different results. And yet, I do. Maybe I am insane - I certainly feel that way sometimes. I have no magic pill. No secret new plan or formula this time. I have no new kernal of hope that I'm clinging to with the knowledge that this 'thing' is what's different.
I've got nothing and it makes it really hard to even think about starting. But I have to start and I have to try and I have to keep trying because I refuse to believe that THIS is the best I can do. That this is the body and the life that I have to settle for.
I'm rambling, I know. I'm trying to put words to something that maybe isn't describle.
You don't have to read my blog - you don't have to believe that one day I'm going to beat this. You don't have to comment or cheer me on - although I appreciate those things when you do. But I need this place. I need to journal and to record the good the bad and the ugly. I need to be successful and document that - and I need to be unsuccessful and be able to vent about that as well.
So, if you are here and reading this, thank you. If you are looking for perfection: go away. If you are looking for inspiration: that might happen here, but don't blame me if you don't find it. I want to inspire but don't promise it. If you want real, honest, raw; sometimes funny, sometimes insiteful then stick around.
I missed you my blog! (and my blogger friends too).
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
BDS - Day 3 Sit Down to Eat
Yay! -finally caught up
Now I need to figure out how this works on a daily basis.
Step 1 - read the day.
Step 2 - list the to-do's
Step 3 - execute
So, today I'm reading at 2:37 in the afternoon. I think that I'll give myself 24 hours to complete my to-do's (hopefully get them done sooner). I'll list my to-do list here and then follow-up with a new post with any nessesary comments or anything that's still outstanding and why :)
And onto today's excercise:
To do:
Now I need to figure out how this works on a daily basis.
Step 1 - read the day.
Step 2 - list the to-do's
Step 3 - execute
So, today I'm reading at 2:37 in the afternoon. I think that I'll give myself 24 hours to complete my to-do's (hopefully get them done sooner). I'll list my to-do list here and then follow-up with a new post with any nessesary comments or anything that's still outstanding and why :)
And onto today's excercise:
To do:
BDS - Day 2 Commit to a Diet Plan
yeah - I'm doing a few days in a row here. I want to get and KEEP on a schedule where the days match :)
so this is about the diet plan and making it concrete.
My Primary Diet: The SAMBODDY diet (details to follow)
My Backup Diet: Body For Life
Planned Modifications?
After 7 days on plan I will have one planned splurge meal
After 30 days on plan I will have one planned splurge day
Todo:
Read my reasons List (Done)
so this is about the diet plan and making it concrete.
My Primary Diet: The SAMBODDY diet (details to follow)
My Backup Diet: Body For Life
Planned Modifications?
After 7 days on plan I will have one planned splurge meal
After 30 days on plan I will have one planned splurge day
Todo:
Read my reasons List (Done)
BDS - Day One
So today's exercises is about keeping my 'Reasons' in front of my face.
My main problem is - where I feel like this would do the most good. Is places where I really don't want something like this posted: the fridge at home (what if company comes over), at my desk (I share an office with three guys) - so what do I do?
Hmm, well first I'm going to create a soft copy and save it in Word - that way I can easily print it out and I can do things like save it on my phone etc.
That's done, and I've set it to synchronise with my phone so I can have a copy wherever I go.
I've also hand written a list to keep in my wallet - there's just something more personal about a list in your own writing.
so, now WHEN to read it.
1 - put a list up on the mirror so I can read it when I do my hair in the morning
2 - put a list in the folder with my program and meal plan so I can read it while eating breakfast, cooking dinner and fixing my lunch.
3 - put a list in a reminder so that at least once a day it pops up on my computer and/or handheld.
Today's to-do:
Read my list of reasons to lose weight at least once today (DONE)
My main problem is - where I feel like this would do the most good. Is places where I really don't want something like this posted: the fridge at home (what if company comes over), at my desk (I share an office with three guys) - so what do I do?
Hmm, well first I'm going to create a soft copy and save it in Word - that way I can easily print it out and I can do things like save it on my phone etc.
That's done, and I've set it to synchronise with my phone so I can have a copy wherever I go.
