Food wise things have been going well this week. Food has been on plan, even with some temptations. Monday I gave away a batch of chocolate chocolate-chip cookies rather then eat them. Yesterday I passed on having pizza, cheesy bread and lava cakes AND made a batch of lemon melt-away cookies without going off plan.... today, my weight is up 4 pounds *sigh*.

So I've been thinking about gratification, addiction, motivation and the like... As I said, I overcame my diet pepsi addiction and I was trying to take some lessons learned from that experience and apply it to my food issues. One of the issues I've come against is the ROI of dieting. ((I know this will be hard for some of the 'just do it' crowd to understand and I'm ok with that)) I quit pepsi and within about a week the fall out from my caffeine withdrawal was complete. I had learned of the mood enhancing effects of Phenylalanine and was taking steps to counter that which helped me avoid the terrible crash/irritability that had come with the other times I had quit. So, I was 'normal' and I was secure in the fact that as long as I didn't take my 'drug' again I could continue to be. Instantaneous cause and effect. Although I didn't quit to be 'free from a caffeine addiction' the result of being so has kept me off -- I'm very secure in the knowledge that I can't have just one...

Now, chocolate chip cookies are another story. I would actually be quitting them because I want a specific result. I want to lose weight and be healthier... but, the result isn't going to be here in a day, a week or even a year. In fact, who knows if it'll be here EVER. So, I've tried looking for other reasons... I've heard people say that eating sugar and junk makes them feel sick after they detox - nope, don't have that problem. I've tried monitoring my blood glucose hoping that if I stayed clean for a period of time I would see a change in my fasting numbers and get daily instant gratification that my numbers were getting lower or staying low. Nope - can't get a blood glucose meter to give me low numbers constantly and it doesn't seem to follow logically with what I eat. So any and every food change I make is only going to (maybe) long term results...

Even exercise is easier. Do I see a change in my body every day? Nope - but every time I go to the gym I'm able to lift a little bit more weight, or do one more rep. I run .1 mile or 1 second long and it feels like what I'm doing has a purpose. I can't 'diet' and say "Oh I did 2000 calories today, lets see if I can do 1800 today!" Or, I can't and do that and live - hah!

So,any ideas? (Not that anyone reads blogs anymore) The 'joy of compliance' isn't part of my DNA...I need a 'real' reason for being uncomfortable short term that sees results in the short term... is there any hope for me!?

Making Notes...

I have 33 weeks to train

I would like to be below 200 on race day (81lbs).  I know that's aggressive! it's totally reasonable by weight loss percentages... by the numbers it's about 2.5lbs a week.  That might be difficult so I'm selecting that as my 'moon shot' goal.  My min is to drop 41 lbs before then that's 1.2lbs a week.  I would be OK with that but not 'happy'. 

Training for the run is going to be @ 4.2 Miles per hour (approximately 14:30Min/Mile) - this would mean a finish speed of 1:30 for a 10K, but I know I need to train for a faster time then my goal cause running after the swim/bike is hard.

Training for the bike - looking to hit a consistent 13m/h again this is faster then I need to hit my goal time but I know i need to train faster because of the fatigue factor.

Swim... no swim goals not worried about that one

OMG - I talked to my husband and he said... Just DO IT!  so I did!

So, thinking out loud... what would I need to do in order to do a olympic length triathlon in 8 or so months?

1) lose weight (of course)
2) pull together a training plan
     2a) The swim part is no big deal I can swim .9 miles today
     2b) Biking means I need to get back out on my bike and work up to biking 20+ miles
     2c) Serious work is going to need to be done in order to run 10k I can't even do a 5k right now!

So, what's my goal? 

Here's my last race...

https://www.athlinks.com/event/167177/results/Event/86604/Course/123130/Bib/460

Well I wanted to do better than last time - that means sub 5 hours!  I could probably do that pretty easily just by cutting down my transition times (they were really bad!)  But I want to do better on the other legs too!  So, leg goals?

I would be happy with a 40 minute swim again - That's a pretty consistent/easy pace for me.  I can do that without doing much training.

For the bike - last time I did it in 2:10 I'm pretty sure I could do that in less than 2 hours.  I'm much more confident on my bike now then I was then, I have a better seat, I know not to get a blister on my foot! and I know how to wear my shoes to keep from having the numbness issues I was having on that race.  Plus I've done that distance sub 2 hours before, so I could totally do it again!

Running - I struggle with running and I don't see big improvements in that usually.  Last time I did the 10K in 1:46 so I'm going to conservative and do it in 1:40.

BTW my record for an Olympic Tri is 3:16 minutes -- I'm not going to try to beat that record (yet) but I do think I could do it in 4:20 I'm going to aim for being under 4:30 considering I'm coming from a 0 fitness level!  1/2 hour faster than last time!

