I can't believe it - I did it. I made the financial commitment and purchased 6 pairs of jeans - 1 in each size from 16 to 6.



I also commmitted to my daughter that I would fit into those size 6 jeans before the end of the year - she's going to be a big motivator, I know it!

If I don’t make things important to me, I’ll never be disappointed. This apathetic attitude, that’s pretty much the pattern of my life really relates to my weight loss pattern. Typically I set goals with a ‘yeah, it would be great if’ kind of attitude. Great, but not essential. That way I’m allowed to feel accomplished if I succeed, but I’m hardly disappointed if I don’t. I can’t tell you how often I use the words, “Oh well… Such is life”.



The good news is that this attitude saves me a lot of stress. I don’t worry much, because hey, stuff happens. I don’t run myself into a frenzy trying to get things done, because things that get done, get done, and those that don’t, well they aren’t THAT important.



What I haven’t quite figured out yet, though, is how I change my ‘floating through life’ attitude so that I can accomplish more, without losing the parts of myself that I like, and continuing to life pretty much stress free. How do I make my health and weight loss goals important enough that I don’t skip a workout or make poor choices. I realize that to do this, I’m probably going to have to invest some emotion in my goals, and that doesn’t feel comfortable. I hate being disappointed and worse of all, I hate to disappoint myself. But, maybe it’s time to step out of my comfort zone. Maybe it’s time to push myself outside of the gym, if only to make sure that I make it there to push myself again.



Something to think about at least.

The first is getting closer and closer. I’m working on planning my first week of meals. I’m also creating a calendar for myself in my Calendar creator program, listing all my workouts and with another ‘body I admire’ for each month for inspiration. I’m also doing all I can to find my weaknesses, and setting new plans to help me succeed. The first new habit I’m going to create is to write down everything I eat each day. I know I ALWAYS do a better job of eating and snack a lot less when I have to write it down. Knowing I have to write down everything that goes into my mouth usually makes me think twice before I put it there. May as well take advantage of my inherent laziness after all. I’ve also worked really hard on creating a daily schedule that not only leaves me time to exercise, but to journal and plan my meals the way I need to. I know this is an important element for me, but I also know that it has a tendency to overtake my life. I need to find balance between having a healthy life and having a life. Mainly I’ve been focusing on my mental attitude. Building a support system both internally and externally. Setting myself up to succeed by foreseeing and overcoming problems BEFORE I’ve found myself at the bottom of a box of chocolates. My biggest issue? The ‘I want it now’ attitude. When it comes to the choice between having my cake today, or loosing 2 lbs tomorrow – I’ll almost always have the cake. After all, it feels good NOW, and there’s always next week to lose those 2 lbs. I need to create a sense of urgency, within myself, a need to lose those 2 lbs THIS week, that will overpower the urge for the cake today. At the same time, I don’t want to become insanely focused on the scale. I’ve tried the mental attitude that this is about being healthy, and not just about weight, but – that hasn’t worked yet. So rather then try the same thing over and over and getting no results, I’ve got to figure out a new approach. It’s all a learning process, and trial and error. You can bet, that I if I find a trigger that works, I’ll shout from the mountain top!



Something else I’m doing different this time? I’m starting my challenge on a Saturday. This way I’ve put my ‘planning time’ on a Friday Night or Saturday Morning – OR – if I don’t plan Saturday’s a day I can usually ‘wing it’ without too many consequences because I’m at home, and Sunday’s a free day anyway so I’ve got basically two days to finalize my planning for the next week before I have to go back to work. As I said I’m trying to set myself up to succeed in every way I can.

As much as I hate the whole 'New Year Resolution' deal, I can say that the 'goals' I've set myself for the new year have me looking forward to the change of the calendar more then I ever have. There is something inside me that says, "This is the year it all changes". Not just nutritionally, but in other ways as well.



One of the biggest things that's happening in our lives is that Nigel has resigned, and Jan 1st is his first day working for, ME! Well for us really, but we like to joke that I'm his new boss. We've been trying to get our own business running for two years now, and we just couldn't find the time. So we finally desided to take an enormous leep of faith and MAKE the time. No more, 'When we have all our bills payed off" or "When we have a year's worth of income saved".



As I said before I've set the bar pretty high for my personal fitness goals. Nov 1st is when I plan to hit goal. Yes,it's agressive. But I belive it's achievable. I'm not allowing myself a lot of 'slurge' room, but I think that's a good thing. I've also been doing a LOT of visualization. Yes, it's still hard for me to visulize myself as thin fit and at goal, but I can imagine I'm somebody else and THAT person is thin, fit and at goal. Funny thing the mind. I'm a pretty good actress, so I think that 'acting' like a thin fit person might be the key for me. Play the part long enough and you become it. At least that's what I'm going to do.



Besides the trip that Nigel has promised me (When I reach goal) I have another goal. Next year for christmas I want to give him a 'pin up' calendar. som of the AMAZING transformation photos I have seen have inspired me to want to do something similar, for 'his' eyes only of course. But just imagining being able to confidently pose for something like that has been a BIG inspiration for me.



I'll be posting some definative goals soon. This week will be a LOT Of planning I'm looking forward to it! Better get started.

Hey everyone - Not much to report, progress or otherwise. I've managed to keep things rather moderate over the past few days. Christmas, of course, is running me ragged. My son and daughter spent the weekend with me, and haven't really set a date to go back to thier dad's. They are supposted to go back before Christmas, I know that. Then they are back with me for a week until New Year. For those of you who knew me before I can say that a LOT has happend over the past year, and things between my kids and I have improved 110%. My son is even talking about coming to live with me. Oh - and the ex got married. Life is GREAT. My fiance' and I haven't gotten married yet. We're still waiting for enough money to go on our honeymoon. It will happen when it happens. Until then we're happy, and in love. We will have been engaged two years on New Years, and most people have stopped asking when the date is. We're more committed to each other then many of the married folks I know, so I can't see how a piece of paper can change anything.



Healthwise I'm doing ok. I've gained a lot of weight back, but I've got a plan in place for that. I've also got an awsome inspiration. Last night as we were laying in bed discussing Christmas Nigel and I started talking about gift for each other. I mentioned that I've really struggled with what to give him, just because he's such a hard person to buy things for. He pulled me close and said, "You know, one of hte best gifts you could give me would be for you to lose this weight and be happy with yourself" Ok - I know some women would be completely offended by something like that, but if you knew my sweety you would know that he would only say something like that with the deepest of love in his heart.



So he and I started talking about my goals. I told him that I've figured out that if I started full bore in January and kept with it, I could reach my goal in time for Thanksgiving. So he said. I'll tell you what, if you reach your goal, then as a celebration we'll go to New York City and watch the Ball Drop next New Year's Eve. He also promised me a shopping spree which, belive me, I'm going to take him up on.



One of the things I'm going to do as an 'investment' in my goals is I'm going to hit up a store and buy 6 pairs of jean - from size 16 (my current size) to size 6 (my goal size) all the exact same brand and style. That way I'll have a true impartial measure of my progress. I'll easily be able to measure how close I am to the next 'goal' without being side tracked by the difference in size between brands.



I'm looking forward to the coming year and the challenges it will bring.



Happy Holiday's to you all! and thank you for the welcome back!

It's that time again. The time when everyone on the planet is recommitting themselves to loosing weight getting fit, and 1000 other promises that we'll forget about before the end of January.



I'm no different. I'm recommitting; looking to regain that focus that I had. Looking to make it last longer then a day or two. The only time in my life when I was successful was when I was posting faithfully - here. And so I start again.



I've backslid. More then backslid it seems. Today's weight 203, and what have I had so far to eat? A cinnamon roll and a muffin. I haven't picked up a weight or stepped on the treadmill in months. I've got every excuse under the sun. I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I'm too...stupid is more like. It's time to put myself first again. It's time to start feeling GOOD about myself again; mentally AND physically.



And so I'm here - looking for a little tough love and a lot of ideas and support. I'm going to start slowly the end of this year. As much as I would love to jump in with both feet right away I know that this is the holiday season and I'm going to enjoy it. That's not to say I'm giving my self the excuse to continue the way I've been going. It just means that I might walk instead of run one day, or only do 3 sets instead of 5. It means that I'll have a piece of chocolate on a day other then my free day but not the whole box.



But, I'm going to make progress, each and EVERY day.



As for 2005 - I've got some goals - I'm going to plant the idea that THIS is the year I'm going to reach my goal. It's time to stop saying one day, and make it happen today.

Hi!



Well today I've taken the dive again. I even joined the BFL challenge - offically.



The goal - see what changes I can make by the end of the year. I know five weeks are going to see me being a BFL finalist, but I figure it can at least get a jump start on any New Year Resolutions.



Offical starting weight is 202.5



I don't have measurements yet, but I'm sure I won't like them.



Goals - same as always - lose as much as I can. But more importantly FINISH. Stick too it. Honor self promices. That's more important to me then anything else right now.



So I start the whole thing with a challenge. I'm going to dinner tonight. Chinese food. The plan? See if I can find the menu online and plan what I'm going to order before I get there.



The other option is to have a few free meals during the week but no free day.



of course that's complicated by a vacation at the end of this week, and several days in Disney Land. sheesh!



Life's full of complications though. I just need to learn to live with them.

I want to thank those of you who've posted these past few weeks. The fact that someone cares enough to post on a 'dead' blog means a lot to me.



