Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Hellooooooo! I'm here, I'm alive, still kicking.

Let's see - last week I made it to the Dr. He looked me over and said 'it's a virus, you'll just have to wait to get over it.'

Well frankly I was sick of waiting! :) I picked up a new batch of viamins - Prenatal vitamins. Way back when I was a teenager I was sick and tired and was having reaccouring throat infections (my tonsils are out now or I probably would still be getting them.) Anyway, back then the dr prescribed me Prenatal vitamins. (back when you had to have a prescription for them) He assured my mom that he was mearly giving them to me because my immune system was so worn down that he felt I needed the extra punch of some heavy duty vits. And you know what? It worked. I got over the infections and my energy picked up. Years later I found out I had been exposed to the Epstine Bar virus and that was probably the time I was fighting it..

Anyway I picked up some vits, started taking them and I did start feeling better. Some days were better then others but overall I was on the upswing. AND I made it to the gym every day. No running mind you - but hit the weights and did some light cardio! yay!

Then Monday hit. I felt like someone had taken out my brain and stuffed my skull full of.. slime and then used it like a stess ball. *sniiiiffff* All day yesterday I layed in bed, aching from head to toe eyes and nose running like a faucet. I went to bed last night planning to spend today in bed as well. The alarm went off at 4:00, I opened my eyes and it was like a miricle! I could BREATH! I moved around a little and discovered, no headache, no body aches. A MILD case of the sniffles was all I had left.

and that's where I am today.

Good news - through all of this I haven't gained any weight.

What's the future? Well I'm going to tighten up my nutrition. frankly as tired as I've been I haven't had the energy to really disapline my nutrition but that's happening TODAY! I'll hit the gym the remaining two days of this week but it's going to be LIGHT work - no relaps for me. Still if I factor in the lack of excercise I should be able to drop 1.75 lbs by this time next week That's the goal.

Oh - and last week's results were good. I haven't lost any strength. I've reached all my 1/2 way strength goals! The only stats that are giving me fits are weight and body fat... the stuff that actually SHOWS on the outside.. bleh!

Anyway - I'm back. I'm back in action, back focused. I think part of my mental melies was my focusing on the 'big picture' Getting stressed about losing an enormous amount of weight by a certain amount of time. When I look at the 'big picture' (75 lbs). losing .2 here and .1 here just doesn't seem 'good enough'. especially when a week laiter I gain .5 back!

So I'm going back to focusing on one day at a time. Getting through today as best I can - tomorrow will take care of itself (to parphrase a really smart famous guy Matthew 6:34)

And I starting 'simple' again. Focusing on calories in vs calories out. Making sure I get SOME protien with every meal and trying to make my carbs 'good'. But not focusing on the ratios so much. So for the next week I'll work on tracking calories.

Here is the REALLY good news. My fiance has been offered a full time perminant postion. This means we can finally start looking into moving! Maybe by April I'll be able to NOT look forward to spending FOUR hours of my life every day riding to and from work!

Oh yeah! and as a surprise my fiance got me a Nano on Friday - I've been loading it up will all my favorite workout songs (and inspirational audio books) in preperation of starting back running! yay! AND my fiance has been reading a book that's been inspriring HIM and he's talking/thinking about getting back into running - I'm trying to convince him to do the Bay to Breakers with me - how fun will THAT be?

Lastly - thank you thank you thank you to EVERYONE who checked up on me! Seeing all those lovely messages from everyone has helped me keep my head above water. I'm going to try to set aside some time to do the same for all of you.

Monday, February 13, 2006

thanks you guys for hanging with me.

I'm in a really bad place right now. Mentally, Physically - you name it.

The good news is I got an appointment with the Dr today at 11:40.

AND I got up at 4:00AM and made it to the gym.

Last week though...

By the time I got home Tuesday night I ached from head to toe. Most notably in my right hip and my lower back. Everything had tightened up and I was having trouble moving, sleeping - everything.

Needless to say I didn't make it to the gym Wednesday morning - BUT I went out and did some cardio Wednesday night.

That seemed to REALLY do me in and I was dragging Thursday and Friday. Friday night I went out with my sweetie but was so tired and cranky that it ended up not being much fun at all. Ended up home and in bed by 11:00.

Saturday I was up by 6:30 so that I could pick up my kids at 8:00. We had a great day planned at WonderCon. We arrived at about 9:30 and walked and shuffled and walked and shuffled and browsed. It was so much fun but at about 1:00 I was sooooo tired! I was barely putting one foot in front of the other. I did a lot of sitting after that and let everyone else walk around. We finally made it home at about 5:00 and I immediatly settled into an easy chair. The fiance had better plans for me and literally carried me into the bedroom, undressed me and tucked me into bed. I slept until 8:00 the next day!

Sunday I spent as much of the day curled up on the couch as I could. I was fine as long as I was sitting still but as soon as I got up to do anything - exhaustion hit.

And then of course - my lack of progress on top of everything else has been wearing on my brain. I'm at that really horrible place right now where I start thinking about stupid things like having nothing but protien shakes - or just spinach all day.

Luckily I don't have the will power to pull something like that off.

As I said earlier, I did make it to the gym today. We did back..

Close Grip Lat Pull down: 125 x 5 / 125 x 5
Bent Rows (+ bar): 50 x 6 / 50 x 6
Pullups: 150 x 10 / 140 x 6 / 140 x 5 & 150 x 5
Back Extensions: 25 x 15 / 0 x 15

Then we stretched a BUNCH and hit the showers.