One thing this is going to change... I'm going to be doing cardio first and weights second - and I may only be doing the 'big lifts' if I run out of time.  This will let me focus on my endurance while still letting me make (or maintain) gains on my major lifting groups (and may help my nagging injuries heal)

Just read through my race report from my last race and it brought tears to my eyes!

https://shawn-nawlb.blogspot.com/2009/04/race-report-lavaman-2009-race.html

I don’t know if this will happen yet so I’m trying not to get too excited but...

Last week at the rehearsal for my quartet we started taking about the sports we do/love. One of the girls is a swimmer (who has also done triathlons) and another does runs. Anyway we were taking about various events that we have done and I mentioned that my first ever triathlon was Lavaman in HI. Our Baritone mentioned that she had always wanted to do that race and 1/2 jokingly said we should sign up to do it together! I kind of laughed it off. But the idea stuck! So this week when we started talking about doing the mermaid race together (which I’m also going to sign up for) I brought up Lavaman to her again. And she loved the idea! AND our tenor who has never done a tri might be interested in joining us! So we’re tentatively talking about doing the LavaMan triathlon in 2019! Whoa! That is SO motivating to me on both a training and weight loss front. The last time I did Lavaman I was 40 lbs lighter then I am now! I want to go back lighter and Faster then I was back then! I want to beat my time!

Oh! And one other thing I was thinking about after yesterday’s ramble. When I gave up Pepsi I had just started a new vitamine regime called the ‘diet cure/mood cure’ which has some roots in addiction therapy. Soooo that could have been a big help in my dropping the Diet Pepsi (I just remembered that the day I ‘quit’ the reason I went all day without a soda was because I had gone shopping for vitamins). So today I’m going to lay out a bunch of supplements and get back in the groove there; as well as go to the gym and eat on plan! Easy! Hah! 

I've been trying to figure out how to beat this whole... can't stay on a diet thing.  I know from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet that if I picked a plan and stuck with it - I would see the progress I wanted.  I've seen it work in the past.  BUT 1) I've never reached my goal and 2) always gained the weight back.

There's a number of 'programs' out there designed to help you stick with it.  Many talk about finding your why.  They tell you to write down all the reason you REALLY want this goal and to use that to motivate you to make good/better choices.  To use all these reasons to keep you from choosing the cookie over a piece of celery.  It's not worked for me so far.  And, that's left me often feeling my why wasn't good enough. That I must not want it 'enough'.

But, recently I was thinking about how I quit drinking diet pepsi.  Because I was an ADDICT.  As in I drank around 4 liters a day - kind of addict.  As in I stole money out of my kids piggy bank to get a fix kind of addict. As in I quit multiple times and always started back again with "Oh just one won't hurt" and then soon I was back to four liters a day kind of addict. And I quit.  I haven't had a diet pepsi in...5 years (I think) and though I get cravings now and then, there is NO danger of me going back.  WHY!?

Did I have a 'big why'?  Nope!  In fact, it was more the case that everyone around me was always telling me I should quit.  The got on me all the time about the caffein and the artificial sweeteners and other chemicals and basically hassled me a lot.  But I didn't really see the need.  I was OK drinking it.  The only thing I wondered about was all the people who kept telling me that the soda was making me gain weight - and I WAS curious about that, but I didn't have a BIG why.  But, here's what happened.  I forgot to buy diet pepsi one time so I didn't have any in the house and I had a super busy morning.  About three in the afternoon rolled around and I realized I hadn't had any soda and there was none in the house, and I thought.  I wonder how long I can go...

Monday morning rolled around and out of habit when I got to work and grabbed a diet soda out of the fridge.  I looked at it for a while and then thought, hmmmm I wonder how long I can go.... so I let the can of soda sit on my desk... and sit on my desk... and sit on my desk and I never drank it.  That desk and that can of soda is long gone, and honestly, my addict days are so far from me now that I don't even remember what day I quit or how many days/months/years it's been.  Being soda free is just a thing I am.  Yes I still get cravings now and then.  REALLY strong cravings sometimes but all I have to do is remember what it was like to be addicted.  I just have to remember the fear I would have if there wasn't diet soda somewhere nearby.  How my life revolved around either packing/taking soda with me places or being near enough to buy one when I needed it.  and I don't miss it.  Not ONE LITTLE BIT!!!  and I know that all it will take is one.  Just one soda could spin me back into that lifestyle and I don't want it!

So, what does this have to do with weight loss? (Dropping diet soda did help me lose weight by the way - in fact I gained - a LOT)  Well, as I said before every program around seems to talk about your 'big why' and while I have LOTS of big whys I know they aren't working.  So, I'm trying to think of things (or even just one thing) that's more in line with the reasons I don't drink diet soda any more.  Something beyond "I want to look cute in clothes" or "I want to lower my blood sugar".  I need why's that are less about the 'result' and more about how the food addiction itself is hurting my life. Something that makes me say - I don't want this anymore and I NEVER WANT IT BACK IN MY LIFE AGAIN!  Kind of thing - and it's hard and I'm frustrated but I am not giving up!  I won't ever give up!