So, where am I now? Unfortunatly, I'm back to OVER 200. It sucks go be stuck inside this body. BUT, I haven't given up. In my mind every day is a chance to make good choices. I don't always make them, but I at least believe I've got that choice.



I had a good week - two weeks ago - My fiance' started doing the program with me and I had a whole week of quailty eating. I felt great, and dropped below 200 almost immediatly. The life snuck back in. One cookie turned into a slice of cake, etc.



I haven't worked out in ages. The treadmill and weight machine mock me daily. I promice them I'll be back but it hasn't happened yet. But, as I said, I havn't given up. I'm not sure how I get back into the groove again. There has to be a way. I'll not be stuck like this forever.



Once again, thank you to those of you who responded here. It means a lot to me to know there are those who are watching and who care. I'll try to post with regularity again. Maybe that will allow me to work through some of this.



In the mean while. Weight today - 202. It's a long hard road ahead of us.

As you probably guessed, my program tood a dump. Ediets didn't help and I'm sitting here still as heavy and out of shape as before. I haven't gained back all of the weight I lost last year, but it's close. Worse, I feel like CRAP! It probably doesn't help that I'm on my period, but either way I've lost whatever edge I ever gained.



I'm not sure what is worse, feeling fat and misserable, or knowing that just a year ago I was better then this and on a path to be great. I don't know why I have so much trouble stay on this path. It's not like I don't want it. I want it so bad that feeling like I do right now makes me want to curl up in a little ball and just cry. But then life settles in and reach for a doughnut instead of something healthy. Or I sit and watch a movie instead of hitting the weights or treadmill. I really have NO excuses! And yet I continue to find them.



I'm at a loss. I'm not really sure where to turn or what to do. The problem isn't with what program I choose. It's not about eating carbs, or eating fat or do I lift first or do cardio more. It's about me - sticking to what I start and following through with my commitments to myself.



We are once again at square one folks. And if you're still with me. Thanks!

It's been a week, I know.



Things have actually been going rather well. I haven't been 100% in my eating (more like 85%) but I feel like I've made some progress. I haven't missed a single weight workout, though my cardio hasn't been consistant. The results? I haven't lost a single pound. Still hanging at 191. I suppose the good news is I haven't been 100%. If I was putting 100% into it and not losing anything... that would just SUCK. So the next week the goal is to clean up the eating some more and get more consistant with the cardio. It should be an interesting week as I'm alone Tuesday through Friday. I'm not sure if that's going to help or hurt me. We'll see.



And for those of you thinking (muscle weighs more then fat) My BF% isn't dropping either. I'm waiting to do measurements for a few more weeks. My clothes? There are days I feel like I'm doing something, and others I swear they are tighter then ever. I'm pretty sure that if I would just throw a little consistancy into the mix that I would really start to take off. Ok- I'm MORE then sure.



Oh and I really need to drink more water. I've been watching myself and I'm pretty sure that four litres of diet pepsi a day CAN'T be good for me. Time to really start working on ditching that habit. Or at least making it managable.

It figures doesn't it? I came in today primed for bear. Lunches packed, game face on and there, on the table are BOXES of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. ACK! I'm staying hidden in my corner until they are gone!

I talked to my dad today and he’s coming to visit. I’m excited about this, but at the same time I’m a little stressed out because, seriously, the thought crossed my mind, “I have GOT to lose some weight before then!” and the next thought? “Tomorrow I’m going to get serious!” So I started looking at the calendar. I was stunned, thrilled and amused all at the same time because, you see, my dad is arriving in EXACTLY 12 weeks! I’ve got 12 weeks, a BFL challenge length of time to make some serious body changes.



And why, may you ask, am I worried about this? Well, aside from the fact that I don’t see my dad that often and I’d like to make a good impression? He’s a personal trainer.



So tomorrow I start, with purpose, with goals! This is going to be cool!

A recap of my first week



Wednesday turned out to be as challenging as I had thought. Though not for the reasons I had thought. For some reason I just did NOT want to eat the food I had brought with me. I muddled through the day substituting bars for a few meals. At my meeting, I was in for a surprise: Food, real food: teriyaki chicken, steamed veggies, salad, and rolls. I had a little of everything. But, as I had figured I didn’t get my workout in.



Thursday I started on plan, then my honey called me up and said “Let’s go to Olive Garden tonight”. OG, my nemesis! I skipped a few meals so I would have room. I kind of wiggled my schedule around and labeled this as a ‘free meal’. One GOOD thing was that we did our workout before leaving. At OG I limited my bread, but didn’t resist the Italian Margaritas (I had two). I’ve been craving them for MONTHS. I had a half plate of raviolis and then didn’t even eat all of them, so I walked out of there feeling pretty strong.



Friday went well, I did my run and it was easier then the time before. Food was good and on plan with a dinner that was YUMMY.



Saturday – Dinner was a free meal with the rest of the day on plan. We did a bunch of walking, but didn’t do our workout. When I woke up I said “Should we work out now, or when we get home?” He said “when we get home”. But when we got home – well we had had a beer at dinner and it was late so the workout was put off.



Sunday – again we thought we would workout when we got home, again, it didn’t happen. BUT we did hike about 5 miles or so for our cardio. Breakfast was my last free meal and the rest was on plan.



Results for the week? Weight is down, pant-o-meter is showing positive results, though measurements are still not showing amazing results. Still I FEEL really good, and that’s positive motivation to keep things moving.

testing

The little girl in me is being stubborn. She keeps peeking into my lunch box and then sitting back and pouting at it's contents. It's my fault I suppose. After all I fixed everything in on my ediets menu plan, and I didn't really THINK while I was fixing it what the brat was going to say. The mature adult in me was is residence and as I added apples and raisans to my chicken salad she said "This should be intresting". And when I cooked my chicken strips for a burrito with bell peppers, I thought "It can't hurt to try..." and when I chose to NOT include any cheese I thought "I don't NEED cheese" But the brat, she looks at that food and says "Ewww! Ick! Yucky! Let's go to the store and grabs a smores bar!" And where is my helpful adult now? I think the brat has her tied up in the basement.

The day has ended great - I had some 'rough' moments when I had to wait WAY too long for meal3 (as in it was already time for meal 4) and I got REALLY hungry - but it all worked out, and I stayed on plan! whoop!



Run tonight was HARD. I'm so bummed at how out of shape I got in so little time. But it should come back quickly.



Meals are packed for tomorrow, but it'll be a challenging day. It's time for the quarterly dinner meeting, and that means passing up the crap food they will serve there for a bar, (or something like that)so I can have a good solid dinner here at home. Also getting in excercise when I don't get home until after 9:00pm? Yeah it's a challenge and may have to be put off one day - I SO hate to do it, but this is about a weeks work more then a days, so I'll have to be satisfied.

I was in my car earlier when I had a thought - it started this way.



I started feeling pretty worn out this afternoon and I was pumping myself up to do what needs to be done after I get home. I figured, bare minimum for the night would be excecercise, dinner and packing my lunch for the next day. Then, of course, that lazy little girl that lives inside of me started whispering "You don't HAVE to pack your lunch" Amazingly, this warm mothering voice in my head smothered out the witch with the thought "Yes you do, because you need to pack lunch for N____ too". Suddenly I had hit on something!



You see, it's much too easy for me to find reasons to not do things for myself. I'll often pass on new clothes or some treat for myself, that I would NEVER skip for someone else that I loved. What does that mean that I love others more then myself? Probably.



I hear those of you out there screaming... "Take care of YOU first - what are you thinking?" But then I realized, why not use this to my advantage rather then fight it, and try to change part of my ingrained nature?



Why DO they tell us that we should never lose weight for someone else? No I'm not talking about my fiance' telling me "lose weight or I'm leaving". THAT is wrong on SO many levels. But why not attach some emotional baggage to weightloss that goes beyond my selfish reasons that OBVIOUSLY arn't working.



When it comes down to sticking to my plan, or eating what everyone else is eating so they feel comfortable - which do you think _I_ choose? 9 times out of 10 I'll cave.



SO, my thought is this. Yes, I'm doing this for myself. Because I want to be thin, and healthy, and strong. But I'm doing it for my fiance' who deserves to have a fiance' who's thin, healthy and strong, and for the example I can set for him. I'm also doing it for my children - who deserve a mother who's thin healthy and strong. For my 16 year old who needs a healthy example of losing weight, for my 10 year old (who's shaped exactly like me) who needs to know that she isn't doomed to obesety, for my son who deserves to have a MILF... ok, maybe that's taking it a bit too far, but you get the idea.



I think, that for me to succeed it needs to be about more then me. Maybe that's been the missing key all along.



We'll see

Yesterday was a definite Coupe! I ate small meals, six times a day and had an AWSOME upper body workout. The best part was that I had a workout partner! That’s right, my sweetie worked out with me, and said he enjoyed it so much that he wants to do it again! Whoo Hoo! There is no doubt in my mind that with him working out with me, that I’ll get it done. Talk about motivation.



I also tried something else for the food issue. I purchased a subscription to ediets. They have a BFL option that really makes planning the week and purchasing groceries easy. I have to say, that I’m feeling strong, empowered; exactly the kinds of feelings that get me up and carry me through those tempting moments. This morning, when I stopped at the store to pick up my morning Pepsi, I had no second thoughts while walking past the powdered doughnuts or king sized Reece’s peanut butter cups. That’s a huge step for me. HUGE.



