Sunday, August 30, 2015

After a weekend camping... I feel skinny!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Last week the plan was just to write everything I ate.  I did that and it was a strange experience.  After years and years of logging to discover how many calories and/or micronutrients I was eating to not have that immediate feedback that I was being 'good' or 'bad' was scary at first - then it became liberating.

The best part was that even though I wasn't eating 'for the scale' I still managed to drop 3 lbs last week! I'll take that.

I don't expect that to continue necessarily, and my coach says that as we work through this I may only drop .5 to 1 lbs a week moving forward.  That causes me a little anxiety, but honestly I've tried the extreme weight-loss before and it's never worked for me, so let's give this slow and steady thing a try.

This week my goal is to each protein, fat and fiber (only) through lunch (around noon - though I often eat lunch late).  I had already mastered a low carb breakfast so we were able to up my goal to low carb lunch.  Yesterday was the first day of that, and today, day two and so far so good.

The only issue I have is not getting down on myself for not being 100% 'good' and super strict the whole day -- but as I said before, I've done that in the past, it never lasts.  So why keep trying to do the same exact thing and expect different results!?

So, I'm practicing patients and trying to do better listening to my body.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

This coaching wcmxpieriance Ahmad been interesting.

It's not about making a plan that's super strict and then using my coach as a whip my dictator can use to make the wild child comply. 

It's about slowly and personally changing my habits. About killing the diet mindset. About losing the weight perminatly and easily. And I'm really having trouble wrapping my brain around this. 

How can I lose weight if I don't have a million rules to follow? How can I drop the pounds without spending every waking minute not at work in the gym or doing some other workout?

But, I've decided to trust the process. 

This week has been about writing down everything I eat. Even just this simple task has been difficult sometimes. To eat and write down what I eat without the food being 'good' or 'bad' is so far from what is normal for me. It's freeing and terrifying at the same time. I'm excited to see what comes next though I won't have new instructions until Tuesday. Until then I'll just keep on eating and writing it down and learning more and more about myself every day. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Well I've done it!

After much research and soul searching, I've hired a weight loss coach!  And what a coach she is!

I had a few requirements

1) Someone who had been overweight and REALLY understood the struggle.

     Check!  She's lost 130 to 140 lbs and knows what it's like to battle against your own body and mind to try and drop the weight.

2) Someone who wasn't going to try to feed me a low fat diet.

     Check!  She's actually a voice in a Primal/Paleo community and is a firm believer in the quality of food being as important as the quantity.

3)  Someone who was willing to be a source of accountability (and had a method in place to do this)

    Check!  I had tried 'passive' coaching in the past and it just didn't work for me.  When the going gets tough I stop checking in.  My new coach has a system that requires my feedback (and hers) every day!!

So who is this person paragon of virtue who's going to support, encourage and kick my butt?

It's Elizabeth Benton over at Primal Potential - and I couldn't be more excited!  We started working together on Tuesday and I've already been blown away by what I'm learning about myself.  I feel strong, I feel motivated and I feel ready to finally DO THIS!

One thing that's already come bubbling up for me is how much my new job has been effecting my mood (and my mood effects my eating).  I've been borderline depressed for months now -- and from experience this is caused by feeling trapped.  And boy do I feel trapped by my new job!

Just a few months ago (in April)  The job I really liked, enjoyed filled with people I enjoyed working with, fell apart.  First my boss (who I loved) quit and a few weeks later the company closed it's doors. "Luckily" another VERY LARGE company swooped in and picked up all the people who had worked for my small, dynamic and fun company; then swallowed them whole.  They paid us all a lot of money for the privileged of hiring us and it seemed like a silver lining to the dark cloud that had just dumped on us.

My job since then has been mind numbing, boring, sometimes frustrating and unfulfilling.  I lost that sense of contributing that makes coming into work 'worth it'.  It's gotten harder and harder to get out of bed and face the day.  And I feel trapped because of the the 'golden handcuffs' of great pay and even better benefits.  But... thanks to my coach I've been more aware of this.  When I started documenting my mood for the day it because crystal clear to me that this feeling of being trapped was overwhelming me and tainting a great deal of my life.

Then this morning, when I pulled into the parking lot and faced the building once again I started thinking.  I'm feeling depressed because I feel trapped, but, am I really?  I mean really really?  No, I'm not.  I could not show up to work today if I wanted to.  I could look for another job.  I could confront my boss and tell him, listen here!...

Suddenly my whole attitude changed.  I was here because I chose to be.  No one was making me do this and I either needed to accept that I was here by choice, or leave.  And weirdly enough, removing that sense of resentment made me speak up in a meeting today which got my bosses attention.  He called me into a meeting. I was able to confidently tell him about the things I saw that were going wrong and how I would fix them.  I talked, he listened and APPROVED and asked me to document the changes so we could implement them. So, now, not only do I have a job that will support me now and in the future, but one that fulfills my other needs as well.

But.. I still have that amazing sense that I'm here because I CHOOSE to be!

There's a part of me that wonders if this was just a lesson that God wanted me to learn.  That I am in control of my life and when I realize that.  Good things happen.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

I'm looking into another weight loss coach. It's what helped me in the past. I'm interviewing one on Tuesday and I'm really excited by the possibilities. Finger's crossed that all goes well. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

The going has been rough for me this week.  It's brought to light for me just how much of a food addict I've become.  It's reinforced for me how much I rely on food for the 'pleasure' in my life.  I'm sad right now because I can't have a cupcake, and even more sad that I think I need a cupcake to be happy...  There's nothing wrong with my life!  I have an amazing husband, live in a good house, have great friends - so why does the removal of a few kinds of food leave me feeling bleak and unfulfilled?

Well the easy answer is that I feel bleak and unfulfilled and try to stuff the square peg of food into that round hole of... whatever this emotion is... I guess I'll call it the blahs...or no... inertia.. or  I don't know 'the feeling that has no name'

Another issue I have is spiraling.  I feel bad, realize that I feel bad, start wondering "What is wrong with me? why do I feel bad - I shouldn't feel bad!" and it just makes it worse.

Actually, as I type this, acknowledging my feelings has made things a bit better.  Writing them down and thinking them through, even when not 100% figuring them all out, has helped.  A friend, who struggles with an alcohol addiction, has suggested I see a therapist.  He's probably right.  I may have to consider it.

Until then, here some other things I've learned... stuffing this restlessness - getting almost 100% of the pleasure in my life from food has had a huge impact.  Since I moved to (where I live now) at the end of 2009 (I think that's when I moved)  I have gained..... 80 lbs!!!!

That's just insane to me!  

And to think... if I can figure out this 'simple' thing.  Why do I feel restless and unfullfilled... and stop trying to find all my pleasure in food...I could finally be done with this weight loss thing and have a healthy fit body (not to mention sexy!)


Saturday, August 1, 2015

I have good news!  That burst of motivation I got earlier this week... It stuck!

I've lost 5.3 pounds this week and that's not all. I've kept to my food plan including a free day where I ate whatever I wanted (which surprisingly wasn't much) then today I got right back on track without a single twinge of the feast beast. 

I also did three running workouts - the first three days of my couch to 10k program AND I did a (short) bike ride today. It felt so good to be pleasantly physically tired today!  What was funny is that I feel like one lost 10 pounds today. Maybe not physically but certainly mentally. That voice that's been telling me 'you can't do this' is quite and I feel fast, strong and able to do anything in this moment. 

And these berries I'm eating for dessert are yummy!! And feel fantastic in my body!