tldr; I've lost over 20 pounds since the end of Feb, while learning loads about myself, not hating the process and taking three vacations

Mondays are my weigh in day, and today I had a lot of 'thoughts' it felt good to capture some of them, so I'm going to share some of them here.

Like many, Ive lost weight a LOT of times - pretty sure I started my first diet when I was a freshman in High School... I've lost a significant amount of weight three other times in the 2000's. Once doing BFL, once doing Leanness Lifestyle and once doing Metifast. I never made it to goal and I always gained my weight back and a few of it's friends came along for the ride.

After Christmas in 2018 I got to my highest weight ever - 295.75 and I thought 'I've got to do something!' so I wrote down all the things I hated about myself, and started yet another diet.

And I lost weight... until about feb...

Sometime before April 2019, somehow I got on a mailing list about the PNP Tribe, and In April, when the tribe opened up for new members, I signed up - April 8th I started changing EVERYTHING about my thoughts. It wasn't the first time I had heard about the TFD cycle or worked with a coach that taught it, but the combination of the right messenger at the right time... and this time I GOT it!

From April to Nov of 2019 got my total weight loss to 54 lbs! which was great but even better was the loss of the mental weight and learning to no longer hate my body. But, I also started to struggle with my why... If I didn't hate myself - why diet? I worked through that - found a new why and got my total weight loss down to almost 59 pounds by March 25, 2020.

and then 2020 happened... As I was learning to deal with the changes in the world at large and in my personal life my weight started going up... and it continued to go up until I had gained back almost 40 pounds. The difference this time? it went up with my full awareness. I was learning the entire time. I did not say 'fuck it' even once and I did not gain more then I had lost!

2021 was a year of maintenance. I was still dealing with major changes in my life, still teaching myself what 'didn't work' and by the beginning of 2022 I was pretty much 'done' doing the things that didn't work. I was ready... but first I had to go on a couple of MAJOR vacations...

I came back from Disneyworld at 283.35 (-12.4 from my highest) I immediately started digging into the content on NOBS... It was FIRE! Starting with Taking big ass action, that reminded me that BAA meant doing the things was action - not setting myself up with Asinine Diet Rules... Then in Stalls and Plateaus... I was asked to makes sure I wasn't participating in delusional dieting. And Drop it like it's HOT! too many ahha moments to even mention... I've listened to every Q&A call twice now.. FIRE! I tell ya!

But, the biggest things I've done have been done on my own. It's hearing that voice in my head that says "This isn't enough" and telling it... "we don't know that". And it was asking myself questions like "What would it take to plan every day?" or "what would following my plan look like?" - and actually ANSWERING that question. Writing down my thoughts about weight loss and my goal (It's not realistic, I'll never actually get there, I'm kidding myself, It's too late, getting there will take major suffering and sacrifice) and asking "is this true?" "What else could be true". Asking my urges, "What are you trying to tell me? What can I learn?" And dozens (or hundreds) of other small questions and thoughts ... and not ignoring them.

One thought in particular I've been telling to 'fuck off' is "I'm too fat for weight loss to be this hard". It comes in sometime when I have an urge to eat off plan, or not stop at enough...

But today... today when I stepped on the scale and it rolled out a number that is 34 pounds down from my highest and over 20 pounds down from Feb, I had a flash. Losing this weight isn't and hasn't been hard... You know what was hard? spending an hour planning my food down to the calorie by macros and working out for two hours a day six days a week was hard. (and needing to be perfect every day). Eating powdered foods and calories below 1000 per day.. that was hard. Hating myself and crying every time I got dressed - that was hard. What I'm doing now... writing a plan I can follow, eating foods I love (and crave) when I'm hungry, stopping when I've had enough isn't hard (it's work some days, but it's not hard). Opening the fridge and seeing the Peanut butter and thinking "I want that" and countering with "Guess I know what's going on the plan for lunch tomorrow" isn't fucking hard! These are things I can do.. and while I still haven't figure out how to 'enjoy' the process I for damn sure don't hate it. And you know what!? I'm going to be at my goal one day and I'm going to OWN all the 'not hard' work it took me to get there!