You know you are getting old when you can strain your wrist/thumb opening a jar... *sigh*

Anyway

For purposes of the following conversation we're going to define a 'binge' as any off plan eating.  It makes it easier/faster to type.

Last night I had the opportunity to analyze a potential binge.  Like really think about it.  I don't know why I was more introspective than usual.  Probably because my husband had asked me earlier in the day how I was doing and if there was anything he could do to help.  How am I doing? sucky.  How can he help? He can't... he doesn't understand why.

So.. I was heading home from chorus last night.  It was 11:00PM, I was tired and I had an hour's drive home.  I needed to stop for gas and my mind immediately went to junk food.  Mmmmm I should get a candy bar!  or some cupcakes... or or or

Since there was a bit of a drive to get to the gas station I started to think.  Why?  Why did I want to binge right now?  What emotions were I feeling?  I was tired, I was bored, I was anxious... tired from being up too late, bored when thinking of the long drive home and anxious about the long drive and how late it was and how tired I was going to be in the morning.  My mind wanted to be comforted and for some reason my lizard brain, as it was reacting to all those things, decided binging was just the soothing I needed.  Now... I don't know why my lizard brain always chooses food to try to soothe itself.  I'm not sure it matters.  But it was a strange moment, where a part of me was feeling the feelings while another part of my brain was picking them apart logically. 

I would love to say that introspective moment saved me from a binge.  It didn't.  What saved me was that the pumps were open but the inside of the store was closed - so no candy bars.  And guess what!? I lived.  Being tired, bored and anxious did not kill me.  In fact, after I drove away from the store and turned on my audiobook all those feelings went away.  Something I need to keep in mind.

I hope that in the future I can get to that place again - where I can stop and look at what I'm feeling and thinking an analyze it without judging it.  Just BE with what's going on in my brain and body, learn from it...  Who knows, maybe this is the start of something amazing.