262!  Lowest weight in a long long time!!

I am finally getting a return on my investment!  Weight has dropped and is staying off.  Things are feeling 'easy'.  It's like all the parts of "me" are on the same page.  Add on top of this that I just started my period.  So, the lack of weight loss last week is explained.

So, a little less then a month I've lost 5.4 pounds.  Not blazingly fast weight loss, but it's loss, and what's even better... I managed to put and and wear my wedding ring!  Hooray for small miracles.

It's been a month. I've made progress food wise but it's not showing on the scale yet and that's frustrating. I'm trying to avoid taking drastic measures but when your body doesn't respond to normal measures, what else can you do?

Am I really that broken?

Progress - it’s been frustrating.  I started at 268.8 and have seen 265.7 (the first week) but have been bouncing between those two numbers ever since.  I’m not looking for much but just a .5 lb would be welcome.  Something that shows that what I’m doing is making a difference.  

I know how fat I am, but seeing my photos was really a sucker punch.  My inner dictator is stomping around screaming, yelling and waving her whip. Telling me I better do something. At the same time, there’s another part of me that feels like it’s being beaten into submission (or is about to be) and simple thought of doing something like giving up cheese (even for a day or two) is making it curl up in a corner and whimper.  

*Deep Breath* Ok, I’m going to look at this from a less dramatic perspective, less polarization.  The dictator doesn’t have to be that - it can be a strict but loving mother who wants what’s best for me.  And the wild thing isn’t a helpless voiceless animal,  It’s the inner toddler that just needs a little guidance in accepting what’s good for it.  And both these things are ME and I’m in control of me.  

I’m past my little melt down from last night and able to think a little more clearly.  I got some insight that really gave me something to chew on.  If I had asked myself “am I ok in this moment?” I would have said, “No” and if I had asked “Will indulging add anything to my happiness?” I probably would have said yes.  So, I ask myself… why?  And the answer was, I really wasn’t having fun.  And not eating or drinking wasn’t the reason why - it’s just my normal way of covering up in situations like that.  

I’m an extrovert, but a socially awkward one. I love being around people and enjoying their company but yesterday was one of those situations where the layout of the space and the variety of the people left me uncomfortable, I didn’t know what to say - or how to engage.  I couldn’t figure out where to sit. I kept (subconsciously) worrying that there was something fun and interesting happening in the room I wasn’t in.

Food (and alcohol) normally gives me a way to ease my anxiety and also gives me a way to extract pleasure from a situation that I’m not finding very pleasurable. So, when I couldn’t indulge in my favorite mind numbing activities, the anxiety kept building and the longer I sat there the less fun I was having and the more I was craving the ‘bad’ stuff.

One other interesting note… I normally wear something unusual (and self made) to these parties.  It grabs attention and works as an icebreaker around people I don’t know.  I like getting attention but don’t like being loud and obnoxious to get it, so I use clothing and my pink hair as that catalyst.  Yesterday I dressed pretty casually and I think that added to my unease… something to think about at least.

PS:  As the day wore on I became thankful that I was able to wake up this morning not feeling gross, bloated and mildly hung over - so another reason to feel good about how yesterday went.

So, I did the party and stayed true to my goals, but it was hard.  Watching everyone else eat, drink and be merry was difficult and in the end I got tired of arguing with my inner toddler and I went home early (I’m normally the last one to leave any party). The whole thing made me a little cranky and I came home feeling tired and grumpy instead of happy and energized like I normally am.  I tried telling myself, “You should be proud of yourself”  but I didn’t feel accomplished.

The little brat in my brain kept saying - why can’t I just enjoy myself like everyone else?  But I thought about it a little bit more.  One of my friends is ‘naturally thin’  and I started thinking about what she ate and drank at the party.  She didn’t sit and eat a bowl of chips.  She didn’t have two plates of meat and sides.  She had one small drink all night and passed on the cupcakes later.  Of all the people there she’s the one I would most like to look like and she didn’t spend the evening focused on the food and drink.

That, at least, helped me to feel a little less bitter, though I am still tired and grumpy.  

