Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Fiancé and I have been going through some ‘stuff’ lately. Nothing to do with ‘us’, just outside pressures putting a strain on us. He’s been frustrated about some stuff for about four months now and that’s made him cranky. I’ve tried to talk to him about it because when he’s cranky I start thinking there’s something wrong with ‘us’. Then he says, “There’s nothing wrong with ‘us’, but if you keep bugging me to talk about it, there will be.” Which sounds really harsh when written here, but in truth it wasn’t. So I go away, but the crankiness and withdrawal continues so I approach him again and ask, and get the same answer – only the withdrawal gets worse.

I’ve tried to be patient and understanding. After all, the last time he acted like this, working so hard to NOT talk about something that he quit talking to me at all, he was working up the nerve to propose. But last night it started getting unbearable. I felt like we were strangers living in the same house. He even fell asleep with his back to me and didn’t snuggle all night.

So, what does all this have to do with a fitness blog? Well… After last night I woke up this morning feeling horrible, emotionally heavy and sick to my stomach. I got up anyway. I didn’t feel like working out – heck I didn’t feel like doing anything but sit in the room with the lights off and the covers over my head. After all, the most important thing in my life seemed to be going horribly wrong. I went through the motions anyway. Drank my ‘juice’, changed my clothes loaded the car. About the only thing I couldn’t ‘force’ myself to do was eat. Nothing was better when I got to the gym – I kept having to keep myself from bursting into tears. But, I worked out anyway.

20 minutes on the recumbent bike for 3 miles.

And Arms… Normally arms don’t follow chest, legs do, but I’ve moved legs to the end of the week when I have a rest day from running… so I was worried that my arms would still be wiped out. I didn’t want to lift heavy things. I didn’t want to be there with the bright lights and the people and the narcissistic personal trainer prancing around the equipment. But I lifted anyway – I lifted heavy and I put everything into the iron.

EZ Bar Curl: 55 x 6 / 55 x 6
Alternating Dumbbell Curl: 25 x 6 / 25 x 6
Straight Bar Cable Curl: 85 x 6

Tri Overhead Extension: 55 x 6 / 55 x 6
Tri Pushdown: 105 x 6 / 105 x 6
Tri Kickbacks: 25 x 6

I didn’t feel better.

The rest of the story? I rushed through my shower and made it to the car as fast as I could. THEN I finally burst into tears. Fiancé was so shocked that he finally started talking to me. In the four years we’ve been together he’s maybe seen me really break down only once before and THAT was because of issues with the ex and the kids so to see me like this because of HIM… well that changed some stuff. We talked – we talked a lot. We made a plan to address his frustrations so HE started feeling better. We worked out that he’s not leaving me so I started feeling better…

The problem is – once I start crying, I can’t stop. Guess I better up my H2O intake today. *sniff*


  1. Oh man, what a bad way to start out a day, huh? I'm sorry it took you breaking down before he would talk to you. It's one of the things that frustrates me about men, that they attempt to lock everything up inside and thereby make you feel like you are the reason they are upset. I'm very glad to hear that you did talk it out, though.

    Sometimes we need a good cry, so let it out so you'll be done with it for tomorrow. :)

  2. Wow I can remember times like that with my ex gf as well. We had a hard time communicating about so many things in the end and it's a large part of what go me into BFL. I'm glad you both were able to talk and hopefully the next time you won't have to burst at the seams to get him to understand you're needing some attention and a little TLC despite what's making him cranky. I'm a man and I been on both sides of what you're going through so as a man that has been in your fiancee's shoes I apologize and as someone that's also been in your shoes I definitely relate. Hope your day gets better :)


  3. Jeremy,

    thanks for that perspective... I'm not normally the 'needy' type. As in 'pay attention to me ALWAYS' but after four months of this.. even a girl as independant as _I_ am gets a little nervous.

  4. Glad you two bucked-up and got it above board. :-)


  5. You know us guys can't have too many things on our minds at once, hence the intensity of our moods. Well in my case anyway. Glad things are getting a little better, and way to go on still being able to work out despite what you were ging through.

  6. Yeah, I'd get a little nervous with 4 months of that. Hell, 2 weeks and I'd be balling and screaming TALK TO ME!!! I'm sorry you are so blue today and I hope it's the start of some resolution with what's going on with you two. xo

  7. lol zooman - probably something to do with it.