I just had a thought. Yes, I was listening to Corinne Crabtree at the time, but it had nothing to do with what she was talking about. It just kind of came out of the blue and popped into my head

I needed to gain this weight back.

Seriously, I was starting my last set of squats and my brain was doing it’s usual aimless wondering (one of the reason I love to work out) and suddenly it paused, looked at me and said ‘we needed to gain this weight’

I stopped and went ‘What!?’

And my brain nodded and said, “there were things we didn’t learn the first time so we needed to gain this weight so we could learn them…”

The sense of rightness…and peace that came over me! I can’t even tell you!

Not only does it make this work I’m doing seem even more valuable…But, now I know, if I ever gain weight again… it’s not because I’m a failure. It’s because there are things I still need to learn. And this was how I needed to learn them.

(For those who don’t know me - I joined in April 2019 and from then to March 2020 went from 295 to 237. I then started gaining and got up to April 2022 I was 283. I am now 249. I didn’t think I had been beating myself up about it. But after that thought I realized my inner drill Sergeant was still saying ‘you just didn’t do enough, try hard enough… blah blah blah’

But none of that is true! I just had lessons still to learn. We all do!))

 I’ve been more hungrier than usual this week (and judging myself for it) having bigger urges than normal (and judging myself for it) and not seeing the results I like (and…you get it)

Today, my Aunt Flo visited after being absent for three months. Seems like ‘the pause’ isn’t here yet.

And lesson learned. Sometimes it’s just my body going through some stuff and I need to give myself a little grace and trust.

 I did my assessment and set my weekly goal two days ago but today I’m going to make some changes (this is what it means to be agile)What I realized is my current goals were missing something … I had forgotten to check in with my vision. My weight loss vision is weight loss without all the diet bullshit. And I realized while assessing yesterday's day.. I've been using planning as a way to sneak that diet bullshit back into my life... (probably why I've resisted planning so much!)

So, when I started having urges ... and those urges felt like white knuckling... and when I gave into those urges and went off plan ... I used the 'off plan' part as a reason to tune out.. hurry up and eat... and piled an overeat on top of an off plan eat...

I also realized that another faulty 'diet thinking' habit I have. I have a tendency when I'm 'focused on weight loss' to see how much restriction I can 'tolerate' and still live my life... as in, I'm ok with leaving two bites behind, that didn't feel crummy so let's see if I can leave three...Just how hungry can I stand to be? and then I start having big urges for sugar and carbs (wonder why? I'm hungry - duh) I grab a candy bar and then go 'Oh - this isn't on plan! better eat it fast!' and mindless eating (see above)

So.. here's what I'm going to change... I'm not going to plan (*gasp*) rather than working on the habit of a doable plan AND the habit of listening to doable hunger I'm only going to work on hunger for ALL the rest of this week.

What does that mean for me? It means I eat whatever I'm hungry for... want a candy bar? fine - have a candy bar. But you're going to eat that fucker mindfully. You're going to slow down and actually have every bite. You are going to chew it, and not gulp it. you're going to acknowledge now much is left with each bite instead of looking down and being surprised that 'It's all gone already!? I need a second one! I didn't even enjoy that one!'

And - I'm going to EAT when I'm hungry and actually eat to enough... Stop playing this restriction game with myself. it's not about how little I can have and still have a life... it's how much I can enjoy and still get results!

Do you hear that dictator BRAIN!! the goal is abundance with results!!!

So, how does this look in action?

One - like I said.. no planning. I need to prove to my planning brain that I can do this 'eat anything' thing. (the caveat to that is my weekly dinner planning cause there is nothing that stressing me out at the end of the day more than no knowing 'what's for dinner?'.

two - Im going to continue to use my slow eats app. Even for formally 'bad' foods. If these truly are things I love I want to take the time to enjoy them. Not feel like I'm one of the dogs trying to gulp down a treat before anyone finds out I cleared the counter. I did this a few times last week when I had a cookie and it was actually a cool experience.

three - Make sure I'm truly eating to enough and not just 'not hungry' (eat to 2 instead of 0 to the OG members) since Slow Eats let's me track how many bites I'm taking - that might help me measure. I'm pretty confident that there's a pretty normal 'range' of bites but I need to be open to experiment with them and willing to listen even MORE than I have been.

four - eat when I'm hungry. small letter hungry not HUNGRY! as my kiddo and I like to say - listen for Kathy voice hunger not Corinne voice hunger. Maybe that means timed eating.. or even just a reminder to check in. (I think ADD brain makes me miss hunger cues a lot) - or, I'll acknowledge hunger and then forger I was going to eat... I'll need to get more specific on that moving forward...

anyone had success moving from only noticing you're hungry when you're HUNGRY? what worked for you?

