I’ve been toying with setting ‘real’ weight loss goals again and once again ALL the shit comes up. I’ve been doing this on a semi regular basis for a couple of years now. But, now, some of the things I’ve been telling myself to counter the old shitties are starting to feel like trueths. That’s progress!!

My company is having a celebration for it’s employees in Jan - a cruise in the Bahamas- it also happens to be my 55th birthday! So lately I’ve been asking myself “I wonder how much I could lose by then?” (I have another cruise in Feb - so triple the want to look and feel the best I can)

Earlier this weekI heard that same ol’ thought “well, if your going to lose weight, you better have a plan… time to clean out the cupboards, get out your calorie counter and cut out all the carbs… where’s my food list!”

Immediately, I felt the panic, the need to run away or fight. But then I asked that voice “WHY!? Why implement all these rules when I’m not even following the basics of all basic rules?? (Making and following a plan) how can I say that that won’t work, that it isn’t enough when I haven’t even bothered to be consistent enough to know?”

So, I’ve been making plans this week and assessing…and I’ve been journaling on why each of the basics is important (for more than weight loss)

But, I heard ‘the dictator’ loud and clear again this morning (i didn’t lose 10 pounds in three days after all )

“You are broken! You did all those stupid diets in the past and now you are broken. The only way for you to lose weight is to be deprived and desperately hungry - always. Also working out 2+ hours a day”

I had to take a deep breath and calm down. I realized I was giving myself two losing scenarios. Either starve or be overweight. And for about two years now I’ve chosen to just fix my thoughts about being overweight. It was ‘easier’

But, as I said, I’m starting to see the lies for what they are. Those are NOT my only choices!! Or to be more honest - I’m willing to say I don’t KNOW those are my only choices.

I may not be able to let go of all the fucked up thinking I have about weight loss. But can I just… make one small change and see what happens? If I don’t lose weight I haven’t hurt anything. I’m no worse off than I am today.

I know, this is a little (a lot) rambly. And maybe it’s because the things I’m learning are a little ‘no duh!’ Instead of big profound ‘New thinking’

Maybe I’m just trying to confirm for folks that yes, it is possible to think - to start to believe new thoughts. And even when you don’t the first 100 times… and it doesn’t feel like your making progress… you are. One day you’ll wake up and the dictator will scream at you “Today we’re going to eat 1000 calories and no carbs! If your serious about losing weight get serious!”

And your inner wild child will say “No! Fuck weight loss it’s more fun to be fat!!”

And you’ll tell them both “Hold on! There is another choice!”

And they will both go … “Oh! Yeah! Thanks for the reminder”

And you will physically feel the change in your body and realize they both believe you and believe in you and… it’s amazing.