When I joined the PNP Tribe (now NO BS Weightloss) in April 2019, I was doing Keto (again), and down 3.75 pounds from my all time high of 295.75 on Christmas 2018.  I had hit a low of 282 but was working my way back up again.  I was sick of the yoyo diet train and ready to lose weight for the LAST TIME!

I had written this letter to myself to remind myself for all the reasons I had for losing weight...

I hate…

The hormonal backlash that is part of the price you pay for being a woman

That your husband is secretly disgusted by you and only overcomes it because he has needs that he won’t fulfill other places because he’s such a good man.

That everything you eat is viewed as unhealthy. After all how could it be healthy if you are eating it.

That any knowledge that you have about fitness and diet is ignored because... you are fat, what do you know?

That you lose breath just walking across the street or up a flight of stairs.

That you hate yourself

That you can only feel sexy for a few moments of delusion... until you look in a mirror or see a photo.

That every bump and bruise is slow to heal and injuries seem to take months and months to recover from. 

That you are pre-diabetic and have high blood pressure and who knows what other health issues wait for you.

That you can’t get tattoos because they would be stretched out and aweful.

That you disgust people in the locker room.

That you walk around constantly in fear of falling.

That you can’t wear shorts and even dresses are questionable. The chafing is just too real

That you have failed so many times

That you have lost 50-80+ lbs multiple times but gained it all back

That you sweat so much

The way you look

Your bloated belly

that you have a closet full of clothes you can’t wear.

that you can’t fit into an airplane seat and on roller coaster rides

People fear you sitting next to them. 

and I was at a super low place, emotionally and mentally.

Since Corrine's program was all about 'start where you are' I kept doing Keto/Low Carb but started implementing the hunger scale to my eating.  Eat when hunger, stop when full... and began my thought work.

I was no stranger to the TFD model, but this time I was ready to hear these messages.  My mood lifted, my attitude improved, my relationships got better, started to love myself.  By Oct I had lost a total of 46 pounds (down to 249 lbs) and I was at the lowest weight I had been at since 2014!

But all was not perfect... I was still 'doing Keto' because it was the 'right thing' to do... but faltering in my weightloss.  I found myself frustrated, wishing I could just lose this weight and then 'this' would be over....

Uh.. what? I had to examine that that... what THIS was I talking about?  "The dieting" was the answer

Oh, crap, I was still dieting!

I realized that living a life I loved meant - sometimes having toast with my breakfast - or a slice of cake after dinner.  But, I had no idea how to eat those things and still lose weight!  I also had no idea how to want to lose weight without hating myself.  How did I eat in a way that promoted weight loss without hating my current self as a motivation to lose weight?  How did I lose weight if I wasn't on a diet!? I knew there was an answer there.  I felt it in my bones, but I didn't know what it was yet.  

I kept at it... I learned to plan more realistic, to make and follow a plan and how to stop telling myself losing weight was HARD.   I still didn't have a new hard why.  and yet by Mid march 2020 I was down 12 more pounds. For a total of 58 pounds. (237)

But then everyone's circumstances changed! We all learned what 'new normal' meant.  I lost my ability to go to the gym, while not necessary for weight loss, I found it was a way of setting my intention for the day, and were I did a lot of my audio book and active meditation work.  Although I knew I needed to figure out a new why...  I was focused on figuring out other things.. so, by the end of 2020 I had gained back 37 pounds (274)

The start of 2021 brought a lot of changes - a new home, new state.  My daughter stepped up as my accountability partner and months of practice on guiding my thoughts about the pandemic and lockdowns started to pay off.  My weight pretty much stabilized, sometimes raising or dropping by 4 pounds but not more.  I started to play with the idea that maybe I didn't have a hard why because... I didn't need to lose weight.  I loved myself - why change anything.

But, something in me wasn't satisfied with that.  274 still came with a lot of fear.  Fear and physical pain... was over eating (cause I wouldn't be 274 without over eating) worth the worry over high blood pressure and stroke.  What about diabetes? My hips, knees and feet hurt constantly.  What about the constant arm and hand pain from the weight of my body pressing on my shoulder? 

I took my focus off weight loss and started thinking of self care.  How would someone who loved herself take care of herself?  I experimented - eating more of somethings, eating less of others.  

By Oct of 2021 I was still 274 BUT my mind was in the best shape of my life and over a series of weeks all that work paid off!

I was able to get serious and VERY specific about what self care looked like.  I wrote down a page worth of things someone who practices exceptional self care did and started figuring out how to implement them.  I got a glimpse of my future self.  Someone just like I am now only brighter, happier and....

(the glimmer of the next step came to me)

... "In Charge!"

 I realized that yes, weight loss was part of my overall self care program... BUT I also realized that I LOVE being in charge, and I gave myself the authority to be in charge of my body and mind.  I could lose weight just because... I freaking wanted to!  I didn't need anyone else to understand my why.  I didn't need to explain or justify it to them.  Only I had to know and understand that I wanted to lose weight because I want to, and I was deeply curious to know what it would feel like to be at my goal.  

Someday someone is going to ask me how I lost all my weight and I'm going to tell them.  I was stubborn and curious.  And I'll smile, and they will be confused... and I'm ok with that. 

In three weeks I'm going to post that I'm below 270.. my lowest weight of 2021.  Then at the end of the year below 260!  By Oct 2022 I will be in Onderland.  I'm ready! I'm ready to lose weight to see what it's like.  I'm ready to manage my thoughts around food and drink and not ever g o on a 'diet' again.  I'm willing to stop pushing he snooze button on my life, get up and DO the things I've set myself to do.  I'm ready to live, I'm ready to succeed and I'm ready to be the Hero of my own story!