I've also hand written a list to keep in my wallet - there's just something more personal about a list in your own writing.
so, now WHEN to read it.
1 - put a list up on the mirror so I can read it when I do my hair in the morning
2 - put a list in the folder with my program and meal plan so I can read it while eating breakfast, cooking dinner and fixing my lunch.
3 - put a list in a reminder so that at least once a day it pops up on my computer and/or handheld.
Today's to-do:
Read my list of reasons to lose weight at least once today (DONE)
BDS - Motivation "Reasons I Want to Lose Weight"
BDS isn't the only diet that's had me do this. I do think it's a good idea. The trouble is remembering to go back to this list and review to keep these "Reasons I Want to Lose Weight" in front of me
I'll look better and more attractive
I'll have more confidence
I'll be able to wear a smaller size
I'll fit into more fashionable clothing
I'll be able to buy fancy new underwear
I'll feel happier when I look in the mirror
I'll enjoy trying on clothes
I'll better in a bathing suit
I won't feel so self-conscious
I'll get more compliments
My blood pressure will go down
I'll be at less risk to develop type 2 diabetes
I'll feel better physically
I'll have more stamina
I'll have more energy
I'll make a better impression on people
I'll be less inhibited about my body
I'll enjoy physical intimacy more
I'll like myself better
I'll feel as if I've accomplished something important
I'll be less self-critical
I'll feel in control
I'll be an inspiration to others
I won't look like my mother and my grandmother as I age
"N" won't think we don't 'fit' together
Dad will be proud
I'll be more flexible without the fat in the way
I'll show my daughter that she's capable of doing this too
I'll feel sexy again!
I'll be able to dance with the burlesque shows.
I'll look better and more attractive
I'll have more confidence
I'll be able to wear a smaller size
I'll fit into more fashionable clothing
I'll be able to buy fancy new underwear
I'll feel happier when I look in the mirror
I'll enjoy trying on clothes
I'll better in a bathing suit
I won't feel so self-conscious
I'll get more compliments
My blood pressure will go down
I'll be at less risk to develop type 2 diabetes
I'll feel better physically
I'll have more stamina
I'll have more energy
I'll make a better impression on people
I'll be less inhibited about my body
I'll enjoy physical intimacy more
I'll like myself better
I'll feel as if I've accomplished something important
I'll be less self-critical
I'll feel in control
I'll be an inspiration to others
I won't look like my mother and my grandmother as I age
"N" won't think we don't 'fit' together
Dad will be proud
I'll be more flexible without the fat in the way
I'll show my daughter that she's capable of doing this too
I'll feel sexy again!
I'll be able to dance with the burlesque shows.
BDS - Questionnaire
I thought putting some of this questionnaire up here might help others who are like me. It'll let you know that the person who's doing this is real, with real food issues just like everyone else.
Q. How many times have you tried to lose weight?
A. almost too many to count. I tried once
Teenage Years: the 900 calorie a day diet. the dieters tea diet, the bouillon for lunch every day diet, diet watchers (a book I got from my aunt)
Adult: Weight Watchers, Weight down workshop, ediets, diets-2-go, Body for Life, Leanness Lifestyle, Stop the Insanity, Opra's Trainer's diet, Carb addicts, Atkins... I'm sure there's more
Q. How many times have you lost weight but gained some or all of it back?
A. At least four times in my Adult life I've gotten near or below 175 and then gained it back. Weight Watchers, eDiets (after a year of maintaining 185 after running though the Weigh Down - I dropped 10 on eDiets - then shot back up over 200), BFL, and most recently Leanness Lifestyle.
Q. How satisfied are you with your current weight
A. Not at all
Q. How willing are you to change your eating and exercises habits?
A. A moderate amount. (In reality I love food and wish I could lose weight without having to change anything. And I'm a bonafide couch potato and would much rather be curled up with a book then at the gym.
Q. How willing are you to tell relevant people you're changing the way you eat?
A. A little (I've tried and failed so many times that I hesitate to shout once again - HEY I'M ON A DIET!)
Q. How willing are you to put in the time needed to exercises, shop for foods listed on your diet plan, and prepare healthy foods?
