I was in the 'quick shop' a few minutes ago. I was picking up something to drink when the 'feast beast' raised it's ugly head.
"look at all those treats," it said "I should by one.". ("i" because it likes to pretend it's me")
I countered with thinking about the shame that would come with having to post a candy bar when it wasn't a free day.
It faught back with the thought that I didn't have to take a picture. Then I very clearly heard the words, "no one has to know".
That's been the running theme for the past two years. ' go ahead, eat, you're alone. no one will know.
There are so many things wrong with this idea. First that I'm considering doing something that I feel I need to hide from others. Do it or don't do it. Don't hide it!
Second, have I really hidden anything? I weigh 230 lbs. I really doubt anyone's been fooled by my secret eating.
But, most importantly, and the answer I gave today. "I would know"
The answer back floored me "so"
So? Has it ever been so clear that i'm dealing with a 'beast', that cares nothing about me? That cares nothing about my own self worth? That values others opinion over me over my own?
Although these exact thoughts didn't go through my mind some shadow of them must have because I got angry. In my mind I told that beast "stop it. I'm not getting any candy".
I grabbed my drink walked through the candy isle without pausing, paid for what I had came for and walked out.
If you've never had to battle the feast beast you probably have no idea what a victory this is. But trust me, it is.