Monday, March 1, 2004

I'm fighting. Not cravings per se but, temptations. Everywhere I turn it seems there is something I would like to be eating, but 'can't'. I've managed to say no for a week now but really wonder how long I'll be able to hold out. In a way it's depressing. If I could just lock myself in my house and only look at 'autherized' foods I would be just fine. I really don't crave food anymore. But the minute I see something the urge to EAT comes over me. Before, I could put off those feelings and relieve them with a 'free day'. But, now... now I'm faced with forgoing those foods for a much longer stretch of time. I really wonder what has to change inside of me before I don't fear a trip to the store. In fact, I'm reminded of a question I asked a long time ago. Does it ever get easier? I expect it does and I sure hope it does, because I'm not sure I can keep this kind of intensity up indefinatly. I suppose that sounds fatalistic, but it's also completely honest. And it's only been a WEEK! Ha! I've also discovered that lingering in the back of my mind is fear. Fear of letting myself free of this uber strick regiem I've put myself on and having another major back slide. How to begin to put balance back into my life without letting 'just one' become 'just twenty'. Every time I think of easing back a little there I face that fear. But I know I'll have to eventually. I can't deny myself treats forever. Then the question becomes - when? I promised myself I would do this until I reached 175. A kick in the butt. A jump start into the next phase of weightloss - getting down to the 'before children' weights. But, then what? I can assure you that if/when I figure it all out I'll share it with you all...

No comments:

Post a Comment