Re: drinking with friends - this is something I need to figure out.  I have a few groups of friends and all of them, when we hang out, it involves food and/or alcohol.  The food is pretty easy because I normally bring something over and can make sure that there’s something I love there (though passing up sweets is sometimes a struggle - if there’s more than one I want to taste them all) But, since I don’t drink soda anymore I’ve found it much harder to pass on alcohol. - not to mention I actually love the taste of booze :D  My plan for the next party (which is Sunday) is to take some bubbly water with me so I have something to sip on and hold in my hand.  Maybe the next bar outing I can try sparkling water too (they almost always have it there).  But - I have to admit that it feels a little like deprivation.  

BUT - while sitting here thinking about it.  Hauling around this body is also depriving me - so which is more painful? The $30,000 question that is.

Wasn’t hungry all day it was strange. There wasn’t anything in the house I really wanted to eat - so I didn’t.  Finally ate something at 5:00 because I was leaving the house and didn’t want to get caught out and not knowing what my choices would be, but just never really worked up an appetite.

Ended up going out with friends later in the night - Had three drinks while at karaoke. This was more then my 'allowed' 1 and it frustrated me a little. Both in that I had more then I had agreed to have and in that I couldn't just cut loose and have more.

But there is victory in that... I would have normally probably had 6 drinks on a night out like that and yet I limited myself to three! So here's to progress even if I'm not seeing it on the scale just yet.

Did my measurements yesterday was a little bummed to see that I’ve actually put on two inches on both my waist and hips in the past few months, but that was in the past, focusing on what I’m doing now, now what I can’t change from before.  

Looking forward to the three day weekend! I plan on spending some of it find some more/new ‘go-to’ foods I love.

Still struggling a little against my inner dictator - wanting to impose more rules and see more/faster results.  Regularly reminding myself that it didn’t work in the past and to give this new approach a chance.

One thing that my coach said that (finally) sunk in with me today was "Eat foods you LOVE"

So at lunch I reminded myself that I don't LOVE salads.  I looked around the kitchen for food I loved and that's what I ate.  I need to start a list of foods I love that are in the boundaries of my new eating program.

The goal for this week is Meat and Veg for three meals and a limit of one 'indulgence' at/around dinner.

Sounds pretty easy and yet I expect there will be times I will struggle.  #1 being on Sunday when I have a birthday party to go to.

After a weekend camping... I feel skinny!

Last week the plan was just to write everything I ate.  I did that and it was a strange experience.  After years and years of logging to discover how many calories and/or micronutrients I was eating to not have that immediate feedback that I was being 'good' or 'bad' was scary at first - then it became liberating.

The best part was that even though I wasn't eating 'for the scale' I still managed to drop 3 lbs last week! I'll take that.

I don't expect that to continue necessarily, and my coach says that as we work through this I may only drop .5 to 1 lbs a week moving forward.  That causes me a little anxiety, but honestly I've tried the extreme weight-loss before and it's never worked for me, so let's give this slow and steady thing a try.

This week my goal is to each protein, fat and fiber (only) through lunch (around noon - though I often eat lunch late).  I had already mastered a low carb breakfast so we were able to up my goal to low carb lunch.  Yesterday was the first day of that, and today, day two and so far so good.

The only issue I have is not getting down on myself for not being 100% 'good' and super strict the whole day -- but as I said before, I've done that in the past, it never lasts.  So why keep trying to do the same exact thing and expect different results!?

So, I'm practicing patients and trying to do better listening to my body.

This coaching wcmxpieriance Ahmad been interesting.

It's not about making a plan that's super strict and then using my coach as a whip my dictator can use to make the wild child comply. 

It's about slowly and personally changing my habits. About killing the diet mindset. About losing the weight perminatly and easily. And I'm really having trouble wrapping my brain around this. 

How can I lose weight if I don't have a million rules to follow? How can I drop the pounds without spending every waking minute not at work in the gym or doing some other workout?

But, I've decided to trust the process. 

This week has been about writing down everything I eat. Even just this simple task has been difficult sometimes. To eat and write down what I eat without the food being 'good' or 'bad' is so far from what is normal for me. It's freeing and terrifying at the same time. I'm excited to see what comes next though I won't have new instructions until Tuesday. Until then I'll just keep on eating and writing it down and learning more and more about myself every day. 

Well I've done it!

After much research and soul searching, I've hired a weight loss coach!  And what a coach she is!

I had a few requirements

1) Someone who had been overweight and REALLY understood the struggle.

     Check!  She's lost 130 to 140 lbs and knows what it's like to battle against your own body and mind to try and drop the weight.

2) Someone who wasn't going to try to feed me a low fat diet.

