Friday, December 19, 2003

I’ve been at my current weight four other times in my adult life. Once - I was 19 and had just had my first baby. I was NOT happy about it then, but somehow with working full time, taking care a new husband, and taking care of a new baby, I didn't have time to pay attention. After my second child was born I was even MORE horrified to find I was now 207. I joined WW and within a few months I was down to 177. I was fitting into size 14 and sometimes a 12, It's was easy to feel good. I started to look around and realize ... "I've average!". And average feelt pretty darn good after spending so much time morbidly obese. But, that 'happy to be average' feeling is dangerous! This was the first time I dealt with the.. "I'm happy to be average" syndrome. Men were paying attention to me more then ANY other point in my life. I was happy, I was strong, I was ... having marital troubles and dealing with a husband who didn't appreciate the changes that I had made. So I ignored myself again... let it slide; said "I'm happy with average" only to find myself after my third child weighing 230 lbs. (or more) This time the weight loss was slow. I didn't have a specific program that I followed or a support group, I just did what 'felt' right at the time. I got to 180 and hung in there. This time when the husband started his 'crap' Instead of ignoring myself I ignored him! Needless to say, a divorce ensued and I found myself 177ish, single and once again "happy to be average". This time I hung on a bit longer, and caught it sooner when my weight started to creep back up. I had found a man who loved me, nurtured me and made me happy and when my weight got into the high 180's I quickly started ediets and once again, I got into the 177 range, size 14/12 and very comfortably 'average'. I quit making progress, and soon I had quit. Then came surgery and an unexplained weight gain... once AGAIN I was on the wrong side of 200 (203) and I finally decided.. "This is for life!" I've taken control and I've fought my way BACK to below 180 and comfortable in a size 14 pair of jeans...

This is why I continue to set goals, why I try not to let my 'success' side track me. Why I'm not saying "It's the holiday's have a piece of chocolate"... I want better then 'average' for me and for those around me. I don't settle for 'average' in anything else I do... not love, not my job, not life... why should I settle in my health and appearance?

Yes, we should enjoy our progress, be happy with how far we've come... but realize the journey isn't finished. If fact it never SHOULD be finished!

I guess I just need to put this down... more for myself then anything. To make concrete in my mind why I sit and eat my salad while everyone around me wolfs down See's Candy...

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