I’ve got all my food packed for the day. Breakfast was Grapenuts with soymilk, strawberries and a slice of cheese. Mid-meal was a chicken sandwich. Lunch is a salad with leftover, blacked chicken from last night. Late mid-meal is yogurt with blueberries and pine nuts. Dinner is extra-lean hamburger on a slice of bread with carrots, and dessert, an any day ‘Sunday’.



Exercise tonight is a 20 minute run – HIIT.



I love when I feel this way. When things are set out, planned and I’m feeling up to any task. I wish I could hold onto this feeling everyday, but then, if I could, I suppose I would already weigh 130lbs wouldn’t I?



1 day down 83 to go! Let’s see what the day chooses to throw at me next.

OMG - I haven't been by the BFL site in a while - so you can imagine my surprise when I saw THIS



Real Life Success Stories - Inga Smith



Horray to EAS for picking a winner who may not have the ideal bikini body, but who's made HUGE strides toward a healthier lifestyle. I REALLY needed to see that today.

Alright - I feel so stupid really - I almost feel like I should just do this for a few weeks and THEN come back here and say "Hey I did it!" How many times have I started and not followed through? Too many, but I keep on keepin' on I guess. I really have to stop thinking this way. mulling over my mirade of defeats. This time WILL be different. Why? Ummm because it's Augest that's why. Sheesh, if there was some magic formula that said why some times we drop out and others we complete our tasks, then heck, EVERYONE would be doing it right?



Anyway - starting stats:



Weight 191.5

Body Fat 46.7%

Lean Mass 102.1

Fat 89.4



Neck 14

Chst 38

Bust 45

Ribs 36

Waist 37.5

Hips 46.5

Butt 44.5

Thigh 26.5/26.5

Calf 15.25/15.25

Upper Arm 14.5/14.5

Bicep 12/11.75

Forarm 10.25/10.5

Wrist 6/6.25



My goals this time are simple. Make it 'til the end. To eat right and excercise. I'm not going get hyper focused on results. What I want to see, though, is me meeting me daily goals. Me making right choices and getting fitter and stronger. But mostly I want to see me gaining confidence in myself and my ability to stick to something. To complete a task.



Now, I need to go mix up a nice shake - make my menu for the week, make a shopping list and perhaps go shopping!

It starts today, and I am,(date I say it?) Excited!



I've weighed in, taken pictures and now I just need to so measurements and check body fat. As soon as I do, I'll report back here. You all will get every painful detail!



Heh.

And for the legs, Extensions and/or curls. I can do something besides squats! woo hoo!! And the preacher curl pad isn't a bad addition either. 

Yes, that's a lat pulldown attachement, the one piece that I felt was impossible to get while working at home. 

Here's the Entire setup Beautiful isn't it? 

You all arn't going to believe this...



I bought a weight bench with leg attachment AND pully system - I can do lat pull downs and leg extensions and leg curls!



Eating wise, I am SO ready for this. I'm really going to do this. 12 weeks isn't that long, but we'll see what we can do.



I'll take begining pictures (though not share them this time. There isn't THAT much of a difference - believe me) I'm doing my menu now, and I'll plan my workout before I get home tomorrow.



But it's late, gotta pack my lunch and get to bed. Tomorrows the start of the first 12 weeks of my new life!

As if it wasn't already evident that "Something MUST Be Done" I went clothes shopping yesterday. Whereas not too long ago I was toying with size 12 (I even own one pair of size 12 pants), yesterday I was running about 50/50 with size 14. And on top? I'm firmly back in an extra large.



The good news is this didn't bother me as much as it could have because I've aready taken steps and am making progress in the right direction. Weight today 192. Food the past few days has been in control, but I'm in no way feeling deprived. I'm eating when hungry and stopping before I've stuffed myself. Next week things get a little more structured, but I'm going to do everything I can to keep from feeling boxed in and stifled. I'll keep you informed as it goes.





OH - and I recieved my BFL packet in the mail. I'm not sure I want to enroll right now, given my realization that there is NO WAY 12 weeks is going to turn me into the BFL poster child.. YET. Anyone have any thoughts?

We went on vacation this weekend. I came back fat, sassy and with a slightly new outlook.



I pretty much ate and did what I wanted but the idea that I was NEEDING to have a plan soon was never far from my mind. My clothes were obviously getting tighter with each passing moment...



But I had a LOT of thinking time, what with an 8 hour drive each way. What I came to realize is that after realizing that I had a problem with food. The next step was to come to grips with the fact that to make any change and make it perminant 1) it would have to be something I desided to do for life - not one day, or one week, or 12 weeks. To over come this issue is going to take a LIFETIME commitment. 2) If this is going to be a lifetime commitment then that means I'm going to have to come up with a plan that I can life with for a LIFETIME. That means overcoming a few things...



The first thing that came to mind was that I really hate the meal planning. I dislike the way it causes me to focus on food ALL the time. BUT then I realized that if I wanted to stay within my monthly budget (one of my other goals) that I would NEED to plan and prepare my meals the day before to avoid dropping in at the store and overspending. Budgeting also means that I need to know what foods I'm buying before I head to the store - so planning meals at least WEEKLY has an advantage above and beyond weight loss. and lastly - if I plan meals it means I'm not having to come up with meals after a long day at work. Everythings planned - defrosted and even marinated before hand - oooo I'm starting to LIKE this.



Next - I really hate feeling deprived. Maybe some people can leave out certain foods and feel SO good about it that when they go back to eating those foods they taiste bad - not me :) I have never had pizza after obstaining after ANY period of time and said to myself "Oh that's nasty!" NEVER! I also hate missing out on the social aspects of food. If I'm at a dinner party and all I can think about is what I can and CAN'T have that's just not right. Some people would say - GET OVER IT already - but so far (and we're talking about 16 years (at least) of dieting here) I've not gotten over feeling deprived when I'm told I CAN'T have something. Now BFL Does have it's limits. In fact it tends to limit your resteraunt choices and other social activities. BUT there are some really good parts of it as well. The allowing 'bad' foods one day a week to lessen feeling of being deprived - the eating often to avoid hunger and starvation and other things. I'm thinking that I'll eat 6 times a day. Small portions - working toward balance but without 'forbidden' foods. Yeah I'll probably not have any dramatic results, BUT I'm a LONG way off from a BFL style transformation anyway. Perhaps when I'm closer (like within 30 lbs of goal?) I'll look to tighten things up. BUT, I have to focus on the FOR LIFE portion of this.



Excercise - This is still an issue. I really think that I (as I said before) need to find a purpose to excercise beyond just having a fit body. As nice as that is, it has YET to be motivation enough to get me working out every day CONSISTANTLY. I may just end up doing what I can until I can find a solution. No reason to put off 'til tomorrow... Just to give you an idea of what I'm leaning toward... something that involves dancing an OLD love of mine.



OH - and the starting point as of today 196.5



We've got a LOT of ground to make up

I'm still out here, still waffling. I know I need to make a choice here and go with it, and yet I haven't. I need to find the strength to cross tha abyss AGAIN.

I don't know what to do



I've tried being excited, getting angery, sad... taking a day at a time, planning 12 weeks, looking forward a year... Still I struggle, and feel as if I'm running in a hamster wheel - getting nowhere. Part of myewants to take everything I've been trying to do and throw it out the window and find a whole new approach. Yes, I'm talking about the BFL lifestyle - It's not that it doesn't work. I know it does, but somehow, I'm broken... at least it feels that way. But then the other part of me says "It works if you do it... you just need to do it! Don't quit, don't be a failure!"



What am I working against here?



1) an addiction. As Jay said, a destructive behavior that I recognize, but don't seem to be able to do anything about. At least not for large periods of time. I do it for a while. Usually only if I'm super stict- then I start getting obsessive about being strict and the next thing I know I'm starving myself. Not Good. It's not emotional eating. It's not hunger. Those don't drive me to eat. But it's the sheer PLEASURE of eating. I love food. I love the taste and the variety. I love cooking it and eating it. and the more I focus on it, the worse it seems to get! It's Glutony pure and simple! So, what do I do? Do I pick up the pieces and plow on? Spend hours planning meals, focusing on what's 'good' and 'bad' and continue to give food power? I'm just so FRUSTRATED! Here's what I'm SERIOUSLY consitering...Returning to Weigh down. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a christian weight loss program that tries to 'cure' you of your food addiction. Helping you recognize hunger and eat in accordiance with your bodies needs. It also strips foods of thier power. There is NO 'Good' or 'Bad' food. Everythings allowed as long as your are hungry when you eat it and you stop when you are full. Sounds simple, but it's not. But taking away food's power over me. It's ability to make me FEEL as though I'm worthy or unworthy... I may need to go back to that.



2) Lazyness - That's the only reason I can give for constantly skipping workouts. I'm not ill. I've got a lot of time. I'm reletively healthy, but do I do what I should? No! It's like that law you learned in science class... an object at rest tends to stay at rest.. that's me a big ol' resting object. Wanting to be healthy isn't enough of a motivator, and as I said before all those other emotions haven't changed anything either. I need some purpose. Some good and valid reason to workout. The only idea I've had so far is to join a dance class. Returning to Ballet... Perhaps THAT would motivate me... I dunno... At the moment I'm stuck and I'm at the end of my rope. But maybe that's not an entirely bad thing. maybe what I need to do is let go?

This weekend we go on our annual weekend trip with my company. I SO had visions of wowing everyone this year, and instead, I'm only about 10 lbs lighter then last year's trip. BAH!



