Monday, March 14, 2016

Well, I was on a roll and then the holidays hit and the beginning of 2016 has been super stressful.  So, what do I do?  I eat, and binge and eat so more.

And I gain, and gain, and gain...  I'm at a weight I can't even fathom... 280! What The Fuck!!!

 I saw my arms in the mirror today and I nearly fell over!  They are huge!  I mean all of me is huge but some how I thought I still had nice looking arms and calves.  But no...

I have to do something!  I managed to make it a few hours into the day today 'on plan'  then binged on some chocolate... then did ok... then ate 6 Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

I feel completely helpless and hopeless and I'm not sure where to start or how to get a handle on this before it gets any worse.  300lbs is not that far away.  I can't let it get to that!

Why is it so hard to tell myself no?  Why can't I deal with stress like a 'normal' person - without having to eat an entire box of yellow zingers.  Why, why, why!?

Saturday, September 19, 2015

262!  Lowest weight in a long long time!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I am finally getting a return on my investment!  Weight has dropped and is staying off.  Things are feeling 'easy'.  It's like all the parts of "me" are on the same page.  Add on top of this that I just started my period.  So, the lack of weight loss last week is explained.

So, a little less then a month I've lost 5.4 pounds.  Not blazingly fast weight loss, but it's loss, and what's even better... I managed to put and and wear my wedding ring!  Hooray for small miracles.

Monday, September 14, 2015

It's been a month. I've made progress food wise but it's not showing on the scale yet and that's frustrating. I'm trying to avoid taking drastic measures but when your body doesn't respond to normal measures, what else can you do?

Am I really that broken?

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Progress - it’s been frustrating.  I started at 268.8 and have seen 265.7 (the first week) but have been bouncing between those two numbers ever since.  I’m not looking for much but just a .5 lb would be welcome.  Something that shows that what I’m doing is making a difference.  

I know how fat I am, but seeing my photos was really a sucker punch.  My inner dictator is stomping around screaming, yelling and waving her whip. Telling me I better do something. At the same time, there’s another part of me that feels like it’s being beaten into submission (or is about to be) and simple thought of doing something like giving up cheese (even for a day or two) is making it curl up in a corner and whimper.  

*Deep Breath* Ok, I’m going to look at this from a less dramatic perspective, less polarization.  The dictator doesn’t have to be that - it can be a strict but loving mother who wants what’s best for me.  And the wild thing isn’t a helpless voiceless animal,  It’s the inner toddler that just needs a little guidance in accepting what’s good for it.  And both these things are ME and I’m in control of me.  

Monday, September 7, 2015

I’m past my little melt down from last night and able to think a little more clearly.  I got some insight that really gave me something to chew on.  If I had asked myself “am I ok in this moment?” I would have said, “No” and if I had asked “Will indulging add anything to my happiness?” I probably would have said yes.  So, I ask myself… why?  And the answer was, I really wasn’t having fun.  And not eating or drinking wasn’t the reason why - it’s just my normal way of covering up in situations like that.  

I’m an extrovert, but a socially awkward one. I love being around people and enjoying their company but yesterday was one of those situations where the layout of the space and the variety of the people left me uncomfortable, I didn’t know what to say - or how to engage.  I couldn’t figure out where to sit. I kept (subconsciously) worrying that there was something fun and interesting happening in the room I wasn’t in.

Food (and alcohol) normally gives me a way to ease my anxiety and also gives me a way to extract pleasure from a situation that I’m not finding very pleasurable. So, when I couldn’t indulge in my favorite mind numbing activities, the anxiety kept building and the longer I sat there the less fun I was having and the more I was craving the ‘bad’ stuff.

One other interesting note… I normally wear something unusual (and self made) to these parties.  It grabs attention and works as an icebreaker around people I don’t know.  I like getting attention but don’t like being loud and obnoxious to get it, so I use clothing and my pink hair as that catalyst.  Yesterday I dressed pretty casually and I think that added to my unease… something to think about at least.

PS:  As the day wore on I became thankful that I was able to wake up this morning not feeling gross, bloated and mildly hung over - so another reason to feel good about how yesterday went.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

So, I did the party and stayed true to my goals, but it was hard.  Watching everyone else eat, drink and be merry was difficult and in the end I got tired of arguing with my inner toddler and I went home early (I’m normally the last one to leave any party). The whole thing made me a little cranky and I came home feeling tired and grumpy instead of happy and energized like I normally am.  I tried telling myself, “You should be proud of yourself”  but I didn’t feel accomplished.

The little brat in my brain kept saying - why can’t I just enjoy myself like everyone else?  But I thought about it a little bit more.  One of my friends is ‘naturally thin’  and I started thinking about what she ate and drank at the party.  She didn’t sit and eat a bowl of chips.  She didn’t have two plates of meat and sides.  She had one small drink all night and passed on the cupcakes later.  Of all the people there she’s the one I would most like to look like and she didn’t spend the evening focused on the food and drink.

That, at least, helped me to feel a little less bitter, though I am still tired and grumpy.