 My (personal) deep dive assessment of last week...(I don't have any data from last week - so can't really compair)

Days Planned 7/7 (up from 0)
Total meals eaten 27
% of those meals that were off plan 14.8
% of those meals that I ate when not hungry 11.1
% of those meals that I overate 7.4%

I didn't start doing 'discovery' on my overeats until later in the week but from the data I did get

2 "Eating when not hungry" were trigger by "Seeing something and thinking - that looks good/fun etc"
1 also included "Bored"

1 overeat was "This tastes good"

I also used an App during my meal (slow eats) 76% of the time (again, started it mid week) and it helped EVERY SINGLE TIME to remind me to slow down and evaluate the next bite - I left bites behind 29.6 % of the time

0 off plan drinking

I worked out 5 days last week (on plan)

I drank at least 64 oz of water every day

I averaged 6:50 of sleep each night

Results

I was down 3.9lbs this morning at weigh in
Resting heart rate was the most stable it's been in AGES
(need to double check my blood pressure - haven't done that in a while)

Measurements will happen end of this week as I do that monthly but I did fit into a NON-STRETCH pair of size 18W jeans

So what am I going to ...
Keep doing Cause it worked?

making a daily plan
logging each meal when I eat (I created a form through google to ask me to answer the questions I want to track)
Keep working out/drinking water/sleep on point
Journaling on my 'why' for making and following a plan

Stop doing cause it isn't working or I'm not ready

I don't have anything to put here this week

Start doing as an experiment

I've decided to just focus on my current experiments and not add anything new

Goal for the upcoming week

7/7 plans
water: at least 64 oz
Sleep: aim for 7 hrs
log every meal
5 days of workouts

1.75 pounds

 I think it’s Sooooo important to talk to ourselves this way! This is this morning’s TDL

Dear past self. Thank you for sticking to the plan and not over drinking yesterday. Yes, there were some moments of FOMo last night but in the morning light, I can acknowledge wasn’t hard. Just had to listen to a little whining and the true is the alcohol would not have made the night ANY better.

Waking up this morning after a good night’s sleep. No headache, not dehydrated being able to remember exactly who I talked to and what I did is a gift I gave myself!

Also thank you to the me that made my plan. So I was able to enjoy the day having eaten the right kinds and timing of food that I was able to enjoy my planned drinks without it going to my head and opening the door to drunk binging on food and more drink.

I didn’t weigh in this morning because honestly, my major why’s for what I planned was not for the scale. It was for all the reasons I listed above, a clear head, feeling good in my body and the confidence created by a plan well made and well followed.

All reactions:

11Shel Dammann, Christine Coulter Davis and 9 others

 More to share! (you can tell when Shawn is working the program!)

Iamma gunna tell ya how I got here first than give you my 'ah-ha' (I'll try to keep it short!)

I started planning again this week. AND I started writing down my WHYs (other than weight loss) for doing the four basics (really mostly about writing and following a plan - cause those are my trouble spots)

So, today I was getting that 'Friday Fuck it Feeling' and this was the conversation in my head

"I want a beer"

"No, I really want to keep up with this weight loss"

"I have a choice. I can choose a beer or I can chose lose weight"

"That's a sucky choice - no wonder I give up so often - what if I say fuck it to weight loss, who needs weight loss anyway?"

then I had a brain wave

"But, I made a plan NOT to have a beer tonight - so the choice is ACTUALLY, 'I can choose a beer - or I can choose to show respect for my past self who made this plan!'"

FIRE!!! I choose to show myself respect!

Below the fold info:

I write a plan so that I don't have to worry about for the rest of the day. Planning food keeps my long term goals in mind (health and fitness as well as weight)

Following my plan shows self respect. It strengthens my commitment muscle and my consistency muscle. It shows I care about my past self (who made the plan) and the future self who lives with the consequences of my choices

Food tastes better when I'm hungry. The first bite on a empty stomach is incredibly satisfying - each bite after that is less so until they aren't even 'worth' it. If I start already 'full' I'll miss that first oh so satisfying bite.

