Workouts are going well but food has still been a struggle... so I signed back up for support through Never Binge Again.  This time I'm going to go through the entire program including the 1 on 1 counseling.  It's time to admit that I'm not as successful as I would like to be on my own and that maybe bringing in a little mental help might be that piece I need.  I'm tentatively hopeful about the whole thing.  Trying to ignore that little voice that says "You should be able to do this on your own"  "Someone else isn't going to be able to help... they won't understand..." But at the very least it can't hurt! heh.

I'm struggling and I feel like crap! why is this so hard!?

I'm still going strong at the gym.  I'm feeling strong hitting PRs (for this comeback) nearly daily and I'm loving it.  I've been getting a lot of cardio in too... only, I'm not yet seeing any changes.  So... not really sure what's next for me.  I know it's going to require major changes in my diet, but I just can't seem to get the enthusiasm to do it.  Every day I do at least one thing that's against plan... and every day I regret it.  Just kind of stuck in an infinite loop.

Feeling good

Today went pretty good and I’m feeling strong coming into the new week. Just not looking forward to this time change. This week is going to suck!!

This week has been a totally fail... maybe o can recover over the weekend!  Ha!

This week has been a disaster!  Food wise that is.  Need to get it all back under control!

last night went a little bingey.  I'm trying to pull it apart today... figure out it's anatomy so I can stop sooner next time - maybe not even start...

The beginning was when my rare beer of the month delivery arrived.  I had planned a month ago to share it with the office so I had it delivered to the office.  My offer to share was accepted and at 5 we popped open several bottles to share.  I had a couple of sips of each wich was exactly what I had planned...unfortunately, I think because I hadn't eaten enough throughout the day, the drink went to my head AND I was hungry.

So a few tastes of beer turned into cheese (ok) and crackers (not ok) while I waited for my head to clear.  Then a drive through at Burger King where I had a whopper with cheese, chicken fries, cheesy tots AND a oreo shake!!!  I don't know why when I got to the order sign all my good intentions went out the window.  I didn't take the time to see what was going on in my head and I have no idea now.  I just pulled up to the sign and it's like my logical brain shut off and all my pleasure sensors turned on and they all wanted to be... uh.. pleasured.  hah!

I know the first step to keep this from happening again is to NOT GO THROUGH THE DRIVE THROUGH!  I need strategies to keep my feast beast from taking me into it.  So, while I can't really look at my emotions at that moment (it's been too long) I can remember the conversation that those emotions created. 

Feast Beast: We're so hungry!  We should eat!  There's nothing at home to eat so we should stop somewhere.  Burger King... Burger King is good, we could have chicken fries instead of regular fries so it'll be lower carb than other places!

Now - time to apply the logic (that I should have applied last night)

First - hunger is not an emergency! I have no medical issues that require me to eat at certain times.  I could have waited the 30 minutes or so it would have taken me to get home.  Second - I need to have better selections at home.  I was gone for the weekend so I didn't prep any food and that gave the feast beast a foothold to work on -- additionally EAT more food during the day, again so the feast beast doesn't have a reason to even start the 'we're hungry' whine.  AND then... the burger and chicken fries.  These were NOT 'better choices'.  A salad would have been a better choice - or some kind of grilled chicken (like they have at Jack in the Box) would have been a better choice.  The inner pig lied to me and I accepted it.

I'm reminded of a quote by Stephen Gullo in his book "The Thin Commandments Diet" that says "There are no good or bad foods.  There are only good or bad histories with a food" 

In my case it's not that drive throughs are bad I just have a really bad history with them and if I never pull into one, I can never make impulse bad decisions like last night's...So, how do I avoid it?

I'll start by prepping better... making sure I have MRB's in my car, eating more during the day, having good 'safe' foods waiting at home but I need a few more strategies for avoiding the magnetic pull of the drive through (I spend 4 hours a day in my car so a good strategy here will really give me a boost for a BIG chunk of my day!) I'm thinking I'll put a goal photo up in my car.  Something that reminds me while in on the road what I'm fighting for.  I'm also thinking of compiling a list of quotes and/or a list of my why's and picking one to meditate on each time I'm in my car.  If I can master the habit of putting on a seat belt I can master the habit of reading a quote when I start up my car... can't I?

Anything else anyone can think of?

As expected - the weekend's indiscretions appear to have undone all my progress through the week. But here's the stats

Scale Weight: 278.66 down .8
My True Weight 278.3 down .9
Body Fat Average: 145.75 up .4
body fat % is a strange beast and really hard to track accurately outside of a Dr's office... recommendations that I've seen is to verify downward trends monthly instead of weekly and I'm probably going to change to that method.   This will be my March starting stat with the next check-in being the first Monday in April)
Still haven't been good about tracking blood pressure :(
Resting heart rate: 75.4 down 2.8
Fasting blood sugar:  96.5

But here's a strange thing that happened.  Thursday I tried on some new clothes that had arrived (mail order) and the non-stretch slacks in the order just... barely fit.  Like, totally wearable but a little snug feeling.  This AM I put them on and then fit just right!  Even though the scale says I gained weight between Thursday and today... too strange and par for the course.

on to the restrospective

Keep Doing

• working out!  I'm really feeling great about this part of my plan!  
• Keep reading, keep learning, keep applying what makes sense! I'm in the middle of  Lyle McDonald's "The Women's Book: Vol I" and I'm learning SO MUCH!  I need to make the time to keep going and keep applying what I'm learning.

Stop Doing:

• Don't let the weekend derail me!  I was really on a roll until the weekend came around.  Granted, I wasn't in charge of the food that was available to me over this weekend, but I still made some choices that were not in my best interest - like not liking the provided lunch so eating cookies instead of the meal replacement bars I had brought with me.  I also had a (n alcoholic drink (only one!) even though I had planned not to! I was the one who made the drinks and justified my indulgence with "I have to make sure it tastes ok before I serve it.  Man that feast beast sure is sneaky!

Do More Of:

• Thinking things through -- at one point last week (thursday) I was really starting to crave... bad.  At first I was 'fighting' the cravings.  In a way 'white knuckling' my way through the day.  But then I took a moment to check my feelings.  Surprise (not) I was actually feeling anxious! I was going away for the weekend and was behind on packing/prepping for the time away from home.  I had a long list of things to do and/or not forget and it was subtly stressing me out.  Just taking a moment to acknowledge that stress and then making a plan to deal with it and the cravings went away! 
• Tracking my health markers.  Doing things like taking my blood pressure and checking my blood sugars needs to be a part of my daily routine so that I have things other than the scale to let me know that I'm headed in a healthy direction.

Do Less Of:

• Sitting during the day.  Although I've been good at planned workouts I still tend to only burn calories in the morning and then.. nothing.  I need to get up and move more often, burning a little all throughout the day.  After all, sitting in my chair takes the same amount of energy as sleeping!  And keeping the metabolic fires burning all day is a huge help in long term weight loss and health benefits.

And there you have it.  Another week (another day another hour) and another chance to make it a good one!

The weekend was a bit of a challenge. I was out of tow at a conference where all the food was provided. There were not too many choices and for the most part I made good ones where I could. But.. I did eat deserts and I did have alcohol which I hadn’t planned on. But overall I’m ok with how things went. Looking forward to tomorrow and being in control of my environment again.