Run Girl Run!

Hubby and I met up with a running group in San Francisco after work and did a run with them. It was our first time with this group so we didn't really know what to expect. I've had bad experiences running with folks in San Francisco before because... well they are all so FIT. But this group seemed to be a nice cross section and I felt really comfortable.

The plan for tonight was to do a 4.5 mile run around Lake Merced. At the designated time we all lined up, someone yelled "GO" and we were off!

I really wasn't expecting to be able to keep up with the pack. It's just not the way it is for me - I'm slow and I know it :). They all pulled away at first and then, magically, they stopped gaining ground! I did a mental check and found that i wasn't struggling, really, so I just went with the flow, keeping a few folks in site.

The first mile rolled past rather quickly and I checked my watch.. WHAT! 11 minutes!? I kept going. Mile two came -- another 11 minute mile!? But now the running path was starting to head up hill. I was hitting the wall that I always seem to hit somewhere in mile three. I was tired, I was winded, I was hurting... But I was determined. Even as I saw the others pulling away and eventually go out of site I knew what my goal was. I was going to run 3.2 miles (a 5K).

I kept running. I felt like I was barely moving. I wanted to stop, to walk for a while, or even maybe halt all together to catch my breath. But I kept running. I was determined, no matter how slow I had to go, that I would reach my goal of 3.2 miles.

And I did! I finished that 3.2 miles in 37:15 - averaging an 11:38min/mile pace!

But I wasn't done yet. Nope - the route was 4.5 miles long. I had reached a milestone, but wasn't to the finish yet! The last 1.3 miles I did a run/walk combo and in the end, I finished the 4.5 miles in 53:53 - averaging a 12:06 min/mile pace. Not too shabby!

What was really exciting was that when I got to thinking about how far I've come...I realized that the first "Marker Set" we did while training to do Lavaman we were asked to run 2 Miles and record our time. That first time out (On 11/20/09) I ran that 2 miles in 31:35. Just a little faster then I ran OVER 3 miles tonight! WHOO HOO!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I keep finding myself thinking "I hate my life"

It's not true - I just hate my job, but when my job is over 1/2 your life -- it sure seems that way.

there have been some ups and downs this week.  Food wise, Monday and Tuesday were great, Wednesday was Ok (had more drinks then I intended at the tiki bar) and today was... wierd and unfocused.  I was craving and fighting the urge to binge.  I kept distracting the feast beast - telling him we would eat later, or eat something else, or use some other method and that seemed to work.  I don't really know why I was craving.. maybe just cause I was sitting around at home bored and food = fun to me. 

Had a few shots of inspiration tonight though.  Saw a photo of myself from Oct and it's just so.... ewe.  It's a photo of myself and hubby and seeing how BIG I look standing next to him (and he's not a small person) really set me back on my heels.  Then I was pulling out my photo vault and I got a eyeful of myself at my smallest.  I look so strong, confident and HAPPY!!  I want that me back. 

Fuck you feast beast.  Fuck you cravings for ice cream and pop tarts and doughnuts and and and and...

As for exercise - I worked out Mon and Tues but woke up Wednesday morning hurting so bad in my shoulders!  I don't know if I'm just sleeping crappy or if it was the weight lifting so I skipped Wed and today and will probably skip tomorrow too.  Skipping makes me feel sad and guilty but being pain free makes me happy so *shrug*

anyway - I'm still working on it.  Haven't got a mental exercise plan yet but I'll pull it together soon!

Alright - I'm doing it again.  Placing a flag in the ground, taking control of this thing, caging the pig, slaying the feast beast...

Those two things keep repeating in my head, "You can't do it!", "You've failed so many times - this time isn't any different!". "You've said this before - you're going to fail again, and you'll just feel even worse about yourself for even trying!"

And I just have to tell those parts of myself - Fuck you! I can make this change, I can see my goals and I don't even need something different (tm) to make it happen!

So, the plan is this... I have a diet and exercise plan that I'm doing through Chris and Heidi Powell.  I'm modifying it in the following ways.  1) I'm keeping my heavy lifting 4x a week on top of the more cardio focused workout plan they've prescribed.  2) I'm moving my food to be more primal/paleo.  Cutting (most of) the grains and processed food (I'm keeping cheese though... for now).  I like this plan because it give me specifics for non-weight lifting exercise.  It's also a diet plan that does a mix and high and low carb (with structured 'free meals') that I think may keep me from getting too wrapped around excluding certain foods.  It's a little tracking heavy which has been a problem in the past... but it's also worked well for me in the past.  It's a matter of not letting that little pig voice that likes to lay in the mud instead of taking care of myself win.  ((Shut up pig!))