A. A moderate amount (see above).
Q. How often do you eat standing up?
A. Sometimes
Q. How often do you eat quickly?
A. Often (one of my worse habits)
Q. How often do you forget to notice every bite you're eating?
A. Often (see above)
Q. How often do you feel a sense of unfairness that you're not supposed to eat what or as much as others are eating?
A. Often (Again, I'm a foodie and love to eat, and watching someone else eat something I 'can't' have seems like a terrible trial)
Q. How often do you get discouraged when you're dieting
A. Often (thus my string of 'failures')
Q How often do you feel deprived?
A. Sometimes (that's because I have a habit of giving up as soon as I start to feel deprived).
Q. How often do you feel that dieting is just too hard?
A. Often (whaaa poor me :P)
Q. How often do you feel like dieting just isn't worth it?
A. Sometimes (such a instant gratification kind of person - why have the 1lb loss tomorrow when I can enjoy the cake today?)
Q. How often do you try to avoid feeling hunger or cravings (by eating past the point of just mild fullness or by eating snacks you hadn't planned o consuming)?
A. Sometimes (More cravings then hunger)
Q. How often do you think, I really need to eat something now?
A. Sometimes
Q. How often are you unsure if you're really hungry or not?
A. Never (I got a handle on this particular item years ago - one of the few things I have figured out. If I'm eating something because I crave it - or because I'm trying to stuff an emotion, I know it)
How often do you eat more then you should when...
Q. You're feeling down, nervous, lonely, frustrated, or annoyed
A. Often (Such an emotional eater).
Q. You're bored
A. Often
Q. You're trying to avoid or postpone doing something you know you should do.
A. Often
Q. You're tired
A. Often
Q. You're not feeling well physically
A. Often
Q. You're very hungry or experiencing cravings.
A. Often
When you see food you know you really shouldn't eat, how often do you think, it's ok to eat this food because...
Q. It's not a whole piece.
A. Sometimes (If I'm justifying eating something - I'll find a way to justify the whole piece)
Q. It's not that fattening
A. Sometimes (Ditto)
Q. I'll make up for it later
A. Often
Q. I can start again tomorrow
A. Often (or next monday - thus giving me days to binge - last supper-like)
Q. It won't matter this one time
A. Often
Q. It will go to waste
A. Rarely (hey at least that's one hang-up I don't have).
Q. No one is watching
A. Rarely (I usually don't care who's watching - though lately I've taken to sneaking my food behind my husband's back).
Q I already paid for it
A. Rarely
Q. I don't care
A. Often (yep - let's just flip the 'caring' switch off for a while)
Q. I really want it.
A. Often (spoiled little kid - aren't i?)
Q. I deserve a treat
A. Often (again - immature?)
Q. I'm celebrating
A. Often (oh the reasons to celebrate can be many!).
Q I have no willpower
A. Often
Q. I already cheated
A. Often
When you see food you know you really shouldn't eat, how often do you think, it's ok to eat this food because...
Q. People will think I'm strange [if I eat differently from them]
A. Rarely (I'm not into peer pressure. and I know that 99% of the time people aren't paying a whit of attention to what's on my plate - they are too involved in their own. the only time I feel weird is if everyone else is eating and I'm not. I have a hard time going to a restaurant and not ordering something.)
Q. If I don't eat it, I'll displease someone
A. Rarely
Q. Someone told me not to
A. Rarely (although this has been happening more often of late :)
Q. Everyone else is eating it
A. Rarely
Q. How many times have you tried to lose weight?
A. almost too many to count. I tried once
Teenage Years: the 900 calorie a day diet. the dieters tea diet, the bouillon for lunch every day diet, diet watchers (a book I got from my aunt)
Adult: Weight Watchers, Weight down workshop, ediets, diets-2-go, Body for Life, Leanness Lifestyle, Stop the Insanity, Opra's Trainer's diet, Carb addicts, Atkins... I'm sure there's more
Q. How many times have you lost weight but gained some or all of it back?
A. At least four times in my Adult life I've gotten near or below 175 and then gained it back. Weight Watchers, eDiets (after a year of maintaining 185 after running though the Weigh Down - I dropped 10 on eDiets - then shot back up over 200), BFL, and most recently Leanness Lifestyle.