And I'm sitting here having to walk past PILES of paistries each time I run to the bathroom... I just want to go home and curl up in a dark room right now.. really.

*groan*



Friday it started, an ice cream and some cookies - and then it continued - Monday I was thinking.  This will start on Tuesday, I'm going back to work.  Then I walk into work and remembered it was someone's 40th birthday and they had brought in every breakfast no-no known to man, and I continued to graze.  I think it may have just stopped when 10 minutes ago, while eating cake, I realized that I was moments from making myself sick!



Why do i do this?  How does it go so far so fast.  How can I stand there poping doughnuts the whole while hating the way I feel in my clothes?  I don't understand the mentality and it's ME doing it!



I'm a food adict.  I know this.. I known it for a while.  What I haven't figured out is how to get over it.  The only way for me to do this seems to be cold turkey, but then the body's not designed to go without food - so I'm left having to monitor myself.  ARG.. this is all so frustrating and currently so completely depressing.



No - I'm NOT giving up.  I'll continue to bang my head against this brick wall until SOMETHING gives.  Hopefully it's not my head!



I'm going to run tonight - 2 miles - hopefully my sluggishness will be gone by then.  And I'm going to do better.  No, not tomorrow, but here and now.  There is no reason why I can't make the rest of today count...



 

First off, I know - I shouldn't use the word can't...
Second - No, I don't mean Body-for-Life per se. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the lifestyle for me and that it will bring the results I want.

However, I, like many, want to make this FOR LIFE. I'm tired of the yo-yos. Of falling on and off the wagon (sometimes for a year at a time). I want a plan that I can stick to - for life and what I'm currently doing won't cut it.

Here's my current schedule:

5:30 the alarm goes off 5:45 I crawl out of bed, shower, dress, blend a shake (that I mesured out the night before) grab some tea and then head out the door. 6:15 I'm on the road. Drink shake, drink tea. 7:00 Grab the ferry, sleep 8:15 Arrive at work - work - eat three meals 5:00 Grab the Ferry Home. Do Misc paperwork, eat meal five, Plan meals, workouts, sleep 6:00 Jump in the car 6:45 Arrive at home, change 7:00(ish) Start my workout. 8:00(ish) Finish Workout - start dinner, eat 9:00(ish) Start making lunches (I have to pack 5 meals for the next day) 10:00 Time for bed.

As you can see, by the time I've finished taking care of the BFL side of my life - I've no time left for anything else! There's no doubt in my mind that if I keep going this way I'll soon give up - AGAIN.

One option is to get up and workout in the morning (see me falling over and laughing) I've never had any luck doing that. When I plan morning workouts I set myself up for failure and I hate starting my day like that. Having already let myself down. Plus - Because I'm a person who REALLY needs her sleep, it would mean going to bed an hour earlier at night. So, it kind of defeats the purpose.

So the only other option I've thought about is to become really really good at preparing my meals. I'm sure that with the right plan I could make my five 'to-go' meals in a heck of a lot less time then the hour (or more) that it's currently taking me. some of the ideas I've had is premaking pancakes and protien muffins. Boiling loads of chicken and eggs (yes, I boil chicken for many of my meals simply because I can put it in a pot and then walk away and it doesn't heat up the house as much as baking it) But after that I start to get stumped.

I need to figure out some things I can either make in bulk and have it last for a week, or that I can throw together in less then five minutes the night before.

I would rather avoid Meal Replacement Drinks and Bars because, the point of this, for me, is to not only be in shape but to be healthier, and traiding one sort of processed food for another, doesn't seem the correct path for me.

What's funny was when I first started thinking about this that little doubter in my head started up her negative talk. "If you make stuff this way, you'll end up eating the same thing every day!" Then I realized. Even when I'm not 'living' the life. I end up eating the same things every day. A Egg, Cheese and Bacon Bagel for Breakfast, a Sandwich or Salad bar for lunch... So a few of the same meals doing the week is not going to kill me.

Alright, I’ve been away for a few days so I’ll try to catch you up.



Wednesday, I came home so tired! I dropped on the couch as soon as I got home and didn’t move for the rest of the night. Literally. I didn’t even cook dinner! Instead my fiancé made me a PB&J Sandwich. Not exactly the ginger chicken I had planned, but not terribly bad either. I was also so tired I didn’t plan the next day. Bad mistake because it was a day in desperate need of planning!



Thursday I had an all day meeting. (These happen once a quarter of so). I knew lunch was provided so I would be stuck eating pretty much what they provided. I needed to be to work early too and this limited my breakfast prep time. Breakfast ended up being a bagel with PB on in. On the way into work I picked up and then snacked on an energy bar because I knew it would be a LONG time ‘til lunch. If I only knew HOW long! We finally took a break at 1:00pm. I was so hungry I had a headache and was shaking. Times like that are REALLY dangerous for me because the urge to get sugar to the blood stream FAST is almost too much. Cravings for candy bars were almost overcome by cravings for burgers and fries when I walked past Burger King, but I resisted and forced myself to visit Subway instead (one of my LEAST favorite fast food places). A turkey sandwich and baked lays later and I was feeling a bit better. I went past the Wallgreens and picked up another energy bar for later, and ended up eating it before end of the lunch hour. By the time I got home I was exhausted and STARVING. I grabbed a cheese stick and went to bed. I was feeling a little better after a short nap, but not a lot. Dinner was a NICE healthy blackened chicken (ping me if you want the recipe) and rice.. YUM!



Today I woke up and it was OBVIOUS by the way I was feeling that I haven’t been eating enough. I was week and shaky and my stomach was so upset that I thought I was going to hurl. All symptoms I recognize. So, I had a serving of beef jerky and a bagel. Waited about an hour– still feeling crap. Had scrambled eggs and toast. A little better, but still feeling hollow about an hour later, so I had a energy bar to top it all off. Much MUCH better now! As much as I HATE tracking my food if this happens again I’m going to start doing it. It’s just much much too easy for me to eat less and less every day until I’m worn out and eating too too little.



In other news, the scale said 185.5 this morning. Das ist Gute…



OH! And what is today? Friday? My arms still hurt SO BAD! Well not really my arms, but my chest! I’m not sure another upper body workout is in a works, but if not, I think I’ll run and make up yesterday’s missed workout.



Still in this thing!

Last night at Divaquest Bisous asked us “Do people have parts of their bodies they are really proud of? Kickin' biceps, awesome shins? Quads of steel?” And that got me thinking.

Of course my first response was “I have nice cleavage”, but that was HARDLY appropriate for a fitness board. The other thoughts that followed weren’t very apropos either, “I have nice hands.”, “I really like my feet”.I really had to THINK about it!

I’m pretty proud of my biceps, but only when compared to the rest of my body. When you hold them up to someone like Skwigg well, let’s just say I haven’t much to brag about. Same goes for my back/shoulders.

Somehow there’s a part of me that feels this is VERY VERY wrong. Shouldn’t there be SOMETHING of mine, that I’ve created, sculpted, worked for that I’m willing to show to the world?

Truth is, right now – NO.

I know it's late, but I wanted to check in before the day was through -



How did I do?  Let's see:

Drink water? Started - will finish in the 15 minutes before I hit the bed

Eat on Plan?  check!

Training Run?  2 miles! check (kicked my butt it did)

Vits?  Umm... I guess I should do that now -but hate to sleep with that stuff in my tummy



I did 1/2 of my "things for others"  50% hmm



And for tomorrow?

Drink 48oz of water

Lower Body baby! and with the new barbell - cool!

Eat on Plan (see plan below)

and let's try to get those vitamins in shall we?



Things to do for others?

Bug my coworker about working out again (shame him if I have to)

Ask someone to walk with me at lunch? (Ick)



What did I do well today?

I ate on plan! yippy (passed up cookies and naco wafers)

I ran even when I didn't want to

I drank water while running (thus giving me an early start)



What could I do better?

Drink EARLIER (even more so)



Food Plan:

B - Blueberry pancakes

S - Power Muffin (it's the last of those)

L - Leftover chicken from tonight

S - Yogurt and fruit and PP (I'm liking this can you tell?)

D - Ginger Chicken with rice

S - shake (maybe - I've been skipping and feeling fine)



Workout:

Lower Body! yay (I'm trying to look forward to it  LB is my LEAST favorite day)



Alright, I'm ready to face tomorrow now!



 

When I got home, I was tired.  Not just tired, but TIRED.  I wanted to just curl up on the couch and not more again ‘til morning.  I tried to justify sitting there for ‘just an hour’.  But I knew, if I gave myself a hour to sit, that it would turn into two hours, and that it would get harder and harder to get up the longer I sat.  So, I didn’t sit.  I got up and changed my clothes and ran.  And you know what? I feel TONS better now that I did!

 

Time to make dinner.

blogger is eating my posts again!



I'm telling!

As I said last nigh,t yesterday was perfect food, water, excercise. It all worked out.



I woke up this morning KNOWING it had been a good day. I couldn't roll over because my abs and legs were hurting from the bent rows. I'm really glad I chose to skip the tris and bis last night because if I was any more sore then I am right now, I would be incompasitated.



Weight: 186.5 (Ok, even _I_ am saying "Huh?" about this)

Mood: VERY VERY good



Status so far: On plan - YAY!

Meals and workout are planned for tomorrow.  All I have left for today's goals is to drink my water.  Hmm, guess I better get up and get a glass!...

 

There - Now I'm sitting here with 32oz of water beside me.  No excuses!

