Facebook reminded me of this quote by Brooke Castillo that I shared last year, "The misery we feel when we stop overeating is PART OF THE PROCESS and the reason we are overeating in the first place"

I needed that reminder!

Haven't binged in two days... even though there has been pastries in the office for 'breakfast' both days.  I've been making sure I have enough good hearty (on plan) food to eat each day and I've been happy with all my meals, not feeling deprived at all.  At the moment I'm concentrating on the TYPE of foods I'm eating rather than the quantity. I figure after I'm comfortable with dumping the sugar and other carbs from my diet I can add another layer and track actual quantities if I need to.

I've also gotten two days of cardio in (along with three days of weights) so I'm feeling pretty happy with how the week is heading.

Shots have been fired - The battle has been joined - Obesity is going to get it's ass kicked.

Another Week... another 0 lbs lost

My True weight is 279.2 - a weekly change of +0.1lb
Body Fat Average for the week is 146.96 - a weekly change of -0.36
I didn't track my blood pressure last week.  Will need to do it this week
Resting Heart Rate 77.05 - change of -1.8
Fasting Blood Sugar - haven't tracked this very well will start!

So, here's my retrospective notes for the week:

Keep Doing

1. Hitting the Gym!  I know this is good for me and I'm super proud of myself for being consistent for four weeks already!  Week five looks to be more of the same - keep getting stronger!

Stop Doing:

1.  don't stop for fast food on my way home.  I need to make sure that I've eaten enough and that there is enough food on my bag to make it through the entire day.  I'll save myself time/money and weight (and health) by not pulling through the drive through!
2. don't drink.  This has been a hard one for me... but I think I need to do it BECAUSE it is hard.  I associate alcohol with fun even more than food! AND I'm going away for the weekend to hang out with a bunch of rowdy women and one of our favorite things to do (cause hey no one has to drive...) is drink.  I know the empty calories + metabolism slowdown + lowered inhibition (which makes it easier to say yes to off plan food) is bad for me, so I'm going to give it up for a week and see how much a difference it makes on the scale.  One of the things that hit me when I was thinking about this is that I can still make and serve drinks and enjoy the pleasure of doing things for the people around me - without drinking myself - so, that's my plan for this week.

Do More of:

1. more cardio!  The change in my commute schedule is going to make this easier.  I can easily add cardio to the end of my daily workouts.  What I need to also add is a swim on Thursdays (when I work from home) and some cardio on the weekends.  I don't need to kill myself! Just get moving!

Do Less of:

1. Carbs - I really need to get back to the low carb and/or Ketogenic lifestyle.  I know it works but I have to apply myself.  Perhaps in a few months when I've got my metabolism straightened out and my blood sugars under better control I can relax and get a little more free with the diet, but until then I know that carbs do not do good things for me.

And... that's probably enough introspection for a monday! :)

You know you are getting old when you can strain your wrist/thumb opening a jar... *sigh*

Anyway

For purposes of the following conversation we're going to define a 'binge' as any off plan eating.  It makes it easier/faster to type.

Last night I had the opportunity to analyze a potential binge.  Like really think about it.  I don't know why I was more introspective than usual.  Probably because my husband had asked me earlier in the day how I was doing and if there was anything he could do to help.  How am I doing? sucky.  How can he help? He can't... he doesn't understand why.

So.. I was heading home from chorus last night.  It was 11:00PM, I was tired and I had an hour's drive home.  I needed to stop for gas and my mind immediately went to junk food.  Mmmmm I should get a candy bar!  or some cupcakes... or or or

Since there was a bit of a drive to get to the gas station I started to think.  Why?  Why did I want to binge right now?  What emotions were I feeling?  I was tired, I was bored, I was anxious... tired from being up too late, bored when thinking of the long drive home and anxious about the long drive and how late it was and how tired I was going to be in the morning.  My mind wanted to be comforted and for some reason my lizard brain, as it was reacting to all those things, decided binging was just the soothing I needed.  Now... I don't know why my lizard brain always chooses food to try to soothe itself.  I'm not sure it matters.  But it was a strange moment, where a part of me was feeling the feelings while another part of my brain was picking them apart logically. 

