I stepped back into action yesterday... as they say in NOBS BIG ASS ACTION

I made a plan and I made up my mind to work on sticking to it - as well as honoring my hunger signals.  

I had all the 'good thoughts' I was going to use lined up - I had a power thought for the day I was well rested and had a plan for water.  I was ready...

Last night while starting to fall asleep I started to think about my day.  I had this overall feeling of... let down, frustration, being 'on edge'.  And it had been with me all day.  My primary thoughts were along the line of 'today was hard - I felt 'off' all day.  I'm happier when I'm not trying.  Losing weight isn't worth it.

Primary feeling - defeated.  I fell asleep feeling defeated

Today I'm trying to work through all that.  I know these are exactly the feeling that have had me struggling for YEARS now.  This is my next major milestone in my jorney.

So, what actually WAS uncomfortable?  

1) eating slowly and mindfully at breakfast.  It felt like when I let the dogs outside and I have to watch to make sure the cat doesn't try to follow them.  Nothing BAD is happening at that moment, but I'm watching to make sure it doesn't.  I think the main reason is uncomfortable is because eating mindlessly is a habit.  So, slowing it down and THINKING about something that's automatic feels weird.  It's like when you notice your breathing and you try to breath normal using your 'thinking' brain instead of your 'automatic' brain.  There's nothing actually going wrong -- but somehow it feels like it is.  

So, I've noticed - I've normalized what was going on in that moment.  Next best? Can I just be uncomfortable for that 5-6 minutes out of the day while I process a meal and eating slower becomes the forefront habit? - Yeah, that sounds doable (and remind myself during the process that nothing is going wrong!)

2) Urges after breakfast.  I started thinking about food - not specific food but any food.  I told my brain to be quiet.  That I had eaten and there was no reason for food right then.  It was uncomfortable for a moment or two but went away... until.. about 15 minute later I realized I was actually hungry.  I ate the few bites left of my breakfast and all the urges went away... So, it was only uncomfortable because I'm still learning to judge my true hunger and enough signals.  I know this is an area I need work - and it's perfectly normal to work through this with some trial and error.

3) Dinner time - This was a double whammy.  first, I waited too long to start dinner.  I had planned something that required some work and I was already hungry.  BUT I wanted to wait for dinner - it was going to be so good!  AND I do think I have a habit of snacking (nibbling) while cooking.  So, while I was cooking dinner it was urge city! A few times I gave in too - nibbled on some spam left out from breakfast and then I beat on myself a little - "You shouldn't have done that! You'll ruin dinner!" 

So, yeah it's normal to want food when you are hungry.  It's normal to EAT food when you are hungry.  Maybe better planned stacks and better food timing helps here? but it was never an emergency.

So, yes... I'm going to continue this work.  I'm going to keep listening and talking to that part of me that losing weight scares - the part of me that doesn't trust the other part of me to take care of us.  Trust will happen it will just take time and I'm going to keep reminding myself that everything is ok and it's going to continue to be ok.