Thursday, April 23, 2009

Feeling Guilty

April 4th I started a new diet. A Plan I found online called Medifast. (You might have heard of it, they are advertising EVERYWHERE right now.

I've been struggling since I started this new program. Not with the food, or with cravings or anything 'normal' like that, but with Guilt. I'm not even really sure where it comes from! I guess I kind of know where it comes from.

Over my years of dieting I've gradually been lead into the cult mentality that the best foods are whole, natural foods. And that weight loss should be done 'sensibly', through healthy foods and loads of exercise. That eating right should be about good health and not just dropping the pounds. It's also been drilled into me to never, ever, ever, under the penalty of permanently destroying your metabolism, and causing your internal organs to melt, should you drop below 1200 calories a day - period.

And yet, here I am on a diet that consists 99% of packed, preprocessed foods and that is consistently WELL below that magic 1200 calorie per day mark.

How do I reconcile these two things? I feel as if somehow I’ve given up - that I'm cheating and taking the easy way out...

Wait? The easy way out? .

Does that mean that I believe that dieting and weight loss has to be hard? .

When I think about it, I have to answer honestly that yes, there is some part of me that believes that losing weight has to be hard. That 'dieting' (the hard kind) is the price I pay for being fat. That by being on this plan where I'm not constantly arguing with myself to make the 'right choice', where I'm regularly passing the chocolate without a struggle, that somehow I'm not 'paying my dues' and there for it can't be real and can't last...

It's a strange concept to think about. I think I'm slowly starting to come to terms with these thoughts and feelings but not completely. One thing I've been doing to help is to keep my veggies in the 3+ cup range. I've also been toying with adding fruit back into my diet because leaving it out every day is a major source of guilt. .

Eventually, one of my life goals is to become a personal trainer. I love helping people change their lives through exercise, but I know that eventually someone's going to ask me for advice on how to lose weight. At this point, I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Do I advice them to go the 'healthy' route and perhaps struggle and fail the way I did? Or do I point them to MF as what worked for me? I guess I'll have to ask myself that question again, 100 lbs from now. .

Confused - but 15 lbs lighter

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