Thursday, December 4, 2003

I've been struggling with focus of late. The colors on my calander make that obvious :) I think I figured out part of my problem. I've been setting goals, thinking ahead, looking forward and toward the days to come and actually starting to BELIEVE I can reach those goals. All good things, but I've been forgetting to also live in the moment. To wake up and each and every day choose to loose THAT day. I need to create a sign to put up, somewhere in my house that reads "today I choose to lose". Because THAT's the choice that I need to make each time I faced with a decision. Do I have those cookies - or do I choose to lose? Do I skip my workout - or do I choose to lose? Although my ultimate goals are a long way off, it's the choices I make DAILY that are going to make those goals happen. If I don't choose to focus on what I can do today, 2004 is going to end up like every other year... October, November, December will roll around and I'll still be fighting the same 50 lbs! To tell you the truth I'm SO looking forward to the days when I can be fighting those last subborn 5 lbs!

I'm starting to worry that at 2200 calories I'm hitting my metobolic limit, though I realize that after the week I had last week I need to give my body some time to settle. My problem is I don't know myself well enough I feel as if I can rightly judge what's happening. It may be my imagination but I feel as if I'm filling my clothes out a little more, and I DON'T like that. I'm giving it some time (no knee jerk reations here). Going to give my body the chance to burn off the turkey fest! It's also TOM so THAT could be adding to these feelings.

I know I haven't been very positive or uplifting of late (or at least I don't feel that way) but I have to be honest both with you and myself. I need to get to the bottom of what's going on here so I can move on and move up (down?). Even if I could manage to lose 2 lbs a week (something that's not happened yet) starting today, it would be the end of May before I would hit my goal of 130. That's a lot of months of making choices and staying on track. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW this can happen and I know I'm capable of doing it, but it's going to take more work then I'm used to doing, and it's going to mean making sacrifices now and then. It's going to mean learning a lot about myself... maybe even things I don't like all that much. But I find out exactly what I'm made of!

While we're finishing the Body Blog Blast I feel that sense of accomplishment and yet that urgency that there is so much more to do. It's like preparing for a long journey. You pack, you plan you pile everything into the car and yet set off. Yes you ARE on your way and that's a good thing, but there is a lot of road ahead of you. That's the way I feel, I've packed the car, I'm on the road. Now I have to deside if I'm going to drive as fast as I can toward my destination, go through the night and perhaps arrive exhausted. Or, I could take the scenic route, see the sights explore side streets.... Then there's the danger of getting hopelessly lost and never arriving! Lately I've been on one of those side streets....

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