Monday, February 13, 2006

thanks you guys for hanging with me.

I'm in a really bad place right now. Mentally, Physically - you name it.

The good news is I got an appointment with the Dr today at 11:40.

AND I got up at 4:00AM and made it to the gym.

Last week though...

By the time I got home Tuesday night I ached from head to toe. Most notably in my right hip and my lower back. Everything had tightened up and I was having trouble moving, sleeping - everything.

Needless to say I didn't make it to the gym Wednesday morning - BUT I went out and did some cardio Wednesday night.

That seemed to REALLY do me in and I was dragging Thursday and Friday. Friday night I went out with my sweetie but was so tired and cranky that it ended up not being much fun at all. Ended up home and in bed by 11:00.

Saturday I was up by 6:30 so that I could pick up my kids at 8:00. We had a great day planned at WonderCon. We arrived at about 9:30 and walked and shuffled and walked and shuffled and browsed. It was so much fun but at about 1:00 I was sooooo tired! I was barely putting one foot in front of the other. I did a lot of sitting after that and let everyone else walk around. We finally made it home at about 5:00 and I immediatly settled into an easy chair. The fiance had better plans for me and literally carried me into the bedroom, undressed me and tucked me into bed. I slept until 8:00 the next day!

Sunday I spent as much of the day curled up on the couch as I could. I was fine as long as I was sitting still but as soon as I got up to do anything - exhaustion hit.

And then of course - my lack of progress on top of everything else has been wearing on my brain. I'm at that really horrible place right now where I start thinking about stupid things like having nothing but protien shakes - or just spinach all day.

Luckily I don't have the will power to pull something like that off.

As I said earlier, I did make it to the gym today. We did back..

Close Grip Lat Pull down: 125 x 5 / 125 x 5
Bent Rows (+ bar): 50 x 6 / 50 x 6
Pullups: 150 x 10 / 140 x 6 / 140 x 5 & 150 x 5
Back Extensions: 25 x 15 / 0 x 15

Then we stretched a BUNCH and hit the showers.

I should be a lot happier about getting to the gym then I am. Instead I'm tired a little sore, have a headache and a sore throat. I feel like a complete BLIMP and a loser. I want so badly to just say "Eff" it and give up. At least if I'm not trying I have a reason for nothing happening. Being fat - Hey I'm good at that! Unfortunatly at the moment - that little voice of self doubt that I have is not whispering but is SCREEMING 'YOU'LL NEVER BE THIN!!!'

No, I'm not giving in. Not to any of it - but fighting isn't easy. I'm tired, cranky and all around BAD company at the moment.

Maybe after talking to the Dr I'll find my pace again. I'm beyond expecting a miracle.

One thing that keeps haunting me though...

I know that there are women out there who have won the fight against obisity. But it seems to me that those who did it... got it on the first try. but the women like me. The women who have done a dozen diets and keep finding themselves in the same place time and time again... we never find the answer. I have this horrible thought that each time I 'fail' that my chances of ever getting to that final 'success' are slimmer and slimmer.

Personally I know the answer isn't a new diet. I've figured out that much at least. It's figuring out ME that's going to do it. Figuring out what about ME has to change to make not only the success happen, but STICK long term.

Alright - enough of this pitty party. I may not be able to talk the talk - but I'll keep on walking the walk - there's nothing else I can do.


  1. Whoa there..I'm here to tell you that you CAN do this...not only CAN but WILL do it (we all have faith in you)...I know it gets discouraging when you don't see the progress you want... I am one of those people out there that have lost weight in the past only to gain it back time and time again.....but NOT anymore...I refuse to go on another diet...I not only have found exercise that I enjoy but I also eat healthy and am happy with that. What is in the past stays in the are young and have a whole life ahead of you and believe me you don't want to waste it being fat and miserable with yourself (I spent over 35 years living that way and it's no fun)...don't listen to those voices in your head that tell you you can't do it...
    It sounds like you might have been pushing yourself too hard (or maybe just a virus?) and now you body is telling you that it needs to rest... that doesn't mean you have to give up the gym...just that you need to listen to your body and not push quite so hard...
    Glad to see you really are doing good so Hang in there..You have alot of freinds & fans cheering for you...

  2. oh no! I'm bummed to hear you are struggling First of all, I'm glad to hear you have a doctor's appointment. I hope you can get yoruself back to feeling normal physically and that will get you back on track mentally. In the mean time, please try as hard as you can to fight the self-doubt! You CAN and WILL be successful. You may not be feeling it, but going through the motions for now is a good step in the right direction. It's only hopeless if YOU convince YOURSELF there is no hope... I promise you it's possible if you just hang in there!


  3. oh BIG hugs girl... we all have times like this. and right now you may have to fall back to fake it until you make it at the gym... hope you feel better, you sure have one hell of a bug.

  4. wow, Brit-man pretty much made me want to cry...

  5. You know, most of us wouldn't be still trying to get to the gym if we felt the way you do. We'd stay in bed and be sick and that's all. The fact that you are dragging yourself to the gym even when you feel lousy is something to be admired.

    And I don't believe that *most* people who successfully conquer obesity do it on their first try. I believe you can and you will, and so will I. You're DOING IT now. Maybe it's not going at the pace you'd like but it's going and it will keep going as long as you do. And if you're dragging your butt to the gym when you feel like ass... you're not gonna stop.

    Hope the Dr gives ya some good drugs and you start feeling better SOON!


  6. OH HON! sorry to hear you are still not well...& that is what is are NOT well! & that does a number on your mind & body at the best of times! glad you're goin to see the doc..
    let us know what happens ok??
    as to the other bit....were we all brainwashed this week?? we've all been writing the same DAMN sorta thing...ok if we have a group brain...we need to ALL decide to snap out of this thought pattern!

    OK?? take care hon..& email me if ya want :)


  7. aww hun...sorry you have been under the weather...just getting caught up with everyone here.

    I hope things went well at the doc and you are well on your way to recovery.

  8. Remember on MT you mentioned something about Bay to Breakers? Are you still in? I will if you will! It's around the bend...

    You can get back on track. I'm having a bit of a struggle, too, but we can get this show on the road together. Likr slem said "don't listen to those voices in your head that tell you you can't do it..." That was worth repeating.



  9. You definitely have a heck of a lot more will-power than most people I know!!

    Just keep going to the gym. That's the only thing I can say. I haven't lost any weight or bodyfat (I think...haven't actually calculated it), but I still go to the gym and work HARD!

    At least that way, I will have one less thing to figure out once I can stand on my own two feet.

    I know you're sore so even if you can just sit on a bike and move your feet...just to keep you in gym mode that would be perfect!!

    I hope the visit with the doctor went well.

    We're thinking of you...


  10. hope you are ok... it's been along time since we heard from you. hugs, c.

  11. *blink blink* Where are you? Hope all is well.

  12. How ya doin? We miss you - hang in there...

  13. Wednesday, February 22nd
    Thinking of you and wishing you well!