Stopping at enough makes it easier to digest, keeps me from being in discomfort. Eating more = more discomfort and food is less and less enjoyable to eat. Stopping at enough is honoring my body. It is self care. Stopping at enough means I can be hungry sooner and get the satisfaction of the 'first bite' again.

 zomg, ZOMG, ZOMG!!!

So, one of the things I've been working on is stopping at enough. Like others I've struggled with my enough signals and I realize that (for me...) most of the time it is because I eat too fast... and/or eat distracted and just mindlessly shovel food in my mouth until I hit bottom.

I've been working on ways to make mindful eating easier. and I found something that (so far) is working. it's an app called Slow Eats (I have an iphone and it cost less than $2) (So far I have also tested FINT --- was ok but didn't love it, Eat Slower -- didn't like it at all, In the Moment: was good for pausing before eating)

What you do is you set how long you want to go between bites and it will 'sound' or vibrate at that interval. This morning, since I'm at my desk eating while I work I set it to sound - no one would hear it but me. I set it to 30 seconds (will probably increase gradually).

it goes "Plonk" I take a bite and set my fork down.. then do other things for a bit (start reading an email etc). It goes "Plonk" I take another bite and do other things for a bit.. It goes "Plonk" repeat. Until it went "Plonk" and I didn't pick up my fork. it went "Plonk" again and I didn't pick up my fork.. after about the fourth time I realized... "Um... that must mean I've had enough!?"

Dude there is a LOT of food left behind!

I can't wait to continue to experiment with this!

 I’ve been toying with setting ‘real’ weight loss goals again and once again ALL the shit comes up. I’ve been doing this on a semi regular basis for a couple of years now. But, now, some of the things I’ve been telling myself to counter the old shitties are starting to feel like trueths. That’s progress!!

My company is having a celebration for it’s employees in Jan - a cruise in the Bahamas- it also happens to be my 55th birthday! So lately I’ve been asking myself “I wonder how much I could lose by then?” (I have another cruise in Feb - so triple the want to look and feel the best I can)

Earlier this weekI heard that same ol’ thought “well, if your going to lose weight, you better have a plan… time to clean out the cupboards, get out your calorie counter and cut out all the carbs… where’s my food list!”

Immediately, I felt the panic, the need to run away or fight. But then I asked that voice “WHY!? Why implement all these rules when I’m not even following the basics of all basic rules?? (Making and following a plan) how can I say that that won’t work, that it isn’t enough when I haven’t even bothered to be consistent enough to know?”

So, I’ve been making plans this week and assessing…and I’ve been journaling on why each of the basics is important (for more than weight loss)

But, I heard ‘the dictator’ loud and clear again this morning (i didn’t lose 10 pounds in three days after all )

“You are broken! You did all those stupid diets in the past and now you are broken. The only way for you to lose weight is to be deprived and desperately hungry - always. Also working out 2+ hours a day”

I had to take a deep breath and calm down. I realized I was giving myself two losing scenarios. Either starve or be overweight. And for about two years now I’ve chosen to just fix my thoughts about being overweight. It was ‘easier’

But, as I said, I’m starting to see the lies for what they are. Those are NOT my only choices!! Or to be more honest - I’m willing to say I don’t KNOW those are my only choices.

I may not be able to let go of all the fucked up thinking I have about weight loss. But can I just… make one small change and see what happens? If I don’t lose weight I haven’t hurt anything. I’m no worse off than I am today.

I know, this is a little (a lot) rambly. And maybe it’s because the things I’m learning are a little ‘no duh!’ Instead of big profound ‘New thinking’

Maybe I’m just trying to confirm for folks that yes, it is possible to think - to start to believe new thoughts. And even when you don’t the first 100 times… and it doesn’t feel like your making progress… you are. One day you’ll wake up and the dictator will scream at you “Today we’re going to eat 1000 calories and no carbs! If your serious about losing weight get serious!”

And your inner wild child will say “No! Fuck weight loss it’s more fun to be fat!!”

And you’ll tell them both “Hold on! There is another choice!”

And they will both go … “Oh! Yeah! Thanks for the reminder”

And you will physically feel the change in your body and realize they both believe you and believe in you and… it’s amazing.