     Check!  She's actually a voice in a Primal/Paleo community and is a firm believer in the quality of food being as important as the quantity.

3)  Someone who was willing to be a source of accountability (and had a method in place to do this)

    Check!  I had tried 'passive' coaching in the past and it just didn't work for me.  When the going gets tough I stop checking in.  My new coach has a system that requires my feedback (and hers) every day!!

So who is this person paragon of virtue who's going to support, encourage and kick my butt?

It's Elizabeth Benton over at Primal Potential - and I couldn't be more excited!  We started working together on Tuesday and I've already been blown away by what I'm learning about myself.  I feel strong, I feel motivated and I feel ready to finally DO THIS!

One thing that's already come bubbling up for me is how much my new job has been effecting my mood (and my mood effects my eating).  I've been borderline depressed for months now -- and from experience this is caused by feeling trapped.  And boy do I feel trapped by my new job!

Just a few months ago (in April)  The job I really liked, enjoyed filled with people I enjoyed working with, fell apart.  First my boss (who I loved) quit and a few weeks later the company closed it's doors. "Luckily" another VERY LARGE company swooped in and picked up all the people who had worked for my small, dynamic and fun company; then swallowed them whole.  They paid us all a lot of money for the privileged of hiring us and it seemed like a silver lining to the dark cloud that had just dumped on us.

My job since then has been mind numbing, boring, sometimes frustrating and unfulfilling.  I lost that sense of contributing that makes coming into work 'worth it'.  It's gotten harder and harder to get out of bed and face the day.  And I feel trapped because of the the 'golden handcuffs' of great pay and even better benefits.  But... thanks to my coach I've been more aware of this.  When I started documenting my mood for the day it because crystal clear to me that this feeling of being trapped was overwhelming me and tainting a great deal of my life.

Then this morning, when I pulled into the parking lot and faced the building once again I started thinking.  I'm feeling depressed because I feel trapped, but, am I really?  I mean really really?  No, I'm not.  I could not show up to work today if I wanted to.  I could look for another job.  I could confront my boss and tell him, listen here!...

Suddenly my whole attitude changed.  I was here because I chose to be.  No one was making me do this and I either needed to accept that I was here by choice, or leave.  And weirdly enough, removing that sense of resentment made me speak up in a meeting today which got my bosses attention.  He called me into a meeting. I was able to confidently tell him about the things I saw that were going wrong and how I would fix them.  I talked, he listened and APPROVED and asked me to document the changes so we could implement them. So, now, not only do I have a job that will support me now and in the future, but one that fulfills my other needs as well.

But.. I still have that amazing sense that I'm here because I CHOOSE to be!

There's a part of me that wonders if this was just a lesson that God wanted me to learn.  That I am in control of my life and when I realize that.  Good things happen.

I'm looking into another weight loss coach. It's what helped me in the past. I'm interviewing one on Tuesday and I'm really excited by the possibilities. Finger's crossed that all goes well. 

The going has been rough for me this week.  It's brought to light for me just how much of a food addict I've become.  It's reinforced for me how much I rely on food for the 'pleasure' in my life.  I'm sad right now because I can't have a cupcake, and even more sad that I think I need a cupcake to be happy...  There's nothing wrong with my life!  I have an amazing husband, live in a good house, have great friends - so why does the removal of a few kinds of food leave me feeling bleak and unfulfilled?

Well the easy answer is that I feel bleak and unfulfilled and try to stuff the square peg of food into that round hole of... whatever this emotion is... I guess I'll call it the blahs...or no... inertia.. or  I don't know 'the feeling that has no name'

Another issue I have is spiraling.  I feel bad, realize that I feel bad, start wondering "What is wrong with me? why do I feel bad - I shouldn't feel bad!" and it just makes it worse.

Actually, as I type this, acknowledging my feelings has made things a bit better.  Writing them down and thinking them through, even when not 100% figuring them all out, has helped.  A friend, who struggles with an alcohol addiction, has suggested I see a therapist.  He's probably right.  I may have to consider it.

Until then, here some other things I've learned... stuffing this restlessness - getting almost 100% of the pleasure in my life from food has had a huge impact.  Since I moved to (where I live now) at the end of 2009 (I think that's when I moved)  I have gained..... 80 lbs!!!!

That's just insane to me!  