As for how I'm feeling right now... other than being fat and feeling gross and sluggish I think I'm running into an issue with lifters shoulder (both of them!) and lifters elbow in my right hand.  Sooooo I've reset my lifting program to week one... lifting lighter for more reps and hoping that I can get the pain to go away... *sigh*.  I think I just went too heavy too fast and some of my smaller muscles/tendons just weren't up for it ... explisitly in my grip. 

That's the body side of things, where I need the most work is in my mind.  I've been tossing around several ideas.  Weigh down workshop is a Christian based program that I've had good results with and then there's the "Never Binge again" program which is good, ((that's where the inner pig idea comes from)) and then the Beck Diet Solution ((based in cognitive therapy)), Rational Recovery ((where the idea of the feast beast came from), or the work of Brooke Castillo and her self coaching... They are all great and all work together well... maybe it's time to study each and figure out how to intertwine them....  hmm that's and idea.  I know I need to work this angle for any weight loss plan to work.  And I need to stick to my mental work even more then my actual food and exercise plan as this one thing will lead to the other being successful!

Additional thoughts will show up here...

158 days until my 50th birthday and I want to head into my 50's with some momentum!

I've been sick, so I haven't worked out in a week (or more) and I've found I miss it!  I'm actually excited about heading back to the gym on Monday.

I was trying to figure out what to do about my program.  What week I should start back on and decided I'll just go back to the week that's already on the calendar... it's a d-load week and probably perfect for coming back from a layoff.

I also need to plan out some future workout weeks as I've actually gone through all 4 - 4 week rotations that I had already planned!  WOW!  And amazingly I can feel the difference.  I'm stronger, stand taller and feel more secure.  My foot pain is gone (has been for a while) and I managed to go through a weekend standing for chorus, a trip to vegas... walking and standing and a competition weekend in Reno without it coming back!  This is a first for years!  My knees are feeling good too even though I've been slightly ramping up the walk/running each week.  All of this without losing any weight!  I also find myself feeling more secure walking around.  I don't constantly fear falling which is a huge relief.  If I can get things firing on all cylinders and finally drop the weight too... I know I'll start to feel amazing!  I have a plan, and that feels good.

New focus..maybe

I want to lose weight.  I know that following a weight loss plan, almost any weight loss plan will get me to weight loss.  But, for some reason I can’t seem to stick to a weight loss plan…

I want to be healthier.  The sad part is, I don’t FEEL sick.  But, I do realize that if I wait until I feel sick it may be much much too late.  But, giving up near term pleasure for some nebulous future hasn’t worked for me so far.

So, how do I make this work?  How do have it all and still get the body I want?!

Let’s start with the assumption that calories in vs calories out is the basis of all weight loss.  

I don’t think it really matters how you eat those calories (weight wise), but I do think that getting my blood sugars under control is important. I also don’t want to lose muscle mass, so, eating enough protein is important.  The rest is gravy (or fat I guess)

Now, do I eat the same every day? Or do I go lower over the week so that I can splurge a little on the weekend?  This sounds good and more doable for me.

I’m going to start with a calorie budget of 1700/day - but cycle calories a little.  M-T

1600 calories and S/S 1950/day.  I’ll do this for one week and see how things feel.

‘Low’ calorie days will be: 120g of protein (480 calories) 50 net g of carbs (200 calories), 102g of fat (920 calories)

Protein Grams	Protein Calories	Carb Grams	Carb Calories	Fat Grams	Fat Calories	Total Calories
120	480	50	200	102	920	1600
	30.00%		12.50%		57.50%
Three Meals
40	160	17	67	34	307	533
Four Meals
30	120	12.5	50	25.55555556	230	400
Five Meals
24	96	10	40	20	184	320
Six Meals
20	80	8	33	17	153	267
Two Meals
60	240	25	100	51	460	800

‘High’ calorie days will be: 120g of protein (480 calories) 100 net g of carbs (400 calories), 119g of fat (1070 calories)

Protein Grams	Protein Calories	Carb Grams	Carb Calories	Fat Grams	Fat Calories	Total Calories
120	480	50	200	141	1270	1950
	24.62%		10.26%		65.13%
Three Meals
40	160	17	67	47	423	650
Four Meals
30	120	12.5	50	35.27777778	317.5	487.5
Five Meals
24	96	10	40	28	254	390
Six Meals
20	80	8	33	24	212	325
Two Meals
60	240	25	100	71	635	975

No adjustments for exercise!

Performance is determined by KPI’s as stated here:  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Hqv9bbRkFvinhe1luDzo3EUjg2SLDi6aIBBXBDxkXw/edit#gid=0

If, after two weeks the average weight has not gone down, I will lower calories by 100.