 

So, tomorrow's goals:

 

Drink 40oz of water

Do my training run!  (someone want to send the 'no excusses' fairy over to my house?)

Eat what's on my plan, nothing more!

Try taking a vitamine or two?

 

Two things I'll do for others:

Make lunch for my honey: (Done)

Give (someone who I'll not name here) the weightloss book to read

 

Three things I did well today:

Ate on plan!  Like SO on plan - passed up all the crap at the store.  Didn't eat any of the cookies that are in the cupboard.  I just had a GOLDEN day.

Did my workout.  Worked my weenie arms until they were BEGGING for mercy

went for a walk.  Even though my plan didn't call for it, a few extra steps never hurt anyone!

 

One thing I could do better:

Spread my water out over the day instead of putting it off until 9:00pm!

 

Food Plan:

Breakfast - Oatmeal Pancakes

Snack - Power Muffins

Lunch - chicken Quesedilla

Snack - Yogurt, fruit, and Protien Powder

Dinner - Chicken Parmisian

Snack - Shake

 

Workout:

A run on the treadmill (2 miles) First 20 minutes BFL style intervals.

 

There! Everythings all planned out for tomorrow - that feels GOOD!

I think it’s a pretty good sign when you finish your workout and can’t lift your water bottle to get a drink when your done!

 

Yeah, I had a good workout.  First off because I did it, secondly because I did it with the wholehearted support of the one I love, and last but not least, because I put 100% into it and I am TOAST!  Can you say noodle arms?

 

It didn’t start out so great.  I opened up my new barbell; all excited about using it for the first time, and realized that it was missing the collars that were supposed to come with it!  Just that little set back had me thinking twice about working out, but my honey wouldn’t let me get off that easily.  I borrowed the collars from my dumbbells and forged ahead! 

 

First was chest.  Bench press (on the swissball)

55lbs x 12

I don’t know what I was thinking.  I loaded the bar WAY too heavy. Barely finished the 12, so I left the weight the same for the next set.

55 x 10

Still heavy!

55 x 8

Almost OK so I bumped the weight for the next set

60 x 6

then

55x12

YEAH!

Bench Flyes

15 (each) x 12

That was a 10.5!

 

Next, Shoulders – Upright rows

10lbs x 12

15 x 10

20 x 8

25 x 6

20 x 12

all too easy – need to up by 5 lbs next time

Lateral Flye

2 lbs x 12

WAY too easy – maybe 3lbs next time?

 

Next Back – Bent Row

40lbs x 12

45 x 10

50 x 8

55 x 6

It was really getting hard so I dumped more weight then I normally would for the final set

45 x 12

Bent Flye

5lbs x 12

too easy – need to be heavier next time – maybe 7.5

 

I skipped biceps and triceps this time – My arms were already toast from the previous exercises. 

 

I just have two more meals to eat and I’m finished for the day!  AND it’s been PERFECT!! Wooo Hooo!

Alright - I'm flooding the airwaves with posts - but that's just how motivated I am today.

 

Goals:

 

in twelve weeks I will:

 

lose 20 lbs

drop 2.5 off my chest

drop 2.75 off my ribs

drop 4.5 off my waist

drop 3.75 off my Hips

drop 3.5 off my butt

drop 2 off each thigh

drop .5 off each upper arm

drop .5 off each calf

 

I will drop 12% off my body fat.

 

Currently I am 190 lbs at 46.9% Body fat

 

In twelve weeks I will be 170 pounds and 34.9%

 

 

To achive this goal in the next four weeks I will:

 

lose 6.67 lbs

drop 4% body fat

drop .83 off my chest

drop .92 off my ribs

drop 1.5 off my waist

drop 1.25 off my hips

drop 1.17 off my butt

drop .67 off each thigh

drop .17 off each calf

drop .17 off each upper arm

 

In four weeks I will weigh 183.3 lbs and be at 42.9% body fat.

 

How will I do this? 

 

I will plan and eat BFL sytle meals 6 days a week. 

Free days are on Sundays - no exceptions

I will workout 6 days a week.  Weight Training Mon/Wed/Fri Running Tue/Thu/Sat  Sundays are a rest day. 

If I miss a workout I will make it up on Sunday but these occurances will be rare

I will drink water during the day.  Starting with 32oz today and adding 8 oz a day until I reach a minimum of 1/2 my body weight (currently that would be 94oz)

I will journal what I eat and why as this was a big help in getting my focus in my first successful BFL challenge.

I will love myself enough to treat my body to the best foods and excercise.

 

IF I honor my self promices for six weeks I will buy a chin up bar to add to my home gym.

 

ToDo:

Come up with a reward list

Create a food journal

----There's more I'm sure so I'll add to this as I think of it.

Holey Cow!  No wonder it looks as if I've gotten my 'linebacker' back - back.  I've put 2 inches back on my chest measurement, 2 on my rib measurement and I'm back to a 38" waist!  Ick! Ick! Ick!  Something Must be done, and I'm doing it!

GOD, I'm glad that's over with!  here's my thoughts

 

1 - it could be worse. a LOT worse - in fact, it's BEEN worse

2 - it's obvious that a greater percentage of my weight gain has been (as I suspected) in my bust area. 

3 - My 'linebacker' back has returned - this MUST be taken care up

4 - What happened to my bicepts?

 

I'll take and post photos again in 4 weeks.  I'm also going to take a few pictures in 'regular' clothes so that I can get a visual there as well, but I won't put you all through the pain of posting them :)

 

I'm actually kind of excited.  It's going to be fun to do this again in four weeks if I really stick to my guns.  Maybe having these photos up here will help...

Back 7/19 

Money Shot 7/19 

Side 7/19 

Front - 7/19 

Ok - that was wierd - the post that was lost - is now found!?

Alright,  I come, I go.  I start, I restart.  About the only thing positive I can say about myself is that I don't give up!  HA!

 

Last week was abismal.  In fact, I even wrote a post about how abismal Thursday was, and it was so bad the internet ate it!  let's just say that my day's menues consisted of, B-Cupcakes, L-Cookies, D-Bizzard from DQ.  Yeah, real adult don't you think?  The only positive thing I can think to say is that I lived to tell about it!  I didn't even have PMS to blame for THAT one.

 

Todays GOOD news?  I actually have my menu planned and my lunches packed.  All my food is ready to go, and that's a BIG step for me.  Also, I bought a barbell (to go with my dumbbells) and I'm so excited to use it that I should have no problem getting my workout in. 

 

Weight 190 -

 

Goals:  Eat what I planned, nothing more,  Do an upper body workout, Drink 32oz of water, Plan tomorrow's meals

 

I also need to do my measurements so I can baseline my progress.  I actually signed up for the BFL challenge today and so, I may as well START today.  measurements and pictures - gah this is seeming so - official now ;)

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days that I need to have less of, and talk about more. Talk about only so I can figure it out and keep it from happening again... It was one of those days where I revert to my childhood fanticies and eat everything I dreamed about as a kids eating as an adult. *sigh* and I didn't even have PMS to blame for it all. So, are you ready? I can see the horror dawning in your eyes. You have these visions and the reality could turn out to be much worse or much better then what you are imagining.



Breakfast - happened about 2:00 in the afternoon. I had slept until noon. It was on the run, I had to be someplace.... I ate two hostess yellow cake cupcakes.



Lunch - a few moments later. I was still hungry of course, and the sugar had just started to take a hold of my blood stream... what better then add to the mix. Strawberry filled and Lemon filled cookies (This was my fruit serving for the day). Oh and the stripped shortbread cookies too. (Does it count as food because it had the word BREAD in it?)



Dinner - again on the run. I was going to just get a soda while going through the drive through, but I had a few dollars in my pocket and it WAS Dairy Queen... a chocolate chip cookie blizzard somehow ended up in the car with me, and from there in my mouth... (HA it was dairy - right?)



and that was it! Writing it makes me want to hurl. I can't belive I ate such CRAP. No wonder I feel swollen and sluggish today. I should feel worse about then I do though. For some reason the childish side of me is a little smug at eating all that and getting away with it. After all, who's going to tell me no?



The rest of this week WILL be better. Saturday I'm going to plan my meals for the next week and Sunday do all the shopping, so next week is going to be steller. If only I could find a way to harnes the power of that little brat who made me eat ice cream for good instead of evil!

I know what you're thinking! Yeah, I hear ya... "She's fallen off the wagon again..." "She's probably 10 lbs heavier by now.." BUT, guess what! I've actually been doing well. I've just been busy as hell! heheheh.



Weight today 186.5 (BooYA!) I even did a BFL style leg workout last night! Yeah Yeah Yeah! I haven't been 100% but I've been 95% at least and getting a lot of 'incedental' excercise. Hiking, walking, housework, that sort of stuff. It's all good! This week I'm going to try to focus on a structured workout routine and get back into the habit of lifting weights. I'm seeing some small changes here, starting to get excited, and I'll do my best to keep you informed!

187.5!! whoop! I LOVE the first week back on plan. All that water weight. heh.



Another clean eating day! Yay! Feeling really good and really strong right now. Yes, the smores candy bar is still calling my name, but it's getting quieter.



I've a 2 mile run planned for tonight!

Indulge me for a moment. I've mentioned that I'm reading "Mastery" by George Leonard again, and I've been once again inspired by his insites. I want to share a bit of it here.

Mr Leonard describes "The Five Master Keys".