And to think... if I can figure out this 'simple' thing.  Why do I feel restless and unfullfilled... and stop trying to find all my pleasure in food...I could finally be done with this weight loss thing and have a healthy fit body (not to mention sexy!)

 

I have good news!  That burst of motivation I got earlier this week... It stuck!

I've lost 5.3 pounds this week and that's not all. I've kept to my food plan including a free day where I ate whatever I wanted (which surprisingly wasn't much) then today I got right back on track without a single twinge of the feast beast. 

I also did three running workouts - the first three days of my couch to 10k program AND I did a (short) bike ride today. It felt so good to be pleasantly physically tired today!  What was funny is that I feel like one lost 10 pounds today. Maybe not physically but certainly mentally. That voice that's been telling me 'you can't do this' is quite and I feel fast, strong and able to do anything in this moment. 

And these berries I'm eating for dessert are yummy!! And feel fantastic in my body!

Something clicked yesterday and I got a little excited. 

It started with a post by Tim Ferris about people losing 100+ pounds on his 'slow carb' protocol. It was an inspiring read so I went back to my '4 hour body' book and reread the slow carb chapter. 

The plan just has a few simple most of which didn't phase me. A few though brought up some interesting thoughts:

Rule one: don't eat anything white... This isn't really a surprise rule for me. Low carb and paleo both also have this rule. No wheat, rice, sugar, potatoes etc. and though I've tried - cause I know this is how I best lose weight. I've had real issue with compliance.  As soon as I think about giving something up 100% my wild child and feast beast start making all kinds of noise!

but...there is rule 5: take one day off and go nuts!  Asy feast beast starts to go through the list of 'forbidden foods' that we 'can't live without'. I fall back of the free day. "we can have those things on Saturday" I tell it. And it starts to calm down. Like magic!

Of corse then my dictator starts to snap it's whip and get noisy. "Free days wiill slow your progress". She yells. "You have to be more strict!"  

But then a thought comes to me and I remind her that with no free days I've haven't been compliant at all, and that has got me losing 0 pounds. In fact I've even been GAINING weight.  So how could a free day be any worse then that!  

The dictator seems to have accepted that and that has me excited and feeling hopeful. 

On the exercise front. I didn't get to the gym yesterday morning, but I did finally go for a run. I found a training plan for couch to 10k that I really like and I started last night. The run was 1 minute run/2 minute walk repeated 8 times. I managed to run/walk almost 2 miles in less then 35 minutes. That's pretty good for a 270 lb woman if you ask me. I also tried the "7 minutes in hell" workout from the carrot iPhone ap (I'll have to talk about that more later) and it was fun and quite the workout. Pointed out how out of shape (and heavy) I am. Body weight exercises were tougher then any weight training I've done recently. 

So I woke up this morning with a plan and feeling positive. That hasn't happened in a long long time. 

I've been trying to tracky cravings a little closer of late. Trying to figure out when I'm at my weakest. When (and why) I binge. Although I don't have all the answers yet I have found that getting in my car to drive somewhere (anywhere) makes me think about food. Maybe it's just habit - but I really need to figure this out. Considering I spend a LOT of hours in my car -alone- it could have a lot to do with my weight gain over the past few years. I minute I get in my car and turn it on my Brian starts thinking about where on the way I can stop and get food. It doesn't matter if I just ate something either. Then when I do stop I tend to get into that 'Last Supper' mentality. I stopped this time, but I'm never doing this again so I better eat EVERYTHING I can get my hands on. Im guessing you can see why this would be a problem. 

I think if I can figure this out and break this one habit it'll go a long way to helping me win the food battle. And I'll finally be on my way to losing some weight. 

So, yeah...

Where am I?

Still at the heaviest of my life... new 'heaviest' was this Monday - almost 270.

The longest I seem to be able to stay on a diet plan is three days, but honestly just sticking 24 hours is a struggle.

None of the diets, or non-diets I've tried/am trying seem to be 'the one'.  I have to believe that there is 'one' out there that will work.  There has to be!

This week I'm not really working inside any rules per se, but thinking a lot.  Or maybe even just thinking about thinking about it - but that's a step.

I gave myself a goal to blog more. Maybe this will help me work through this slump.  Blogging + momentum seem to have gone hand in hand in the past, though I suspect it's more about 'blogging when I'm on a roll' then 'blogging is causing me to be on a roll'.  But hey, I'm willing to give anything a shot at this point.

