thanks you guys for hanging with me.

I'm in a really bad place right now. Mentally, Physically - you name it.

The good news is I got an appointment with the Dr today at 11:40.

AND I got up at 4:00AM and made it to the gym.

Last week though...

By the time I got home Tuesday night I ached from head to toe. Most notably in my right hip and my lower back. Everything had tightened up and I was having trouble moving, sleeping - everything.

Needless to say I didn't make it to the gym Wednesday morning - BUT I went out and did some cardio Wednesday night.

That seemed to REALLY do me in and I was dragging Thursday and Friday. Friday night I went out with my sweetie but was so tired and cranky that it ended up not being much fun at all. Ended up home and in bed by 11:00.

Saturday I was up by 6:30 so that I could pick up my kids at 8:00. We had a great day planned at WonderCon. We arrived at about 9:30 and walked and shuffled and walked and shuffled and browsed. It was so much fun but at about 1:00 I was sooooo tired! I was barely putting one foot in front of the other. I did a lot of sitting after that and let everyone else walk around. We finally made it home at about 5:00 and I immediatly settled into an easy chair. The fiance had better plans for me and literally carried me into the bedroom, undressed me and tucked me into bed. I slept until 8:00 the next day!

Sunday I spent as much of the day curled up on the couch as I could. I was fine as long as I was sitting still but as soon as I got up to do anything - exhaustion hit.

And then of course - my lack of progress on top of everything else has been wearing on my brain. I'm at that really horrible place right now where I start thinking about stupid things like having nothing but protien shakes - or just spinach all day.

Luckily I don't have the will power to pull something like that off.

As I said earlier, I did make it to the gym today. We did back..

Close Grip Lat Pull down: 125 x 5 / 125 x 5
Bent Rows (+ bar): 50 x 6 / 50 x 6
Pullups: 150 x 10 / 140 x 6 / 140 x 5 & 150 x 5
Back Extensions: 25 x 15 / 0 x 15

Then we stretched a BUNCH and hit the showers.

I should be a lot happier about getting to the gym then I am. Instead I'm tired a little sore, have a headache and a sore throat. I feel like a complete BLIMP and a loser. I want so badly to just say "Eff" it and give up. At least if I'm not trying I have a reason for nothing happening. Being fat - Hey I'm good at that! Unfortunatly at the moment - that little voice of self doubt that I have is not whispering but is SCREEMING 'YOU'LL NEVER BE THIN!!!'

No, I'm not giving in. Not to any of it - but fighting isn't easy. I'm tired, cranky and all around BAD company at the moment.

Maybe after talking to the Dr I'll find my pace again. I'm beyond expecting a miracle.

One thing that keeps haunting me though...

I know that there are women out there who have won the fight against obisity. But it seems to me that those who did it... got it on the first try. but the women like me. The women who have done a dozen diets and keep finding themselves in the same place time and time again... we never find the answer. I have this horrible thought that each time I 'fail' that my chances of ever getting to that final 'success' are slimmer and slimmer.

Personally I know the answer isn't a new diet. I've figured out that much at least. It's figuring out ME that's going to do it. Figuring out what about ME has to change to make not only the success happen, but STICK long term.

Alright - enough of this pitty party. I may not be able to talk the talk - but I'll keep on walking the walk - there's nothing else I can do.