Checking in

So my new 'Modified' food plan went ok, for about three days.  But it has done the job of giving me hope.  I've been moving closer and closer to real change.  At least that's what it feels like.  Friday I made some real commitments to my fitness as well as weight loss (I've signed up for some Triathlons) and I took action two days in a row!

Yesterday I went for a 5 mile walk in the morning, and today I went for a 17 mile bike ride.  It's not an Iron Man :D  but I feel like they were both big steps in the right direction.

I'm also focusing heavily on the mental side of weight loss.  I've got a check list of daily activities including reading my "Reasons to lose weight", working through 100 Days of weight loss and doing all the activities from the Beck Diet Solution for the next 42 days.  That means blogging more often too.

So - expect to hearing from me more often!

The Plan

Yes I know I'm posting three times in one day - within a few hours of each other -- but this is my brain working/healing and you get to see it.  Lucky you!!

In order to know when to tell the feast beast "No" there have to be some house rules (No peeing on the carpet you!)

Low Carb - I like how I feel when I'm eating a reasonable low carb diet.  So, my goal is 50G of carbs a day

Reasonable Calories - I don't want this to be a "Eat all the cheese and bacon that you can" deal so calories are based on BMR and a goal of 1.5 lbs a week loss.

My inner dictator (we haven't talked about her much - she looks like this

yeah, she's a sexy bitch that's why I like her so much) wants this to be 2 or 3 lbs a week but we'll ignore her for now, she needs to learn to compromise more.

Now, the wild child is starting to get restless the feast beast is growling- I can hear her say, "But then we'll never get to have any fun!"

and so I'll add...

One meal a week is a 'free meal'  calories still count but carbs are out the window (the rest of the day has to be under 50 G though) HOWEVER - the Calories over goal need to be earned w/excercise and Free meals are ONLY on the weekends.

I know that fun can be had without food - but food is a big part of our lives and it's silly and shortsighted to deny it until I can find reliable substitute - I'll know I've found it when the free meal isn't important any more.

then next objections start..."But what if there's cake! I want to taste the cake! Or, if we go out to dinner or or or..."

So there's to answers to that. Like take the cake home and save it for the weekend, but  if you want to taste the cake then we'll allow that - here's the rule 50 'free' carbs a day.  If you're good at math you'll see that the 'original' 50G + this 'free' 50G = 100G of carbs a day - totally in the healthy range for weight loss!  And who's to say I'll need that free 50 every day!?

I'm doing another mental check right now and I have to say everyone's pretty quiet.  The little dictator has stopped pacing around screaming "Ve must have orda" and the wild child and her beast sitting are quietly, not trusting me yet, but not growling or lashing out either.

Alrighty then -- let's talk about the last part of my psyche - The Blerch

I wish I could say he was something I invented, but he's the invention of "The Oatmeal"  

The Blerch is that voice that keeps you from exercising.  He says things like "Let's sleep in again today.  I'm sure you earned it somehow".  He's the one who tells me to slow down, to walk, to quit.. to not start exercising at all! (you can see more about The Blerch and the book about him here:  http://theoatmeal.com/blog/blerch_book

I know he's different from the wild child and the dictator.  The wild child loves running and picking up heavy things.  The dictator wants to be strong and swift and dangerous.  So how is it, that it's two (three) against one and The Blerch continue to win?  I think it's because The Blerch represents inertia and inertia is a hard thing to over come.  

Initial searches on inertia brings up things like "Exercise resistance" and dealing with thoughts and feelings.  To that the Dictator starts lashing her whip and muttering "Did that hurt your widdle feelings? just fucking do it!" the wild child starts whimpering in the corner and feast beast starts gnashing his teeth and telling me I need a doughnut.  Hmm is that why The Blerch always wins?  He tells them all to just sit here on this comfy couch, watch TV and he'll go grab some popcorn.