Checking in

So my new 'Modified' food plan went ok, for about three days.  But it has done the job of giving me hope.  I've been moving closer and closer to real change.  At least that's what it feels like.  Friday I made some real commitments to my fitness as well as weight loss (I've signed up for some Triathlons) and I took action two days in a row!

Yesterday I went for a 5 mile walk in the morning, and today I went for a 17 mile bike ride.  It's not an Iron Man :D  but I feel like they were both big steps in the right direction.

I'm also focusing heavily on the mental side of weight loss.  I've got a check list of daily activities including reading my "Reasons to lose weight", working through 100 Days of weight loss and doing all the activities from the Beck Diet Solution for the next 42 days.  That means blogging more often too.

So - expect to hearing from me more often!

The Plan

Yes I know I'm posting three times in one day - within a few hours of each other -- but this is my brain working/healing and you get to see it.  Lucky you!!

In order to know when to tell the feast beast "No" there have to be some house rules (No peeing on the carpet you!)

Low Carb - I like how I feel when I'm eating a reasonable low carb diet.  So, my goal is 50G of carbs a day

Reasonable Calories - I don't want this to be a "Eat all the cheese and bacon that you can" deal so calories are based on BMR and a goal of 1.5 lbs a week loss.

My inner dictator (we haven't talked about her much - she looks like this

yeah, she's a sexy bitch that's why I like her so much) wants this to be 2 or 3 lbs a week but we'll ignore her for now, she needs to learn to compromise more.

Now, the wild child is starting to get restless the feast beast is growling- I can hear her say, "But then we'll never get to have any fun!"

and so I'll add...

One meal a week is a 'free meal'  calories still count but carbs are out the window (the rest of the day has to be under 50 G though) HOWEVER - the Calories over goal need to be earned w/excercise and Free meals are ONLY on the weekends.

I know that fun can be had without food - but food is a big part of our lives and it's silly and shortsighted to deny it until I can find reliable substitute - I'll know I've found it when the free meal isn't important any more.

then next objections start..."But what if there's cake! I want to taste the cake! Or, if we go out to dinner or or or..."

So there's to answers to that. Like take the cake home and save it for the weekend, but  if you want to taste the cake then we'll allow that - here's the rule 50 'free' carbs a day.  If you're good at math you'll see that the 'original' 50G + this 'free' 50G = 100G of carbs a day - totally in the healthy range for weight loss!  And who's to say I'll need that free 50 every day!?

I'm doing another mental check right now and I have to say everyone's pretty quiet.  The little dictator has stopped pacing around screaming "Ve must have orda" and the wild child and her beast sitting are quietly, not trusting me yet, but not growling or lashing out either.

Alrighty then -- let's talk about the last part of my psyche - The Blerch

I wish I could say he was something I invented, but he's the invention of "The Oatmeal"  

The Blerch is that voice that keeps you from exercising.  He says things like "Let's sleep in again today.  I'm sure you earned it somehow".  He's the one who tells me to slow down, to walk, to quit.. to not start exercising at all! (you can see more about The Blerch and the book about him here:  http://theoatmeal.com/blog/blerch_book

I know he's different from the wild child and the dictator.  The wild child loves running and picking up heavy things.  The dictator wants to be strong and swift and dangerous.  So how is it, that it's two (three) against one and The Blerch continue to win?  I think it's because The Blerch represents inertia and inertia is a hard thing to over come.  

Initial searches on inertia brings up things like "Exercise resistance" and dealing with thoughts and feelings.  To that the Dictator starts lashing her whip and muttering "Did that hurt your widdle feelings? just fucking do it!" the wild child starts whimpering in the corner and feast beast starts gnashing his teeth and telling me I need a doughnut.  Hmm is that why The Blerch always wins?  He tells them all to just sit here on this comfy couch, watch TV and he'll go grab some popcorn.

I tell them all to "Shut Up!" and I keep reading.  No, I haven't found the answer yet, but let's tackle one thing at a time right now.  Maybe as I clear the struggle with food from my brain a solution to the Blerch will start to raise it's head as well.  

Oh and I'm going to bury here at the bottom of this post the fact that -- I now weigh 262 lbs -- that's Biggest Loser candidate weight right there.  It's way past time for a change.

What's that voice?

More thinking - more thoughts spinning in my head, but they are starting to line up a little in my head.