The first is Instruction. He says: "Instruction comes in many forms. For mastering most skill, there's nothing better than being in the hands of a master teacher." He goes into depth on what makes a good instructor, how to find one, how to move on if you find your instructor isn't a good fit for you, etc. I can see how a lot of this applies to My particular journey. After all, there are a lot of instructors out there, Bill Phillips, Dr Atkins, and many MANY others. At the same time there is much to be learned from others who are also on this journey. Groups of folks who are walking the same path and because of that I consiter them as much my Instructor as some unknown face on the back cover of a book.

Key 2: Practice: I love this particular quote."A practice (as a noun) can be anything you practice on a regular basis as an integral part of your life -- not in order to gain something else, but for its own sake" WOW. Let's take the first part of that "as an integral part of your life". How often have I seen that particular trait in those whome I consiter "Masters" People like Skwigg who it's obvious that live and breath this and have obviously 'gotten it right'. The second part of that statement is the part that I REALLY have a hard time realizing, and yet I know is the most important..."not in order to gain something else, but for its own sake". After all, isn't that the basis 99% of the time we DO this.. to GAIN something, good health, a great body... He addes "The people we know as masters don't devote themselves to their particular skill just to get better at it. The truth is, they love to practice--" How do I eat right and excercise for it's own sake? How do I learn to 'love' it? That may be something that takes me a while to figure out.

Key 3: Surrender "This means surrendering to your teacher and to the demands of your discipline" Of course the first thing that stikes me here is that you must HAVE a teacher. Then you have to be willing to surrender to them. To take thier advice apply it and continue to apply it in faith until you begin to see progress. But that's not all... there is more to that when I read it again. you must also surrender "to the demands of your discipline" surender myself to the pain and fatigue, to sometimes passing by that chunk of chocolate cake for a cup of yogurt.

Key 4: Intentionality

189 this morning. The weekend water weight is officially gone!



Today is probably going to be a rough day. I can hear the candybars calling my name. This IS day three after all - the point where addictions get worse right before they get better. I keep doing, as was suggested by a friend, and 'playing the tape through'. Instead of focusing on the short term enjoyment that may come from something sweet and crunchy (I'm currently jonesing for a Smores Candybar) I'm thinking PAST that pleasure to the shame and dissapointment I'll feel having blown my plans. I've made a commitment to ME and by god I'll keep it!

I've you've ever struggles with body image issues (and who hasn't) GO... READ... THIS... NOW!



Q & A

I ran! I ran I ran I ran.



Finally I've had a day where everything goes right. I ate clean I ran and I feel terrific! I've got to remember this, keep this feeling at the forefront of my mind. run with it, figuratively and literally. Yay me!

Still taking one day at a time here. Checking in regarding yesterday and my goals.



Bad News: Didn't read my book on mastery

Good News: I brought it with me to work and started on it at lunch



Bad News: Didn't take pictures

Good News: I'm starting a challenge on Monday with a bunch of other ladies and thus am FORCED to take pictures for that



Bad News: Didn't lift weights

Good News: Spent the time shopping instead and filled my cupboards up with good foods.



Other Good news: I stayed on plan the entire day. I'm now feeling 'DeToxed' and am on a BFL style program today. I packed my lunch. Brought REALLY good food to work and I've managed to NOT eat any of the cake that's sitting across the room.



So, as I said, I start an offical challenge (offered by Divaquest) on Monday. I had to fight a temptation to just throw this week into the trash and say "I'm starting Monday" BUT if I can get a running start into this challenge it will be that much easier and better. So, I'm sticking to a plan this week. No 'Do-overs'!



I'm going to run tonight - 3 miles on the table.

One day at a time folks. That's where were at here in geekland. One day at a time. So far today I've been really good. I'm in detox. Going 'induction phase' ah la 'atkins' so that I can stablize my blood sugar and hopefully bash these cravings out of the way. So far, it's been a sucess. Weight was back up to 192 this morning, so I'm back to square one, but it's not like I was being 'good' enough to expect progress. There are a few things I want to do tonight. 1) reread my book on mastery. I need to wrap my head around some of the concepts in that book again. 2) take pictures. I've been avoiding looking, and I mean LOOKING at the damage I've been doing. Hopefully this will do much to motivate me in the days to come. 3) Do weight training. I haven't picked up a weight in months. I need it, for my mental as well as physical health.



I need to take my health back. I need to focus. I need to stop thinking that I can just do it 'tomorrow'. Change can and will happen today.



I was the poster child for progress last year. I've been the poster child for mediocracy since then. Enough is Enough.

One victory already today. I stood in the lunchroom, money in hand, poised above the vending machine and I WALKED away! I thought, WHY blow it already when just last night I was talking about what a schmuck I was and not sticking to my plan! YAY me! First step taken, first hurdle overcome.

I keep finding myself at this place. Disgusted with myself for not keeping my promices to myself and to others. Determined to change, to make it different 'this time'. So, here I am again. The good news, I'm actually down from my last weigh in. 190 this morning. I've been eating crap, but less of it, if that makes sense. And I've not been a complete slug going on hikes, walks and the like, though not following through on my workouts. Currently, I want to take it one day at a time and see how it goes. Tomorrows goals:



Eat clean (6 meals, 1 carb, 1 prot)

Drink more (2ltr total) water (this may be why I feel so hungry all the time)

Run 2.0 miles

Do at least 1 thing that's a step toward any long term goal of mine.

Do at least 1 thing that's a step toward crossing something off my 'to-do'list.

Come back tomorrow night and report my progress and set goals for tomorrow.



One day at a time folks, that's where I'm at right now.

I had a GREAT nutrition day yesterday. Almost exactly 30/30/30 ... I was a little low in calories, but I wasn't feeling horribly hungry so I think I did alright. Didn't lift weights but I'm not going to beat myself up over that - every step forward is a good one.



Weight today 189 (whoohoo) and body fat was at 39%. The plan tonight - Running 3 miles.



Thanks for the support!

So, I stood there this morning, looked at myself in the mirror and said "This is it! We're going to try this again!". Then I listened... I mean really LISTED to what I was saying and I realized that I can't talk like that. It's not ok to say "Try again" I need to say "I'm going to DO this again". I've done it, I've seen success, all that it takes now is to do it again! For some WIERD reason it made it all seem a lot easier. So I 'mentally' signed myself up for another 12 week challenge. I weighed in, took measurments and I'm even going to take some starting pictures.



The bad news, things are bad - the good news, they aren't as bad as they could be.



Weight: 190.5

Body Fat: 44%

Chest: 37.5

Bust: 44

Ribs: 36

Waist: 36

Hips: 46.5

Butt: 44.25

Thigh: 25.75

Calf: 14.75

Arm: 14.5



The Goals for the next 12 weeks:

Weight: 170.5

Body Fat: 32%

Chest: 35

Bust: 39.75

Ribs: 33.25

Waist: 31.5

Hips: 42.75

Butt: 40.75

Thigh: 23.75

Calf: 14.25

Arm: 14



The Plan? I'm going back to what works - BFL



What of running? Well I found that the more and more my milage ramped up, the more I was putting off running, and the more afraid I got that I was going to seriously hurt my foot again. Running also lead me to totally change my diet, and weight lifting goals, and so far that's done NOTHING good for me. SO -



Nutritition: goes back to straight, traditional BFL style. 1 carb/1 prot 6 times a day 6 days a week. One free day.



Weight Workouts: again straight, tranditional BFL style. I miss workouts that make me feel like I'm getting stronger every day. I miss flexing in the mirror.



Cardio Workouts: This I'm going to modify slightly. You see, I still want to run. I want to race, I just want to take it a LOT slower then I originally planned. SO - I'm going back to my 5K racing plan (with some modifications). I'm going to do the milage BFL style and work on building up some speed. That way when I start working toward the higher milage I'm not looking at running for HOURS... Cross training scheduled on Sundays may be subs for long hikes (we've been known to do some Doozies).



I'll also be posting my intake on Fitday so please feel free to check up on me HERE and if I'm not posting EMAIL me and ask me WHY!! parttimemom at that free microsoft email site dot com. (Or use the link) You can also check me out at my "Other" Blog - http://parttimemom.tripod.com/blog/



Last but not least I want to plug the site of my good friend Cory - He's got a GREAT thing going HERE: http://www.cbevolution.ca/phpbb/index.php (I'll type more on that later)



I've got a LOT of things I would like to get done tonight, and the only way to get started is to get out of HERE!



Thanks all!

I ran four miles! That’s right, me, big ol’ can’t run a mile me, ran four miles! I can hardly believe it myself. A really big step. After this I feel like I can do anything. For some reason a marathon doesn’t seem nearly as daunting as it once did. Warped I know, considering that I only ran less then 1/6th of a marathon, but today helped me to realize that I can gradually increase my mileage and continue to improve my endurance. And that I’m not as incapable of being athletic as I’ve always thought I was.



On the nutrition front. I know I said I would give it 4 weeks, but high carb just ISN’T doing it for me! I’m hungry ALL the time and I’m constantly craving stuff. BAD stuff. So I’m going to go back to BFL eating for right now, but with a high carb snack after my run (on the days I run). We’ll see how that goes. My fiance’ is planning to clean up his diet as well, and that should help me out. It’s always hard to keep on the straight and narrow when the person across from you is eating whatever they want. Not that anyone makes food choices and puts them in my mouth but me. Still, it’s easier. SO, tomorrow the meal plan is this:



7:00am 2 eggs and an English muffin w/butter

10:00am Hard boiled Egg and ½ an apple

1:00pm Chicken breast, veggies, and pasta

4:00 pm yogurt w/protein powder

7:00 pm Burger and baked potato w/butter and veggies

10:00 pm peanut butter shake



Tomorrow I start weights again. I will! I will!

