Tuesday, January 27, 2004

After the THIRD person (and the last being someone _I'm_ supposed to be mentoring) said "get off the scale" I'm going to do it. I actually desided to NOT get on the scale for a few weeks over the weekend... and then in my morning fog stepped on the scale this morning - duh!

Just to clear things up a bit - I DO know that I have to trust in my own hard work. The thing is, I KNOW I haven't been 100% - I suppose I use the scale, and the lack of progress that shows as a punishment. Sick and twisted I know. There was something else I realized while talking to my VGF Cory...

Feel free to skip this deep emotional insite if you wish! lol

You see, for years, basically 175 has been my goal... The ultimate measure of success.. Why? Well 175 represents every diet I ever failed. It represents 12+ years waisted in a distructive relationship. It represents a childhood lost to having babies and keeping house.

It shouldsn't but it does. and I don't know how to change that. No, being 175 won't make me 18 again. It won't give me back the self esteem that was eroded every time I 'got close' but didn't make it. It won't heal the scars from 12 years of abuse... logically I know this, but somehow in my heart I feel as if 175 is some sort of symble... a sign that I HAVE made it, that I have healed, matured and that I HAVE overcome.

I hate facing a problem that I don't have the answer to. This is one of them, but just because I don't have the answer doesn't mean that I can't keep moving, keep planning and keep doing good things for myself... And I'm going to step away from the scale... Overcoming - maturing and healing is so much more then a number on the scale. I know this - and I'm going to focus on that until my heart believes what my head knows....

Emotional Rant over!

So - I've been eating clean - Yesterday I needed to recover, mentally and emotionally so I have myself a day off - but today I WILL train. I'm going to keep FIRM in my mind how good it feels to workout, how strong and powerful it feels... Not to mention the great things it does for my body. My body responds well to excercise, so I need to take advantage of it.

One other thing I realized over the weekend is how much I REALLY miss running... That meditation time.. That time to focus on goals and think postive thoughts, always happened while I was running. I can't do that while trying to follow Billy Blanks on TV and I really can't do it while lifting wieights... When I'm running my body does what needs to be done and my mind is free. I need that.

Ok - that's probably enough blathering for me!

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