I think on top of everything else that's 'wrong' with me... I'm suffering from "too much information"

In George Leonard's book "Mastery, The Key's to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment" He talks about picking an instructor - my issue, I have too many instructors and their advice is often contradictory -- and I'm not talking about nutritional advice either.  (I'm pretty certain what a solid nutrition plan actually looks like)  But the HOW of dieting is under dispute.  For example:

1. Dieting is will power - Just do it and here's the plan
2. Dieting is a matter of setting goals and working through some steps (similar to will power but normally with better focus) - read affirmations, be kind to yourself etc
3. Dieting is a matter of balance - everything in moderation - eat what you want when you want and it'll all turn out right in the end (the anti-diet diet) 
4. Dieting is a matter of getting right with that voice in your head that drives you to eat - then follow your plan or non-plan as the case might be.

Lately I've been falling into camp number four though I swing between 1 and 4 quite often when the voice in my head doesn't pay attention and keeps eating.

But even in camp four there's disagreement.  After all, what is that voice?  \

1. Is it a "Feast Beast" a mindless lizard brain that needs to be locked away?  AKA the addictive voice.
2. Is it my Inner Child and she's just gotten a little too bratty?  I just need to distract her with shiny things, Love her, tell her nice things until she starts to cooperate?
3. Or is it my Wild Child - a combination of the above two - A slightly irrational creature that needs to be indulged in some way because if I try to cage her eventually she'll break out and I'll eat the entire stay puff marshmallow man in one sitting?

 Short answer... I don't fucking know.  Lately I've wanted it to be #1 because it's "easiest".  If that 'thing' that makes me want to eat is just the lizard brain panicing over some irrational primordial fear and I can just ignore it and move on.. I like that thought.

But if it's one of the other two - if the fear isn't as irrational as all that and instead is something I need to take out, examine and DEAL with... that scares the crap out of me.

Maybe I frame it this way...

My inner child is a wild child raised by wolves and currently has one as a companion.  They are very close to each other and when my wild child gets upset - sometimes irrationally - the beast growls and flashes it's teeth.  The beast can't hurt me - the child won't let it.  But it's pretty scary to look at and it makes a lot of noise.  I can tell it "No!" and can even smack it around a little if it gets a little too much in my face but I don't have to do what it says.

But if I really want it to shut up I need to deal with the child.  I need to make her feel safe, comfortable, and loved.  Doing those things aren't 'necessary' I can only deal with the beast if I'm not feeling emotionally up to soothing a child (like now) - but on those days when I'm balanced and centered and feeling patient I can try to bring the child out of the wild - get her to put on a pair of shoes and wear a pretty dress...

Or maybe I just let her run free in the wild cause there's a part of me that likes her having that freedom.

Ugh!  I just can't seem to get on a roll. The longest I can seem to keep to any kind of eating plan is about 1/2 a day lately!! I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and I can't seem to shake myself out if this rut and do something about it. The feast beast is in charge right now and it's making me feel helpless and hopeless. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time and I don't like it. But shaking the blues seems like an impossible task. 

Every diet book that talks about the mental aspects of weight loss is rolling through my brain. Each is shouting it's advice at me but none of them make my brain sit up and say, "Yes! That feels like the answer!"  

I just want it gone. And by 'it' I don't mean the weight. Yes, I want it gone too but I'm willing to go the whole journey with that. But what I want gone is whatever it is that I consistently hold back by eating waaaaay too much food. What is it that I can't face that I keep shoving down by tossing food on top of it?  I don't know my next step right now. Food isn't the enemy - I am. 

Four Day wins?

I love Martha Beck's books and I've been reading her "Four Day Win" "thinner peace" book on and off for a while.

Now I want to combine some of that philosophy with some of the things I'm picking up in the flexible dieting books I'm reading.

So, tomorrow is day one of a four day challenge.

This challenge is "Make better food choices"

1) Eat mostly (80%) whole, minimally processed, nutrient dense, filling foods. (four days = 12 meals * 80% = 9+ meals)
2) Eat a variety of Fruits and Vegetables 5-10 servings
3) Eat a variety of Animal Products

All super easy to do at this point.

I'm trying not to say "I failed" ... again

I'm trying to think of it as, "I've found something else that doesn't work for me."

The problem is it didn't work for me the other two times I tried it, but I did it again anyway *sigh*.

