I’m past my little melt down from last night and able to think a little more clearly. I got some insight that really gave me something to chew on. If I had asked myself “am I ok in this moment?” I would have said, “No” and if I had asked “Will indulging add anything to my happiness?” I probably would have said yes. So, I ask myself… why? And the answer was, I really wasn’t having fun. And not eating or drinking wasn’t the reason why - it’s just my normal way of covering up in situations like that.
I’m an extrovert, but a socially awkward one. I love being around people and enjoying their company but yesterday was one of those situations where the layout of the space and the variety of the people left me uncomfortable, I didn’t know what to say - or how to engage. I couldn’t figure out where to sit. I kept (subconsciously) worrying that there was something fun and interesting happening in the room I wasn’t in.
Food (and alcohol) normally gives me a way to ease my anxiety and also gives me a way to extract pleasure from a situation that I’m not finding very pleasurable. So, when I couldn’t indulge in my favorite mind numbing activities, the anxiety kept building and the longer I sat there the less fun I was having and the more I was craving the ‘bad’ stuff.
One other interesting note… I normally wear something unusual (and self made) to these parties. It grabs attention and works as an icebreaker around people I don’t know. I like getting attention but don’t like being loud and obnoxious to get it, so I use clothing and my pink hair as that catalyst. Yesterday I dressed pretty casually and I think that added to my unease… something to think about at least.
PS: As the day wore on I became thankful that I was able to wake up this morning not feeling gross, bloated and mildly hung over - so another reason to feel good about how yesterday went.