I tell them all to "Shut Up!" and I keep reading.  No, I haven't found the answer yet, but let's tackle one thing at a time right now.  Maybe as I clear the struggle with food from my brain a solution to the Blerch will start to raise it's head as well.  

Oh and I'm going to bury here at the bottom of this post the fact that -- I now weigh 262 lbs -- that's Biggest Loser candidate weight right there.  It's way past time for a change.

What's that voice?

More thinking - more thoughts spinning in my head, but they are starting to line up a little in my head.

I think on top of everything else that's 'wrong' with me... I'm suffering from "too much information"

In George Leonard's book "Mastery, The Key's to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment" He talks about picking an instructor - my issue, I have too many instructors and their advice is often contradictory -- and I'm not talking about nutritional advice either.  (I'm pretty certain what a solid nutrition plan actually looks like)  But the HOW of dieting is under dispute.  For example:

1. Dieting is will power - Just do it and here's the plan
2. Dieting is a matter of setting goals and working through some steps (similar to will power but normally with better focus) - read affirmations, be kind to yourself etc
3. Dieting is a matter of balance - everything in moderation - eat what you want when you want and it'll all turn out right in the end (the anti-diet diet) 
4. Dieting is a matter of getting right with that voice in your head that drives you to eat - then follow your plan or non-plan as the case might be.

Lately I've been falling into camp number four though I swing between 1 and 4 quite often when the voice in my head doesn't pay attention and keeps eating.

But even in camp four there's disagreement.  After all, what is that voice?  \

1. Is it a "Feast Beast" a mindless lizard brain that needs to be locked away?  AKA the addictive voice.
2. Is it my Inner Child and she's just gotten a little too bratty?  I just need to distract her with shiny things, Love her, tell her nice things until she starts to cooperate?
3. Or is it my Wild Child - a combination of the above two - A slightly irrational creature that needs to be indulged in some way because if I try to cage her eventually she'll break out and I'll eat the entire stay puff marshmallow man in one sitting?

 Short answer... I don't fucking know.  Lately I've wanted it to be #1 because it's "easiest".  If that 'thing' that makes me want to eat is just the lizard brain panicing over some irrational primordial fear and I can just ignore it and move on.. I like that thought.

But if it's one of the other two - if the fear isn't as irrational as all that and instead is something I need to take out, examine and DEAL with... that scares the crap out of me.

Maybe I frame it this way...

My inner child is a wild child raised by wolves and currently has one as a companion.  They are very close to each other and when my wild child gets upset - sometimes irrationally - the beast growls and flashes it's teeth.  The beast can't hurt me - the child won't let it.  But it's pretty scary to look at and it makes a lot of noise.  I can tell it "No!" and can even smack it around a little if it gets a little too much in my face but I don't have to do what it says.

But if I really want it to shut up I need to deal with the child.  I need to make her feel safe, comfortable, and loved.  Doing those things aren't 'necessary' I can only deal with the beast if I'm not feeling emotionally up to soothing a child (like now) - but on those days when I'm balanced and centered and feeling patient I can try to bring the child out of the wild - get her to put on a pair of shoes and wear a pretty dress...

Or maybe I just let her run free in the wild cause there's a part of me that likes her having that freedom.

Ugh!  I just can't seem to get on a roll. The longest I can seem to keep to any kind of eating plan is about 1/2 a day lately!! I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and I can't seem to shake myself out if this rut and do something about it. The feast beast is in charge right now and it's making me feel helpless and hopeless. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time and I don't like it. But shaking the blues seems like an impossible task. 

Every diet book that talks about the mental aspects of weight loss is rolling through my brain. Each is shouting it's advice at me but none of them make my brain sit up and say, "Yes! That feels like the answer!"  

I just want it gone. And by 'it' I don't mean the weight. Yes, I want it gone too but I'm willing to go the whole journey with that. But what I want gone is whatever it is that I consistently hold back by eating waaaaay too much food. What is it that I can't face that I keep shoving down by tossing food on top of it?  I don't know my next step right now. Food isn't the enemy - I am.