I would love to say that introspective moment saved me from a binge.  It didn't.  What saved me was that the pumps were open but the inside of the store was closed - so no candy bars.  And guess what!? I lived.  Being tired, bored and anxious did not kill me.  In fact, after I drove away from the store and turned on my audiobook all those feelings went away.  Something I need to keep in mind.

I hope that in the future I can get to that place again - where I can stop and look at what I'm feeling and thinking an analyze it without judging it.  Just BE with what's going on in my brain and body, learn from it...  Who knows, maybe this is the start of something amazing.

My work decided to pay for everyone (anyone who wants that is) to have a membership at the gym a block away. Although I already have a gym membership I signed up anyway to see if it made a difference in my commute. I normally get up at 5, go to the gym, shower etc and then leave the house at 6:30 so I can be to work at 9:30. It's not that it takes 3 hours to drive to work... but it could!

So today... I got up at 5, and drove into city city to the gym. I was parked by 7:15 and that gave me 2 and 1/2 hours to workout! (figured I should hit the shower by 8:45) What a difference!! It made my workout feel like a relaxing 'me focused' moment instead of a rush from one exercise to the next to try to be done in 30 minutes. Plus it gave me enough time to 'Wog' on the treadmill. I...Feel.. AMAZING!!

I think obesity is starting to stagger a little...

I’ve decided I’m no longer going to try to lose weight... instead I’m going to kick obesity’s a$$. That being said - obesity won the day yesterday. I baked, and the taste testing got a little out of hand... but, the baked goods are going into the office today and won’t be on the counter tempting me any more!

Here’s to round two! *ding*

I've been working on ideas of things to track that aren't weight loss since weight loss seems to be so difficult for me right now. I've come up with a few.  I'm calling them my KPI's  (Key Performance Indicator).

Here's the list I have so far.

Measurement	Frequency
Weight	Daily – weighted average
Body Fat	Weekly – weighted average
Measurements	Monthly
Blood Pressure	Daily-weighted average
Resting Heart Rate	Daily-weighted average
Fasted Blood Sugar	Daily (average for a month)
A1C	Quarterly
1Rep Max on: Squat OHP Deadlift Bench Press	Monthly
1 mile time	Monthly

I also want to track chronic pain as a measure but it's much more subjective... I'll have to think of the best way of doing that.

Monday I spent the day flipping between depressed and angry at my body. Not only was I weighing in UP two pounds from the week before but up four from my lowest on the week. No, my nutrition wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t to holiday splurge levels nor had I binged! I fought the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Then yesterday... more of the same and last night I binged to feel better...only I didn’t feel better I felt sick and even more disappointed in myself. Today I’m still feeling low, slightly sick, angry at myself for further detailing my progress and let down. The plan is to recover quickly. It’s not just a new day it’s a new minute. I still have Hawaii to look forward to. And one week’s lack of progress (even if it was the ‘first week’) isn’t going to keep me from looking and feeling better months from now - unless I allow that week to repeat over and over and over again.

On the plus side - despite feeling like crap physically and mentally o want to the gym and did my workout. I may be far but I’m strong and that counts for something!

It’s a new minute - time to make this one count!

A binge! Why do I punish my body for not losing weight by giving it too much food! It makes no sense. And yet here I am again!

I feel as though I'm beating my head against a brick wall here.  Eating even slightly off plan has be putting weight back on!  Although as it's often pointed out - perhaps my indiscretions were worse then I want to think I really have been eating 6-7000 calories over each day.  But I doubt it.  I really don't know what to do. I can't seem to get in the head space to be strict and anytime I slide... well I've already said what happens then.  I won't give up - I can't!  But it's not easy not to.

Last week was going well. Weight was going down I was feeling srrkmf and confident. Then I got a little less strict over the weekend and not only did I gain back the weight but I lost but two more pounds!!! It wasn’t like I went off the rails and hinges. I just had a piece of chocolate or a bun on my burger. What the heck!!  I hate this!