In acknowledging that what I'm doing isn't working, and that what I've done many times over and over again isn't working either I had to sit myself down and figure out some stuff.

First, I started thinking about the more recent times I actually had lost a significant amount of weight...

There was MediFast, super strict food control and quite a bit of exercise (I was doing triathlons almost every weekend) 50+ lbs of weight loss that lasted.. almost no time before I was heavier then ever.

Leanness Lifestyle, super strict food control and quite a bit of exercise 50+ lbs that time too - I 'maintained' a few months while I tried to lose more weight before I lost the 'fight' and gained all the weight and more back again.

Body for Life,  strict food control and daily exercise again I lost a lot of weight 40 or 50 lbs but weight loss slowed and then reversed an a very short amount of time.

Then there was that one time, I ate what I wanted, hardly exercised at all lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a year....

My brain keeps going back to those days -- what was different!?  I wasn't at my goal weight but I was pretty happy with how I looked and felt, and it was effortless.  The only thing that was 'different' about that time then any other time in my life was, I was single, I was living for no one but myself, I was happy.

Now, losing 50 or 100 lbs isn't worth getting a divorce over -- BUT that time at least gives me something to think about and shows me that I have it in me to lose weight and to keep it off for more then a day.

So next I started thinking about what WOULD my ideal diet plan look like.  I've realized that the strict dieting I've done in the past has lead to horrible rebounds and I've suffered from "famine brain" as Martha Beck calls it in her book.  I also knew that 'free eating' didn't really work for me (except for that one time, but as I said I'm not willing to leave my husband to lose weight)  I started a list and here's what I came up with.

My ideal weight loss program:

• Generally low carb because this seems to be the plan that makes me feel the best (meat, cheese, nuts, veg)
• Low calorie is ok, but not so low that I feel terribly hungry all the time
• The ability to have a treat now and then without it blowing out my program or preventing me from losing weight for an entire week
• Some flexibility (can eat at a friend’s house or restaurant easily)
• 0-10 minutes of prep time required for each meal.
• Not huge amounts of pre-planning required
• Can lose weight without doing hours and hours of workouts (though will support these workouts if I choose to do them)
• No requirement to eat constantly - as few 2 meals a day if that's all I have time for.

No problem right?

Body for Life was probably the closest to these - so let me check out the pro's and cons

Six meals a day is really too much work and too much thinking about food.  I hated constantly watching the clock waiting for my next meal time to pop up.

The planned free day is exactly what I'm looking for as far as 'allowing' treats. I think I got into trouble when I started trying to justify "two free meals" or some other form of 'allowed' junk foods.  I also hear my inner wild child, or my feast beast or my famine brain saying.. "But what about when they serve cake at work, if you only get one free day, then how do you get to have your cake?"

But then if I just say, free food anytime you want it, I'm not dealing with emotional eating

So I'm trapped between:

Super strict dieting sets off the feast beat - I can only keep it caged for so long before I snap and eat everything I can get my hands on for days on end (or longer). And I'm stuck on a yo-yo of losing a few pounds then putting them back on again plus a few friends.

No food restrictions means that I eat whatever I want whenever I want.  While my binging episodes go down some, I still have the unhealthy habit of eating my emotions and I slowly and steadily gain weight...

The simplicity of, "Eat a palm sized portion of protein and a fist size portion of carbs" is really close to what I'm looking for - no food logging!   Who couldn't walk into a restaurant or a friend's house and figure what to eat with those simple rules.  But that simplicity also lead me to eat a very boring diet.  Every night I would come home and throw some chicken in a pan, put some veggies on top of it and stir fry that with rice.  Every day at lunch it would be a salad with some chopped chicken on top.  There has to be a way to have these same rules but modify them in such a way that I don't have to count calories or carb grams and still feel like I'm eating for my goals.

There was also the fact that I started really undereating - only eating around 700 calories a day in fact -- that of course lead to a really big binge/rebound eating.

Anyway... I've picked up some new books and I've dusted off some old ones to try and figure this out and put a new lifestyle in motion.

The two I'm using to set myself up an eating plan are "Flexible Dieting" by Armi Legge and "A Guide to Flexible Dieting" by Lyle McDonald.  I'm hoping these can help me get some insight into creating a plan where I can limit intake enough to see progress, but not so much that the wild child starts going crazy and takes over my life (again).