Q. How satisfied are you with your current weight
A. Not at all
Q. How willing are you to change your eating and exercises habits?
A. A moderate amount. (In reality I love food and wish I could lose weight without having to change anything. And I'm a bonafide couch potato and would much rather be curled up with a book then at the gym.
Q. How willing are you to tell relevant people you're changing the way you eat?
A. A little (I've tried and failed so many times that I hesitate to shout once again - HEY I'M ON A DIET!)
Q. How willing are you to put in the time needed to exercises, shop for foods listed on your diet plan, and prepare healthy foods?
A. A moderate amount (see above).
Q. How often do you eat standing up?
A. Sometimes
Q. How often do you eat quickly?
A. Often (one of my worse habits)
Q. How often do you forget to notice every bite you're eating?
A. Often (see above)
Q. How often do you feel a sense of unfairness that you're not supposed to eat what or as much as others are eating?
A. Often (Again, I'm a foodie and love to eat, and watching someone else eat something I 'can't' have seems like a terrible trial)
Q. How often do you get discouraged when you're dieting
A. Often (thus my string of 'failures')
Q How often do you feel deprived?
A. Sometimes (that's because I have a habit of giving up as soon as I start to feel deprived).
Q. How often do you feel that dieting is just too hard?
A. Often (whaaa poor me :P)
Q. How often do you feel like dieting just isn't worth it?
A. Sometimes (such a instant gratification kind of person - why have the 1lb loss tomorrow when I can enjoy the cake today?)
Q. How often do you try to avoid feeling hunger or cravings (by eating past the point of just mild fullness or by eating snacks you hadn't planned o consuming)?
A. Sometimes (More cravings then hunger)
Q. How often do you think, I really need to eat something now?
A. Sometimes
Q. How often are you unsure if you're really hungry or not?
A. Never (I got a handle on this particular item years ago - one of the few things I have figured out. If I'm eating something because I crave it - or because I'm trying to stuff an emotion, I know it)
How often do you eat more then you should when...
Q. You're feeling down, nervous, lonely, frustrated, or annoyed
A. Often (Such an emotional eater).
Q. You're bored
A. Often
Q. You're trying to avoid or postpone doing something you know you should do.
A. Often
Q. You're tired
A. Often
Q. You're not feeling well physically
A. Often
Q. You're very hungry or experiencing cravings.
A. Often
When you see food you know you really shouldn't eat, how often do you think, it's ok to eat this food because...
Q. It's not a whole piece.
A. Sometimes (If I'm justifying eating something - I'll find a way to justify the whole piece)
Q. It's not that fattening
A. Sometimes (Ditto)
Q. I'll make up for it later
A. Often
Q. I can start again tomorrow
A. Often (or next monday - thus giving me days to binge - last supper-like)
Q. It won't matter this one time
A. Often
Q. It will go to waste
A. Rarely (hey at least that's one hang-up I don't have).
Q. No one is watching
A. Rarely (I usually don't care who's watching - though lately I've taken to sneaking my food behind my husband's back).
Q I already paid for it
A. Rarely
Q. I don't care
A. Often (yep - let's just flip the 'caring' switch off for a while)
Q. I really want it.
A. Often (spoiled little kid - aren't i?)
Q. I deserve a treat
A. Often (again - immature?)
Q. I'm celebrating
A. Often (oh the reasons to celebrate can be many!).
Q I have no willpower
A. Often
Q. I already cheated
A. Often
When you see food you know you really shouldn't eat, how often do you think, it's ok to eat this food because...
Q. People will think I'm strange [if I eat differently from them]
A. Rarely (I'm not into peer pressure. and I know that 99% of the time people aren't paying a whit of attention to what's on my plate - they are too involved in their own. the only time I feel weird is if everyone else is eating and I'm not. I have a hard time going to a restaurant and not ordering something.)
Q. If I don't eat it, I'll displease someone
A. Rarely
Q. Someone told me not to
A. Rarely (although this has been happening more often of late :)
Q. Everyone else is eating it
A. Rarely
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