I ran last night! and it was good! I tried something new brought in a beginners running program that I used to get from walking to running to try to bring my speed up. First step: 2 minutes at high speed, 4 minutes at a lower speed. I'm going to do that for my next two runs - then build up time at the higher speed as time progresses - simple!



I'm a little worried about my scale though. I think it's gone bonkers. Last night before I weighed 188.5, this morning 190.5 huh? I gained 2 lbs overnight? So I grabbed my other scale and stepped on it and IT says that I weigh 185.5 - so now I'm REALLY confused. Not that I really care about the actual number, I just want to see it going down!



So food has been ok. No real plan yet but as I said, the goal is to have it in place by the time the weekend is over. The plan for the weekend is to run on Saturday and hike on Sunday - OR vise-versa. I'm going to do some weight training tonight as well.



Other then that, it's just a matter of trying to keep the eats clean.



Keeping focused. I've got 5 lbs to lose here!

Well, I couldn't help myself - I got on the scale again this morning. Back to 190, but I'm not going to panick. I think my weight's going to be doing that for a while until my body figures out that I'm serious here. I'm sure things will settle once I start lifting again too. I need to put some muscle back on my body. I'll feel better about it if I do. No that I'm some week and helpless female. HA! I just know that the calories burned by muscles will help a LOT.



Plan for tonight is to run 2 miles. After the hell that was my three mile run on Tuesday, this should be a breeze. I just have to decide what movie to start as I finished Grifters. Maybe I'll skip the movie watching and do BFL style intervals again. That was kind of fun.



In other news I'm doing pretty good mentally. I'm feeling motivated and postive again. By the end of the weekend my goal is have a solid nutrition plan and start logging food again.

So I weighed in today - 188.5 a bit improvement over yesterday! that gives me a three week goal of 183.5. Very doable. I'm toying with not weighing in again until the three weeks are up - One part of my mind says it will keep me from back sliding if I have one really good week. the other part of my mind says it would be really easy to let things slide without the scale factor to egg me on. I'm still out there on this one...



Had a clean day today - eating right where i want it to be with no indescretions. I had to work late AGAIN and this time didn't get home until after 8:00 so.. considering that and the fact that I've excercised four straight days in a row I've decided to NOT workout tonight :) No excuses - it's an executive decision.





Thanks so much for the comments. Knowing folks are watching here makes me more apt to post, and knowing I'm expected to post makes me want to do better throughout the day so I don't have to come here and confess my caramel shake!

I ran! I think it was the hardest ever! Not only have I not ran in a week and a half, but I hiked about 12 miles in the past three days and it was HOT today! I managed to chug through the first mile and a half and then I HAD to take a walk break. I slowed down a bit and then decided to do intervals for the rest of the run. WHEW! I pushed my already tired body to the LIMIT! But it felt great. I still have to eat dinner, but other then the caramel shake at lunch time I’ve been good.



I got some help from a friend today. We were supposed to be doing a 12 week challenge together but I slid and didn’t keep up my end of the deal. She’s continued to check up on me and has been kicking my butt as I asked her to do. Today she suggested that I set a goal of three clean weeks, and in that three weeks work to lose 5 lbs. I thought that was a GREAT idea, so that’s the plan. Weigh in is tomorrow morning!

Today's been pretty good so far. OK, except for the carmel milk shake at lunch. What is WRONG with my head?



I have to work until 7:00 tonight but I'm going to go home and hit the treadmill as soon as I get home. 3 mile run. It shouldn't be too bad. Maybe I'll finally get to finish "Grifters". I've started watching movies while on my 'long' runs and this one I've been working on for a while.



The plan for the rest of the eveing? I'm going to plan my meals for tomorrow and make sure I have lunches packed. I'm going to try again with the 'running' nutrition - eating carbs throughout the day and then having a serving of protien with dinner. I'm going to give it four weeks. And then reevaluate. I know that I can't keep letting things go the way they are or next thing I know I'll be 200+ again!



One other thing I'm going to do tonight is re-read my book on mastery. It was so inspiring to me the first time around, maybe it will help to motivate me to keep on track again.



Another change I'm going to make is to switch back to a BFL weight lifting scheme. I miss watching my muscles grow! I want to be proud of my back again... Again, I'll give it four weeks and see how it effects my running. So, on June 29th look for me to put up an evaluation.



Alright, nose to the grindstone. I want to be that chick at the office that everyone looks up to again!

Life never turns out as we would expect. After my last post I was full of piss and vinager. Then I realized I was going to have to work until 9:00pm! This meant dinner from the store and no run!



But! I did turn the nutrition around for the rest of the week. I never got back on my running program (That will happen tonight) but I did get some great excercise in. Saturday 6-8 mile hike, Sunday 2-3 mile hike, Monday 4 mile hike. All vigerous and all up and down hills! And we had a blast at the same time.



Weight today - 192!!! Eeeeek! I can't believe this is happening! I'll be planning good solid nutrition for the rest of the week! And post more often to keep myself accountable.

So, I've not been here much. There's a reason. I SUCK. Motivation nill - Excercise Mild - and Food can you say BLECK!? This has GOT to stop! Every time I look in the mirror I see all the work I need to do and it makes me ill. So what do I do? I stop looking in the mirror... But then I went to a party on Saturday, and there was pictures, and there is only so much you can hid from the camera *sigh*. So I suck... The good news is that I still have a lot of stamina. I'm in pretty good 'shape'. I'm strong, I have endurance, but I'm fat. The only way to 'fix' this is to do something about all this eating. It's not just just eating, it's the tons of chocolate and cake and the like.



Not to make excuses, but I HAVE been really depressed of late. Sticking to any plan of self improvement while questioning your own self worth is difficult. But I'm better now. It's time not only to put away the chocolate, but to figure out how to deal with the blues WITHOUT the chocolate. But, one step at a time... Time to get on plan - a GOOD solid burn the FAT plan.



I'm tired. I'm tired of belly roles, thigh cellulite, back cleavage, and rolls along the waistband of my control top panty hose.



Damn it! I know you probably don't want to be reading this. You're probablly nodding your head and saying "yeah, we've heard this before, how is this time different"



In truth I don't know that this time is differnt. As a matter of fact, I'm scared to DEATH that this time WON'T be different and I'll be writing this post all over again in a month, but does that mean I roll over and dive into a vat of chocolate? No - it means that I write this post all over again in a month if I have to and keep trying. Keep plugging away, and if you get sick of reading it - then I guess you have to go read somewhere else. But I'm not writing for you - I'm writing for me and that's the way it has to be.... sorry. No - I'm not sorry! I'm angry!



I used anger to get myself out of slump emotionally recently - so why not for this. I'm doing it! I'm getting pissed. ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!



For the rest of the day today I will eat good, healthy clean food. The plan..



Salad and Tri-Tip for dinner

Riccotta cheese for desert



I'll run tonight when I get home...

Yay! My posts will now allow comments!

I took most of last week off. I just couldn't find the desire or energy to run. My nutrition sucked - well not really I barely ate. Just couldn't find the desire or energy. (seeing a pattern here?) BUT - the good news is after taking most of last week off, I couldn't WAIT to run yesterday, then ended up holding off because it was a 'rest'day. So by the time today came around I was really REALLY ready. And the three miles just FLEW by. I felt fantastic the entire time! No dead legs, no cramps. My foot felt strong. Everything felt PERFECT. Best of all I ran the three miles in 37 minutes on the nose! that's a pace of 12:20 - I'm getting faster!



tomorrow's my cross training bike ride and I'm really looking forward to that too.



Nutrition is going according to my new plan. Maybe that along with the rest is making a difference. We'll have to see

Good news first -



The race: We got a much later start out of the house then I wanted. Getting four kids going at 7:00am is a major chore. By the time I arrived (had to drop me off so that they could find parking) the men's race had already started. I checked in, got my number and started milling about. Jogging to warm up, stretching and waiting. Then, the shouting started "Clear the Track!" and the first finishers were coming in. I glanced at the clock and nearly fainted. The first man can in UNDER 17 minutes for 3.1 miles! The rest came in pretty steadily after that with people cheering each other on. It was really heartening to watch.



The ladies lined up after that. I have to admit that I was a little intimidated. After all, this is San Francisco where everyone and their dog runs - literally! There were a TON of long lithe looking women there. But, I filtered to the back of the line and didn't allow myself to think about walking away. After all, how could I? I had paid my $20.



The started everyone with a countdown 10..9.. 8... Since I knew I wasn't in the money or even concerned with placing I didn't get tensed up. I figured I would start when the people in front of my started to clear out. So, I started, jogging along in the back of the pack out to enjoy the day. And it WAS a beautiful day! We don't get many lilke this in SF. The park was the perfect temp. Not too hot, not too cold and the sun was shining (another rarity) There was no wind and everything was dewy and green. The whole first half of the race was uphill and the first mile was really difficult. I managed to keep to MY pace and not kill myself by running too fast (a real fear of mine). The second mile got easier will a few downhills. There was one 'bigger' climb but i just put my head down and bull dogged through it - it really didn't bother my pace at all. What was strange to me was how friendly everyone was! Here I was chugging along and everyone I passed (even those not involved in the race) was at least smiling and nodding, and most were offering a "Keep going! you're doing great!" (though I was under NO delusions). At mile three I was in a groove. I had found a pace that was extremely comfortable for me, though my calves, ankles and hips were starting to feel the effects of running on asphalt. (No twinges from the feet though and that was a GOOD thing). With half a mile to go I heard a little guy on the sidelines tell his mom "She should start going faster now huh mom?" and I wanted to tell him "Sorry sweetie this is as fast as she gets," but I didn't.