As an aside here - remember when I talked about how when I was single for that year my weight loss was effortless?  Well one other answer to that could be because I let my wild child out a LOT back then.  She got to have her way in so many other ways that she didn't have to resort to food as her only outlet for having fun.

I'll come back and post more when I have a more solid plan!

Happy New Year!

I know, it's a little late, but what can I say?

My Diet 2 Go experiment start out great.   Then the holidays hit... after that I was back to my starting weight again.  I've pretty much floundered through January and now, here it February and I'm looking to hit it again. I restarted my Diet 2 Go subscription and I was in for some pleasant surprises.  They've added a lot of new meals since the new year and added a lot a variety into the substitutions section.  This is good for me because I'm pretty picky and there were a lot of meals I was substituting and at one point I ended up skipping a while week's worth of breakfast because there was nothing I liked.  The good news is, they don't charge you for meals you've skipped but it meant I had to figure out what I was going to eat those days instead.

So that seems to be resolved now - I went back through the 5 weeks of meals and there isn't a single one where I can't find something I would eat.

This morning my day started with the Diet 2 Go Cheese Omelet which consists of an "Egg Puck" (tastes better then is sounds), cheese, spinach, bacon and salsa.  I throw out the salsa cause I don't eat tomatoes or onions, but the rest got nommed up!  I like the Diet 2 Go eggs, the bacon is good and crisps up nice if you cook it right and the spinach... well it's spinach.  A little salt and pepper and all's good.

Lunch (which I just finished) was Chicken and Bacon Cheddar Melt.  This is a portion of chicken topped with cheese and bacon, spinanch and Broccoli in what they call a "Cajun Cream Sauce".  The chicken was fantastic, the spinach was, again, spinach and the broccoli.  Well, I don't know what they put in the cajun cream sauce but it tasted like someone just soaked everything in vinegar for a long while.   When this comes up again I'm gong to rinse the broccoli off before reheating and HOPE that it's salvageable.  Everything else was tasty enough that this meal is staying in the rotation.

Dinner tonight is Chicken Roma, but I'll review that tomorrow when I post after lunch (at least that's the plan).

On the exercise front.  I made a go of it for a week at the beginning of January, then haven't managed to drag myself out of bed early since then.  I did, however, sign up for a Go-Go Burlesque dance class on Monday nights and I've made every one of those classes.  It's been loads of fun and I'm saving up to re-up when this 12 week series is finished.  I'm struggling to find something else that I enjoy enough that I WILL NOT MISS it no matter what!  Maybe a different dance class every night?  I doubt my husband would like that though.  I really am stuck here.  I have a really hard time getting up early and my evenings are pretty full - (I commute 2 hours each way 3 days a week).  Trying to work out at lunch time hasn't worked for me yet.  Unless I have some sort of appointment I tend to put off leaving my desk until it's too late and it's time to go home.  I'm going to have to spend some more time getting creative in this regard.

As for weight - well, as I said I'm back to my starting weight :(  BUT I do feel fitter and a little thinner around the waist so maybe those dance classes are paying of in some way.  Here's hoping!

I'll be back tomorrow!

Aaaaaand I'm back!

Had a great run with the Diet to go meals - lost over 13 lbs.  then the holiday's hit and I ate everything in site.  Pretty much back to square one, but I'm not upset about it.  I knew what I was doing when I sat down and ate.  It was the choice I made to enjoy the holidays that way.  Now I'm back to it.

AND I've got a great plan all lined up and I'm actually feeling a little excited about it.  The success from the Diet to Go felt good and reminded me that "You Can Do This!!"  And I can.  So it's back to "Paleoish" eating and lots of exercise.

I'm going to do Triathlons again!

That's my goal at least.  I've got a plan that looks like this

M - Swim
T - Run
W-Swim
T - Run
F - Swim
S - Bike
S - Bike

On top of this I'm planning on doing Weight Training M-F and for the next twelve weeks I have dance class on Monday evenings.

I know, it seems like a lot but actually swimming's pretty easy on the bod and still burns a lot of calories.  I'm only running two days a week to limit the wear and tear on my joints while I work on losing some of this weight and I'm biking the two days a week I can hope for a little bit of sunshine to bike in.  Plus my husband is training for an EPIC bike ride so I can ride with him and keep him company those two days. (Hahahahahaha - like I can keep up)

Anywho... Swim and weight workout is done - going to leave for dance class in just a little bit and I'm high on life.