Friday, January 7, 2005

I was reading a post of a fellow 'transformer' and she had created a list of questions she asked herself all the time. I took the list, personalized it a little and added my own answers.

I took your questions and personalized them for me. Only because I have asked these things so often myself and I though it would be good for me. I hope you don't mind.

Why do you feel like you will have issues with your weight for your entire life?

I feel like I will have issues with my weight my entire life because deep inside, I know that I will have to deal with my food addiction EVERY day. The same way an alcoholic or other addict does. The only thing that means is that what every changes I make to lose weight now, will be changes I will have to be able to keep – for life! I can not fall into the trap that I will one day be in ‘ maintenance mode’. Every time I start to get that mentality, I gain again. Instead I have to convince myself that I will ALWAYS be setting and reaching goals. Anything that’s not moving forward is getting stagnant and I DON’T want to get stagnant.

Why do you feel like even if you lose weight you will find something to be unhappy about?

I know, from looking deep within myself and from talking to other people that losing weight is not the answer to all my problems. In fact, the only problem I can solve by being thin is the problem of being overweight. And even thin there may be things about my body I still don’t like. I have a heavy jaw and my eyebrows don’t arch – does that mean I shouldn’t lose weight? No. While a hefty portion of weight loss is about vanity and looking good. Another part is about being healthy and fit. That’s why I should do it, even if I can’t be ‘perfect’

Why do you look at people who have lost weight and feel jealous inside and am not as encouraging as you could be. Is it because you are mad inside that its not you?

I think the question is already answered. I spend a lot of time hating myself. A healthy mind rejects those feelings and to help ease them starts to project them on others. So when I see someone else who has lost weight it much easier for my mind and my pride to think evil things about them, then to realize that with hard work, “That could be me!” I’ve tried to work on this over the years. I’m getting closer to the point that I can look at someone’s who’s lost weight and think – If they have done it so can I!

Why do you look at people who are heavier than you and rationalize with myself that "at least im not that big, it could be worse"

These thoughts are much like what I spoke on before. I can make myself hate myself less when I see someone else who ‘worse’ off then me. What was humbling to me was the day I said, “Hey at least I’m not THAT big” and my fiancĂ© just looked at me. It was then I realized that I WAS that big and if I didn’t do something about it, I would continue down the long spiral to obesity and eventually end of one of those women who couldn’t get out of her house.

Why do you try and blame your weight on being bloated, or having IBS, or being on your period?

Again, the same reasons as before. My psyche doesn’t like me hating myself. So let’s deflect and defuse. I’ll hate my period instead – or blame other health issues. What really has to happen though, is that I need to stop hating and start LOVING myself enough to make a change!

Why do you look at in shape people and find reasons to put them down??

Ditto ;)

Why do you let your relationship with your boyfriend and your intimacy suffer because you are not happy with your weight?

It’s hard to love someone when you’re holding so much self-loathing inside. What I have to do is realize I’m not a ‘bad’ person. I’m an overweight person. At least ‘fat’ I can change. Overall I’m a nice person, and I deserve love and affection despite my weight. What I finally came to realize is that this person I loved deserved to have someone who was fit and healthy and who would be around to love him for a very long time. AND that he deserved the BEST of me fat or skinny.

Why do you buy endless fitness magazines and healthy food and always manage to either gain weight or stay exactly the same?

I buy fitness magazines often to ‘find the answer’. Maybe this one will contain the magic exercise, the perfect phase, the motivating factor that will make it all come together and HAPPEN. But none of it does unless I get up and DO some of it. The motivation for THAT has to come from within.

Why do you even bother to write down goals if you never follow them?

Because not setting goals means giving up hope. That I NEVER do. Hope and determination will always be my constant companions.

Why do you have all this workout equipment and clothes that just collect dust all the time?

For the same reason I always buy fitness magazines. The thought that maybe a new pair of yoga pants will make me get up in the morning. That having a treadmill at home will take away some of my excuses. That the new weight machine will get me lifting three times a week like I should.

Why is it that EVERY single day of your life you have to have some sort of issue with your weight or what you’re eating?!?!

Because I don’t always realize that the world is bigger then just me. I tend to look inside myself too often and too long until the focus of my existence becomes ME. Then I have to take a microscope to everything I am and everything I do. And usually it means that I have to take issue with it. And then – because I’m an emotional eater I sooth my issues with food. Or, I try to use iron clad will power to make the food ‘MIND’. The food isn’t ‘bad’ just the way I deal with it. When I can cure the disease – THEN the symptoms will go away.

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