Thursday, October 16, 2003

Why is it, when I struggle the most, it seems I blog the least? I think it's pride. This sense that I have that I have to be 'strong'. Add to that the feeling that I have that I shouldn't 'burden' others with my own pitiful whinings... and there you have it! :) Yesterday was one of those days that's colored with dull browns and grays. Fall is here, my body and spirit seem to know it, and every time the fog rolls in, I feel bleak. I did manage some cardio yesterday. Just a walk, but with the way my quads have been feeling, perhaps I needed the break. I also ate clean. Clean by my own standards... I've been getting frustrated, and perhaps a bit jealous (Ross and Petra *grin*) that NO-ONE has noticed my weight loss. How's that for an extraordinariless transformation? Yes, my fiancé notices.. but he's the only person in the world who sees me naked. I was telling myself that it was because 1) I work with mostly men and 2) They see me every day... BUT, yesterday I went to lunch with a friend whom I haven't seen eight weeks. She didn't say a WORD! Maybe I was just THAT good at camouflaging my weight? I know I shouldn't base my journey on others, but still it would be nice to get SOME kind of kudos from someone who doesn't KNOW I'm trying to loose weight.

I've also been fighting a frustration with my job. The situation is a little complicated in that, I'm a consultant working full time at one client. The client, I love. They give me exciting, challenging work that uses me to my full potential. Unfortunately, my company, does not pay me what I'm worth, nor do they acknowledge the skills I'm using and have developed. Even after passing my test, they still treat and pay me as a simple System Administrator (Not that there is anything wrong with being an administrator, but I haven't done actual technical work in over two years, it's all been project management) The issue isn't just the pay. There is also the fact that SOME day this contract will end, and I'll be 'brought back into the fold' and expected to go back to System Administration, a job I feel I'm no longer suited for. (Step away from technology for as little as 6 months and you've lost MILES) So, I'm fighting having to leave a client I love, so that I can pursue my career. The future is currently unstable and I hate that. THEN I hear that if/when I DO get another job is when my company is likely to move mountains to keep me to stay... I won't.

I'm not sure what any of the above have to do with my journey to fitness. I just know that I feel as if I'm currently on a journey of self discovery. A journey that seems to be taking a very circuitous rout. I feel a little lost and in desperate need of a road map. That lost feeling is spilling over into my diet and exercise. At the moment I feel... goal-less. I've been so disappointed so far when it comes to reaching goals that I've left off setting any. And yet, I KNOW I need them... I'm a person driven by goals. Perhaps that's why I feel so lost right now... I've been driven for 9 months with the goal of passing that test.. I have.. now what? Hmmm.. I hadn't thought of that until right now. Body wise, I'm thinking that perhaps I'll start setting some fitness goals rather then body/weight goals. Fitness goals I can control, I can achieve.. my body.. well it seems to have a mind of it's own. I feel good about my pushups. That's probably the ONE good thing I've picked out of my workout. For cardio.. I'm thinking perhaps I'll start training for a 5k or something similar. My only issue with that is my darn foot. I have GOT to find a way to rehabilitate it so that I can run on pavement again....That and overcoming the issue of the upcoming wet/cold season and lack of lighting... Bah! I've too much yet to work through, but I'm making a start... Thanks for letting me vent!

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