Yes - I'm updating AGAIN

Let me get the mudane stuff out of the way first:

Yesterday's weigh-in 179
Today: 178

(dropping water weight from weekend crap food)

Yesterday's Stats...
Water: 4.5L
Diet Pepsi: 0L
Minutes Excercised: 70
Minutes Remaining: 600 (I better get on the stick)
Macro Ratio: 46%/43%/14%

Workout last night was solid

Seated Dumbbell Press (shoulders): 35 x 6 x 3
Barbell Press (plus bar): 60 x 6 x 3
Lat Raises: 20 x 6 x 3
Wrist Curls: 35 x 6 x 3

Alrighty then - so that's what's going on physically - let's talk about what's going on mentally :) I can honestly say I have 'tunnel vision' again. I really don't know what happened over the weekend but something flipped a switch in my head and I was 'ready' again.

But - I voiced my concerns to my coach. As I've said before this is not the first time I've hit a stall at almost this same exact weight. When I look honestly at what I was doing I could have lost about three more pounds before leaving on vacation. And the past two weeks were an obvious face plant. Why is that? He gave me some possable reasons to think over...

1. Sexual abuse - fear of men if more attractive

2. Fear of NOT being attracted to spouse if more attractive

3. Fear of having to finally grown personally/professionall by NOT having weight as the constant excuse not to grow.

4. Fear of the b.s. mindset of "I'll never get to have good food again." OR "I'll never get to have my favorite treats again if I keep losing" etc.

5. Fear and mindset of I DON'T DESERVE IT

Any of the above ring true? They are the top 5.

At first I dismissed all these -

1. I've never had problems attracting men at ANY wieght. I'm sure of myself, and my atractivness even at 200+ AND I'm confident that internally I'm an atractive person and that transends the weight factor. So lets just say that I don't suddenly 'start' getting noticed by men when I hit 180

2. I got over the whole 'what if I'm not attractive when I'm thin' thing a long time ago. It was an easy issue to settle - if I don't like the way I look thin, I can always go back again ;) As for my spouse he somehow manages to make me feel loved at any weight. As I get thinner he's my biggest supporter without ever making me feel as if I was 'unattractive' before.

3. Just like number one - I don't judge myself 'inferior' before of my weight so I assume others don't either. I've never felt my weight impacted my career or the way people judge my performace - so why would me being thin affect that?

4. The BS mindset was an issue for me a few months ago. At a 'low' moment I started the whole 'whinning' thing "dieting sucks" "I hate all this food' blah blah blah but I worked through that as well - throwing out the few things that seemed a 'chore' to eat and making sure my meals were full of foods I liked while still fitting into my plan. AND eating healthy is a big deal for me - weight loss or no.

5. Of COURSE I DESERVE it... I'm a decent person. good things are allowed to happen to me...even weight loss.

So, I was stumped...

Last night while I was swimming I started mulling over this in my head... why? why? why? I thought back to the last time this happened and tried to disect it. I started asking myself questions

Why did you gain the weight back?

Well - I was on a roll, then I stopped making the right choices. First it only stalled my weight loss but eventually I gained the weight back.

Why did you stop making the right choices?

I guess the pain of losing became greater then the pleasure of being thin.

Why is that?

There's a lot of reasons I suppose:

I've been 180 before so it's easy to focus on that as a goal - I know how it feels, but I've never been BELOW 180 so it's hard to convince myself that it's going to feel even better. In fact if I think about the last time I remember being 160 all my thoughts are rather negative. I hated the way I looked I felt fat and ugly. The same goes for every weight below that... even 125.

Then why do you want to be 130?

...

And there I get a little stuck :)

But I asked myself another question... Do you believe you are capable of getting to 130?

My first response was "YES!" but then I heard a quite little voice say "I guess"

huh? you mean there's someone else in my head besides me and myself.. oh yeah that "I" guy.

As soon as I spotted him hiding in the darkI pulled him into the conversation. He's kind of like "Gollum" he's withered, ugly and doesn't like the light but when I turned my attention to him he started to throw his barbs.

"Are you kidding? You're not capable of being thin! Remember, you're a 'big' girl. You're too broad shouldered, big boned - lose all the fat you want you'll still just be a big clumsy oaf!"

But! Look at Monica Brandt - She's lovely...I could have a body like that.

"Ha - she's also got a model's face and long beautiful hair - you don't, don't even begin to THINK you'll look like her when you're done!"

But... Maggie Diubaldo has short hair and a strong jaw and a rocking body...

"She's also 5'10" - you're only 5'5" with short legs and big thighs....Forget it - your goals are goals at all they are unatainable daydreams. You'll fail."

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You know once that guy starts he's rather hard to shut up. But it's obvious I've spent WAY too many years listening to him. How do I know? Because when I embark on something that seems like it'll fail - I stop trying. Why? to protect myself - afterall I can't REALLY fail if I don't try... right? right?

After listening to the Gollum spill his vile I had flashes of other things in my life he's talked me out of Like Ballet:

When I was a child I spent years in Ballet Class. I loved it! I had grace, rythem and a hunger for perfectionism. My mother (who doesn't comilment often) told me that at once recital she had another mother point me out of the crowd of dancers and compliment my style without knowing who's daughter I was. When I went on stage I didn't just dance, I WAS a dancer. Then came the day when 'school photos' came in. I opened them eagerly knowing what the picture in my mind was when we had them taken. But - instead of a picture of swanlike grace I saw...me - My carriage was perfect, head heald high, arms and legs in perfect symitry... but my hair was stringy and half falling out of my lopsided bun. My legs were short stumpy and thick and my child's body looked sausagelike in the blue satine of my tu-tu. Gollum threw it all in my face and I never went back to ballet class again.

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I tried to nullify Gollum's assessment of my less then ideal traits once more by announcing - fine, I may not be able to be a fitness model but I can at least an athlete.

He laughed in my face, "You! an athlete?! who are you kidding? You're a clutz - slow and uncoordinated. Why bother with this tri-athlete training you are doing? You'll never do it - you know it's just a waste of time"

Gah!

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I stopped talking to him after that - but it really has me thinking. Do I REALLY believe I'm capable? It's easy to say yes. But do I mean it?

Here's the most important thing... does any of this REALLY matter? Or do I just need to shut up and get the job done? Who cares about my Psyche