If there was one thing that I'm disappointed about regarding this entire race it's that I let myself be afraid. The closer I got to the finish the more afraid I got that I would leg it out too soon and have nothing left to cross the finish line. I wanted to finish with flair. I wanted to finish with a smile not with a wheeze and a gasp. I let pride hold me back, and I hope I don't do that again. I didn't speed up until I could actually SEE the numbers on the clock. I finished with a smile on my face - that's for sure! but I still had a LOT of gas left. I ran without a watch or any other gauge but my body and I liked it that way. Surprisingly I made it in less then the 39 minutes I predicted (I told you I was slow!) and finished in 38:01! That was exciting! I really can't wait to do this again!



As a testament to the caliber of women that were running the race on Sunday. I finished 7th………………… from LAST! I couldn't even see the next person in front of me!!



It's been 8 weeks since I started running and I can now jog for 3.1 miles and still feel fantastic! I think that was one of the most important parts of the day.. I went 3 miles and didn't fall over.. didn't once durning the run think "OMG can I PLEASE STOP!?" I actually held up my head and enjoyed every moment!! Most important of all, I finished with a smile. A HUGE smile! Even the guys at the gate said something about it... I'm not sure if I can properly express what this meant to me. I finished! And even more amazing.. I started! I followed through on something that for long has only been a pipe dream, and I did it by working toward the goal EVERY day! When I had a bad day I got back on the program and kept on working. I didn't start over, I picked up where I left off and kept going. I just need to apply that same focus to my other goals, and then I'll be finishing a LOT more races!



The bad news:



My weight. I don't know WHAT I've done but I feel terrible. I'm swollen beyond belief and my weight this morning was 189! EEEEK! As if the pictures taken yesterday wern't enough to scare me strait, seeing the scale almost back to 190 certainly did! I've gotten back to a sensible eating plan. Packed my lunch today and I'm sticking to it. Of course PMS has something to do with this feeling and the extra weight but still, I can't let this get out of hand. It's back to full workouts and clean eats!



The Plan:



Here's the plan for the NEXT 8 weeks.



Weight training/stretching Monday and Friday and Sunday



Running Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday



Biking on Wednesday



Hiking or Walking on Sunday

Yesterday was again "perfect" Food was on, and I did my weight workout with no issues. I even upped the weight on everything which was pretty cool! I hope to continue to do so periodically as I want to be getting stronger as well as gaining endurance as the months go by. I've never believed in being a 'helpless female'



Will try to update more later. I have a 3 mile run scheduled for tonight!

I can't believe it! I just signed up for my first 5K! It's in two weeks in San Francisco. It's on mother's day and it's a race that's geared toward women (though men are allowed to run as well). I'm not really expecting to run the etire way, as a matter of fact I've been training to take walk breaks every 9 minutes. But I expect it to be a LOT of fun. After that - those NO stopping me! an 8k then a 10k and so on, and so forth! I'm getting SO exctied! This week was clean for the ENTIRE week! I think that's the first time that's happend all year! I want to see many more after this. I'm ready, ready to take this bull by the horns and see some results. Actually not only results but I'm ready to see myself reach my goal... the goal is set for November folks!

Yesterday went great. I stayed on plan and got my sweetie back.



Today was even better! Got my run in and have had a clean day food wise. I'm really feeling strong, and even passed up mac and cheese at dinner tonight. and brownies as the office this afternoon.



Feeling good and looking forward to the weekend. Sunday's a free day but I think I'll keep it pretty low key as I haven't been having any major cravings. So there's nothing really feel I need to splurge on.



I've been taking in more calories, but still struggled a little with my run. This was more the normal... man this is hard, I'm breathless kind and of struggling instead of the man my legs feel like LEAD feeling. I still found myself counting down the minutes to my next walk break. Still willing to push myself - I wanna see extraordinary results and those arn't going to happen by ordinary means!



tomorrow I lift again hopefully in the morning so I can run in the evening.



Off to enjoy my luv bug...

Alright, so I made a mistake, I walked into a clothing store again. *sigh* I just get SO frustrated with sizing. You see, I tried on some kakis last night that are a size 12. They button, but won't zip all the way. So I figured I was just a little bit closer to a size 12 now then I was to a size 14 when I started my first challenge. BUT, today in the store I picked up four size 12's thanking to have a few 'goal pants' - One (darn hip huggers) I couldn't even button, Two, fit perfectly, and another I went back out and got a size 10 (which fit perfectly). So, maybe size 12 not an agressive enough goal? Well - I'll leave the goal as it is and specifially say that I will fit into MY size 12's that I have sitting at home right now.



And the frustration with my unbalanced body continues (been an issue since Jr High) ... Obviously I'm nearly a 12 on bottom, but I'm still in extra large shirts :( and size 16 dresses...

Another clean day! I did my weight workoutpretty much as planned. I didn't get home until 8:00 pm and was feeling a little frazzled because I wanted to be somewhere at 9:00, BUT I didn't let that stop me! I went ahead and did my weight workout, I just eliminated the rest periods, wich actually made for an interesting workout that got my heartrate up for a bit. I think I'm going to end up a little sore tomorrow wich is cool, but I'm pretty sure that I need to up the weights on everything except the biceps (For some reason they are always lagging behind the rest of my body parts)



Well - I just got done inputting the past couple day's food. I was right! I'm WAY under eating - again. Today I only got up to 1200 calories, and while yesterday was around 1500, most of those where late in the day, and it's still no where near the 2000 my calculations say I should be eating right now. Time to take some SERIOUS action! I need all my energy to continue running the way I am.



Plan for tomorrow is a little shaky right now. I know I need to run, but I'm picking up my sweetheart from the airport at 7:00pm. I'll be leaving to get him right after work. My guess is that once I get home there is NO WAY I'll want to leave his side long enough to jump on the treadmill. SO... I either get up early (yeah, that's going to happen - NOT), run at lunch, or push my workout to Friday. Running at lunch isn't much of a choice either because I sweat SO MUCH when I run. If worse comes to worse I'll double up tomorrow, but I really don't want to have to do that, it makes me feel like I"m cheeting somehow.



I guess I need to try to get SOME sleep - now - it's only 3:00am! :P

Not really all that much to report. Instead of analyzing things I've been gettin them done! Food's been clean for two days and on track to be clean again today. I had a great weight workout on Monday and ran 2.75 miles on Tuesday. In truth it hasn't been all that hard to stay on track. My sweety is out of town and since we only have one card to access our account with, I sent it with him. Therefore I've had no cash on hand for snacks and slurges. That means I'm eating what's at home, and the 'worse' thing I've got there is probably the jar of organic natural peanut butter. So, food's been clean. Also, since my honey's not home - I'm doing all I can to keep myself occupied. This means that it's really easy for me to do my workout as soon as I get home. If I can just keep these patterns up when he gets back, things will be awsome!



Tonight it's weights again - and tomorrow a 2 mile run. I'm only a few weeks out from my 5K! I can hardly believe that I've managed to stick with the training like this. It's a big boost to my self esteem.



Best news of all is a few day's good eating and I've dropped some water weight. Clothes are fitting more like I expect again, and the scale is saying 181.5 - That's more like it!!

So - I still want it THIS Year. Last week started out grand. I worked out on Monday - ran on Tuesday. Then my kids came over and I took three days off work and POOF! Granted I deliberatly took some time off because my knee was hurting, but I'm still not happy with the way things are going. So, so things WILL change!



I will no longer accept excuses from myself for not working out. I will spend more energy figuring out how to make my workouts happen instead of figuring out how to get out of them!



I will plan my meals. I will pick a plan, stick with it - follow it as written and give it a chance to work. I'm going to do BFL for a few weeks. In the mean while I'm going to send a request to the staff at Beverly International for them to create a meal plan for me. They are out of the office until May so it may be a while before they get back to me.



I have recruted a friend to help me. She's been given the task of following up with me and not accepting my excuses for missed workout or poor meals. And I've accepted the task of doing the same for her.



I will take no prisoners. I will reach my goals THIS YEAR!!

THIS YEAR - Those words have been ringing in my ears all day. You see, if I can average 1.75 pounds per week I will reach my goals THIS YEAR.... I'm desperatly trying to wrap my brain around that thought... to believe it in that little dark place in my heart where all words, of all the doubters in my life tend to gather. Including my own.



But, "This Year," is resounding pretty loudly - I just need to keep it that way.



I started work on my project plan. Adding all my workouts as tasks until November 6th. (That's my goal date). If I miss a workout - it throws off my baseline and pushes out my goal date. Amazing how seeing the DIRECT cause and effect can change your perspective... This Year



Yes, I'm still trying to figure out the nutrition plan. What I wish - is that someone would just hand me a list of foods and say "Eat this today" and then the same the next day and the same the next. Yeah, yeah - it's Jenny Craige dieting I know, but I really don't want to THINK about food any more then nessisary. But, I'm sure there's a happy medium. I'll have to work through my food issues and at the same time make planning my nutrition a priority without it being an obsession. uhm.. yeah.



Still - THIS YEAR!



muhahahahah