I should be a lot happier about getting to the gym then I am. Instead I'm tired a little sore, have a headache and a sore throat. I feel like a complete BLIMP and a loser. I want so badly to just say "Eff" it and give up. At least if I'm not trying I have a reason for nothing happening. Being fat - Hey I'm good at that! Unfortunatly at the moment - that little voice of self doubt that I have is not whispering but is SCREEMING 'YOU'LL NEVER BE THIN!!!'

No, I'm not giving in. Not to any of it - but fighting isn't easy. I'm tired, cranky and all around BAD company at the moment.

Maybe after talking to the Dr I'll find my pace again. I'm beyond expecting a miracle.

One thing that keeps haunting me though...

I know that there are women out there who have won the fight against obisity. But it seems to me that those who did it... got it on the first try. but the women like me. The women who have done a dozen diets and keep finding themselves in the same place time and time again... we never find the answer. I have this horrible thought that each time I 'fail' that my chances of ever getting to that final 'success' are slimmer and slimmer.

Personally I know the answer isn't a new diet. I've figured out that much at least. It's figuring out ME that's going to do it. Figuring out what about ME has to change to make not only the success happen, but STICK long term.

Alright - enough of this pitty party. I may not be able to talk the talk - but I'll keep on walking the walk - there's nothing else I can do.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Day two...

Made it again... The gym was shocked to see me :P

It was a fight to get up but I did it.

Started with a run - 1.75 miles.

The first 10 minutes was really easy and I thought the run was going to be a breeze, but the second 10 minutes - it was a struggle. It took every motivational technique in my bag o' tricks to get thorugh, but I did and finished my 1.75 miles in 21:22.

Then it was off to the gym. Shoulders today.

Military Press (+bar): 50 x 6 / 50 x 6 / 50 x 5

What's funny here is that I thought I had 45 on the bar. Fiance sayed something about me lifting 50 before and I told him that 50 had been 'too heavy' and so I had desided to drop back to 45 again. He didn't say anything, but did laugh when I finished and suddenly realized that there WAS 50lbs on the bar... duh!

Dumbbell Press: 35 x 6

Lat Raise: 25 x 6 / 25 x 6

Shrugs: 50 x 6 / 50 x 6

And then I was done!

Food should be right on again today - I'm excited to be back firing on all cylenders.

Oh! and I got my Body-for-life on CD today... I'm REALLY enjoying it. I had loaned out my book a while back and that person never returned it. One thing that I'm enjoying is it's FORCING me to listen to all the MENTAL parts of the book again - the part I'm sure I barely read. I've gotten so much out of listening to these already!

Monday, February 6, 2006

Well I did it. I got up and made it to the gym this morning. I finally figured that I'm going to be tired weather I go to the gym or not, so I may as well go.

At the moment. I'm feeling really good. We'll see how it goes as the day progressess.

We started a new routine today, so Mondays are now 'back'.

After a brief warmup - here's how I did.

Pullups (Assissted): 160 x 17
Close Grip Lat Pulldowns: 120 x 6 / 125 x 5
Bent Rows: 150 x 6 / 160 x 5
Back Extensions: 25 x 15 / 25 x 10

Then we headed over and stretched for a long while. It felt so good!

I would just like to say that I HATE getting up early...Thanks :)

Food should be no problem today. Yogurt and PP for snack, spinich salad for lunch, WW English Muffin and Peanut butter for afternoon snack and some kind of chicken for dinner. All good clean fun.

Food has been and will continue to be challenging as the days go by. I'm back working in the field. This means traveling, client meetings and the like. I'm going to have to be creative with my food and plan well if I want to see progress.

Still no sign that we'll be able to move soon. Fiance has a second iron in the fire now and we'll see how that pans out. As soon as he gets a perminant position we'll start to talk about moving. Until then, I'm stuck getting up at 4:00AM to get my workout in.

I'll do what I've got to do. I'm sick of hating the way I look. I'm tired of avoiding mirrors.

Ok - enough of that - I better post before I lose my network connection (online on the ferry - how cool is that?)

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Remember when I told you I felt like I was lookin' 'hot'? lol Well I was standing there talking to one of the guys in our office this afternoon. (He's someone who's in and out of the office frequently and usually only talks to me when I'm sitting behind a desk.) And he asked me "Have you lost weight?"

Now - granted, this guy is a salesman... AND he needed me to do something for him, BUT it was nice to hear anyway. I think it was the new outfit more then anything - it's.. flattering.

Anyway - wanted to share that little bit 'o sunshine that came into MY life today.

If you like to 'give'...

a friend of mine is walking for the "March of Dimes"...

Tom Walsh
Sorry folks - I still feel like I've been drug behind a truck.

Enough is enough - I've written a note on my hand to call and make a Dr's appointment - if this IS alergies it's time to see the Dr cause it's effecting my quality of life. If it's not - then time to get a little 'cillin' in me and get OVER it.

I'm doing what I can - walking the line sometimes on nutrition just because of pain and exhaustion but holding it together overall. I'm doing what I can but know it's not all I'm capable of (when I'm well). That frustrats me and makes me feel like a failure. I'll get over it.

On a postive note - I'm wearing size 14 pants today...If I didn't feel like crap I would be feeling pretty 'hot' today - I'm rockin a few new clothes. Oh yeah and I cut my hair again - I may take pictures - or maybe not... don't want to scare you with the red rimmed, black circled eyes.

Work is still busy as all get out and that doesn't help either. I feel a little cut off from my support group. This too will pass. I'm currently trying to cram two full time jobs into one 8 hour day and it's not going well. They promise me that my replacement is in the works. I just with they would hurry!!

So-not much of an update - but I figured I would at least let you know I'm alive. I have a goal to have seen a Dr and be on the road to perminant recovery by the end of the week.