Hello Blogger land..

Decided to make a post today... It's more of a.. I need a place to write something down... type some free form thoughts than actually ... blogging, but, whatever....

I mean, between facebook, youtube, twitter, instagram and whatever... does anyone even blog anymore?  There is a big part of me that misses the community that used to live in and around blogging... I don't know if it stopped or I did and lost contact.  :D Guess I could find out...

Anyway... the real reason I'm here... weight loss

I think I said before I joined the PNP tribe (now No BS Women) back in April 2019.  I lost some physical weight (about 65 lbs) and a LOT of mental Bullshit.  I stopped hating myself, stopped believing I had to be fit to be worthy, or beautiful or sexy....

With covid changing life as we knew it, and me struggling with my why.. I gained back some physical weight.  BUT I never stopped working on me. 

I've learned some things.  

When I see pictures or think about the times when I've lost a great deal of weight.  Thought one is.. damn I looked/felt good then! I wish I could get that back. Thought two is always.... ALWAYS -- that's going to take a lot of work... remember you did....((whatever program I was on at the time)).  And when I 'go there' it brings up feelings of deprivation, white knuckling ... etc.  Not very motivating! I've discovered that I have a belief that weight loss is hard... I want to fix that.  I've found that much of baggage that comes from weight loss (dieting) is because I've always approached it as project.  A set of tasks with delivery dates on a set timeline.  One that I want to complete as efficiently as possible.  But I've proven that doesn't work...

I've also figure out, I don't have a strong why.   Before, when I would berate or demean myself to get myself to comply with a program -- I could drum up some short term 'motivation'.  I mean, I could tell myself when I lost some weight... I could stop hating myself.  Well - that method got me nowhere.  So how do I do weight loss without disgust as my touchstone?  How to I say no to a delicious piece of cake when my counter to that isn't -- I'm not having cake because I hate my thighs.  ('because I love myself' hasn't yet motivated me to say no)

These things have been the focus of my past year or so of work it's lead me to the decision that I want to approach weight loss with a spirit of fun and curiosity and to do that I need to see it as an experiment rather than a project.  What's the difference? Well, there is no failing an experiment - Because an experiment is by definition "a scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis or demonstrate a known fact".  There is no failure...  you just discover something, learn something or demonstrate something.... it may not be what you were expecting to discover, learn or demonstrate... but it is NOT a failure.

I also needed to take on my why... and why I'm writing this blog post, because I needed to capture this in a place where I could refer to it later. 

After all - what's the point of doing an experiment in weight loss if there isn't a gain somewhere in the end.  simple curiosity isn't enough for me - at the moment.  Why go on this journey in the first place? If the lower number on the scale isn't the key to happiness or self-worth or self-love... what's the point?  especially if there's the underlying belief that weight loss isn't easy.  Why do the hard thing and leave food behind, sit with feelings instead of eating them or any of those things if there isn't a good gold reason to do so....

How do I make weight loss easy? well there are actions I can do to make weight loss easy... and making those actions easy is by making the outcome more valuable than the short term...

And so I'm back to.. what is my why or why?  or, as I think I'm going to try calling them - my expected outcomes.

• diminish the belly - and this is not about the hate it's about the bulk
• My belly is bulky and uncomfortable its heavy and the weight hurts my back
• My belly inhibits my flexibility - something I value 
• My belly keeps me from sleeping comfortably on my stomach - what used to be my preferred position
• My belly gets in the way while working out... it makes deadlift, squat and biking harder than it has to be
• stop the shoulder (and other) pain...
• I'm pretty sure that weight gain has probably been at least part of the issues I've been having with my shoulder and arm pain as well as finger numbness
• The recent hip pain and escalated back pain could also be due to excessive weight
• Normalize Blood Pressure
• This is something I KNOW I fixed with diet and exercise before I don't know that it's back to being a problem, but I suspect it is (and hence why I haven't checked) 
• Walk - go up stairs - do normal things without becoming winded
• Yes, there is a portion of this that is fitness - but there is also the fact that carrying 270 lbs up a staircase is harder than carrying 170 lbs
• Run Faster
• I know, I know... training fitness blah blah blah, but, I've proven that just by lowering my weight I can get faster, training longer and train faster
• Wear all the boots!
• I love boots - I want to go back to being able to wear most boots - this means smaller calves and smaller calves come with weight loss
• Enjoy Food
• This is really the basis of my experiment... I want to prove that I can lose weight... get all those benefits and more while still eating food I love... while still being carefree, fun, spontaneous, adventurous
• For years I've lived with the belief that in order to lose weight I had to be a food snob (clean eating... how can you eat something so unhealthy!? etc etc).  I don't want to be a food snob.  I want to continue to eat like a toddler and reduce the pull of gravity on my body... 

there are also things I don't want

• I don't want to feel bloated, sluggish and overfull
• There is a feeling I can only describe as 'toxic' that I get when I overeat... I want to avoid that feeling.  
• This is a DIRECT... Measurable...IMMEDIATE thing I can track
•