Dude at the gym totally pissed me off! He and his SO were hanging on the leg press talking when I started to do my squats. They were still on it - now arguing when I finished. I waited another minute and finally just walked up to them and asked how many sets they had left... The guy says he doesn't have any, but SHE might, he's not sure. (she never would answer me)

 He starts to walk away but then turns around and tells me, "There's a machine over there that does pretty much the same thing - it's more stable and easier for you. You should use that, it's easier."

Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm out of shape :| and your SO may be skinny but she's using just the sled with no weight (l lift 300+ lbs on it) so why don't you tell her to go use the other machine?! 

Now on to happier things - I'm ahead of goals in weight right now. (whoot!!) It's thursday which is normally when I start to hit the Danger zone for me so I'll need to keep my safe word top of mind (Hawaii) (I've been 'good' three whole days after all)

 Wait a minute! - I just had an inspiration. Words matter - and thoughts like "I've been good..." may not be the best thought for me. Because I'm a 'Rebel'.

Gretchen Ruben in her book "Better Than Before" talks about the four tendencies:

Upholders: respond readily to both outer expectations and inner expectations
Questioners: question all expectations, and will meet an expectation only if they believe it's justified
Obligers: respond readily to out expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations
Rebels (me): resist all expectation, outer and inner alike

 So, when I start using words like "I've been good" my rebel personality puts on it's leather jacket, black eyeliner, lights a cigarette and pushes the 'good' me into the bathroom and gives it a swirly...Then eats 10 doughnuts just to prove that no diet is the boss of me, I can do what I want!!

Hawaii!! I’ve kept the word top of mind constantly.

While I’ve had Time boxed goals like this before I’ve never thought to encapsulate that goal into a single word that I repeat over and over. At the moment, it’s working. I've managed to focus on a time/goal so fully that I made major changes before - for my wedding, so knew it could work for me by hadn’t found a way for that to happen yet. Let’s hope this is the breakthrough I needed.

I'm green on all goals today!

BTW - reset my goals as of Monday - may make this a monthly process.  In doing so I have new daily/weekly goals to reach my (max) goal of 175 for Hawaii.  As of today (day two) on on track to do that! heh :D

Well I've found a new trick... With plans of going to HI in September now in full swing, Whenever I am tempted with off plan food or to skip a workout I just think the word "Hawaii".  Currently, that's enough to push the feast beast back into it's cage.  80 lbs by Hawaii! Let's do this!

I'm behind... I'm so so behind on all my goals (6 pounds behind to be exact)! BUT I'm not giving up.  I'm staying focused and I have new motivation.  We're going to HI this year!!  A friend is turning 40 and invited all her friends to stay in HI to celebrate.  We're going in Sept so there's plenty of time to lose some weight and get in shape before hanging out on warm beaches and enjoying sunshine (and rain).  I should be able to fairly easily get below the weight I was last time I was in HI (245).  that's only thirty pounds in 7 months... Best deal would be to drop 70 lbs before then!  But to put us back in the "don't go crazy" department... 215 is my 'modest goal'.  anything better than that will be gravy.

To that end - I hit the gym this am and did a shoulder and bi workout.  Only issue there is that my right shoulder feels impinged and I'm in a lot of pain.  So, I'm making an appointment at my favorite massage company to see if I can get this worked out and continue to workout.

Still trying to figure out the cardio portion of my routine... maybe evenings?  though not getting home until 7:30 or 8:00 PM at night makes that difficult.

A new month, a new chance to lose weight! I’m going to do it this month!

Got nine hours of sleep last night! Feeling much much better! I worked from home for almost two years and got really used to sleeping ‘til 8 or 9AM. Now, because of my new job I have to leave the house at 6:40 and if I want to workout I have to get up at 5! This is a huge change for me! Luckily I get to work from home on Thursday’s so I can sleep in a little and catch up which is exactly what I did. Still going to the gym today. Leg day whoop!