Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Today I struggled

It all started yesterday really.

Two abdominal surgeries have left me with some scar tissue around my large intestine and if the plumbing isn't working correctly I'm in a lot of pain. Well for some reason yesterday I started having a LOT Of pain. Normally the kind of pain I'm in when I've eaten ice cream, but I haven't had ice cream or any dairy in a month. The only thing that's been new in my diet is that Sunday I was drinking a new electrolyte replacement -- guess I won't be having that again.
Still, I've been in pain before... no biggy.

But then later, I went to choir practice. We were informed that our director had been in the hospital and was awaiting test results back to find out if she has swine flu :

Generally I'm not a doom and gloom kind of person -- I would shrug this kind of thing off, but Tuesdays (today) I have a standing meeting with my boss who has a newborn baby at home. So I came home , and dashed off an email to him telling him I would be working from home to try to limit his exposure.

Now, my boss has pretty much given me permission to work from home whenever I need to, but that doesn't keep me from feeling guilty. I mean, yeah I get the same amount of work done at home.. but it just feels weird.

At 3:00 my boss asked if we could have our meeting via conference phone. So, I used my soft phone to call in. Only, I could hear them, but they couldn't hear me -- great. I fiddled with my laptop for a bit, trying to get it working and finally gave up. Next step, cell phone. Only my cell phone is on it's last leg AND I get crappy reception at my house. So there I am, walking around my front yard, holding the antenna in place (cause it's broken) and praying for my phone to work!

Finally I get through - they can hear me, and I can BARELY hear them. I get asked my opinion on something - only because I can't hear, I misunderstand and in front of my boss and my peers I go on a ramble about something completely off topic. When I finally realize what's happened it's too late. :(

An hour of straining to hear what's going on and I was so stressed I was vibrating! I get back to my computer and there's my husband asking if we're going to the gym. I just want to scream
And so, throughout the day... I keep finding myself pacing in the kitchen, or standing in front of the refrigerator taking inventory. Bah!

But I didn't eat anything. In fact, I didn't dwell on the food or that I was being 'bad'. But I did spend some time figuring out what was going on. When I acknowledged that what was driving me to the kitchen was stress, I felt a little better. When I reminded myself that falling off plan would only ADD stress to my life, not remove it - I felt strength and resolve very slowly coming back.

When hubby asked if we were going to workout tonight, I wanted nothing more then to continue sitting on the couch. On top of the stress, I had spent all day at home, and I've found that the old idiom a body at rest will stay at rest is very very true in my case. I didn't 'feel' like working out. I felt like sitting on the couch and eating an entire jar of peanut butter! But instead I told my husband, "I don't feel like going to the gym, I don't feel like working out, but I need to, and I'm going to do it anyway".

He said, "Good, get your butt dressed and ready, I'll see you at the gym at 6:30."

Honestly, making that statement didn't really help all that much. My butt was grumpy at having to leave the house. I was still in pain and still feeling stressed out from my day (and still no word on the swine flu). But I was determined to do it anyway.

I did my weight workout. I started cranky but each rep, each set, each exercise I started to feel a little bit better. By the time I left, while not on cloud nine - I was glad I had come.

Then when I got home I strapped on my headphones and grabbed the dog and went for a run. I didn't think about work, or weight loss or food or anything. I just ran and got sweaty and watched the dog enjoy getting out for a while. And you know what? Then I was glad I had done it all. I was glad I had done it anyway, and I felt good, and I felt motivated and I felt committed to my plan.

My guts aren't 100% just yet - but I think my head's in the right place again!

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